


Rumours and Patronuses

by blahruto



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Best Friends, Boys Being Boys, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Consensual Underage Sex, Cute, Denial of Feelings, Dirty Talk-ish, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Flirting, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Frottage, Getting Together, Idiots in Love, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Kinda, M/M, MILD - Freeform, Male Friendship, Male-Female Friendship, Marauder's Era, Marauders, Mild Smut, Modern Era, Modern/Marauders, Mutual Pining, Oblivious, PETER DOESN'T BETRAY ANYONE, Pining, Remirius - Freeform, Romantic Gestures, Sexual Themes, There is no angst, Underage Drinking, Underage Handjobs, Underage Kissing, VOLDEMORT DOESN'T EXIST, cliche tropes, friendship fic, handjob, implied sex, old fic, teenage boys being teenage boys, unimportant ocs - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-09
Updated: 2015-04-09
Packaged: 2018-03-19 11:42:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 39,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3608784
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blahruto/pseuds/blahruto
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which Sirius hears a rumour about himself, school is business as usual, and no one can tell whether Sirius' Patronus is a wolf or a dog.</p><p>Voldemort doesn't exist!AU<br/>Peter's not a dick!AU<br/>Snape isn't really a thing either!AU</p>
            </blockquote>





	Rumours and Patronuses

**Author's Note:**

> k so ive been trying to change my writing style a bit from "too many commas than is entirely necessary" and "one big ol run on," tbh i feel like it sort of waned in and out of "too much text" and "too much dialogue." (I'm not a very creative person.) This fic has drained my life force...slowly but surely... what a mess. I did not intend for this to be this freakin long. i think at this length it technically qualifies as a novel and i wrote it in like a month. i am a trainwreck, just a goddamn disaster.
> 
> this is a huge mess. it aint good, alright....... i wrote this nine hundred years ago basically. i didn't know what storyboarding was back then. dont hurt me pls
> 
> DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON THE SEX SCENE. it's my first ever. I couldn't find any decent references besides distant memories of fanfiction, and I usually skip sex scenes since I prefer confessions. this hasn't really been edited at all and im not gonna because i literally loathe it. it makes no goddamn sense...... i cringe at the memory. this fanfic is a mess jfc.
> 
> EDIT::  
> i just wanted to say thanks for all the comments!! i definitely read all of them and i cherish them all so much!! i keep them in a lil folder on my computer to look at when im bummed. i have extreme anxiety so one/on/one replies can be difficult for me? im always so afraid of taking myself too serious. anyways, seriously thank you guys!!

RUMOURS AND PATRONUSES

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

  
In retrospect, it's not as if it was exactly hard to figure out. It was definitely the kind of thing you'd expect to catch onto earlier. Nonetheless, is it particularly bizarre to wish he hadn't? As the Muggles say; ignorance is bliss.  
Today was a very unusual day in a very unusual school. Hogwarts School of Witchcraft thrummed with life. Peeves, the residential Poltergeist, who had quite a fondness for taunting the students was singing taunts at first-years; the students were laughing, shouting, scrambling up the moving staircases, sometimes daring eachother to go through mysterious doors, or go up to taboo floors. Most students found themselves outside. This was not unusual, of course.  
Making this day so strange was one particular group of friends, known by many as The Marauders. Whereas outside the weather was warm, calling for perfect pranking weather; James Potter, a boy with a fondness for rulebreaking, found himself hunched over a table splayed with library books. His studying had quickly derailed into fruitlessly flicking through pages of text, as if the quicker he turned the pages, the better the information would absorb. Granted, it hadn't been working so far, but he still had hope. Plus, he still had an entire period before his next class. That's a whole afternoon... He should be fine.  
  
Or, so he'd thought. His plan died in conception as Sirius Black, his good friend and a partner in crime if there ever was one, threw himself down on the chair beside him.  
  
"Lookit," He grinned, presenting a shiny, thin book as if it'd given life to humans. "Moony got me it. It's made by real Muggles. The pictures don't move an inch. Can you believe that?" His smile widened, and his voice oozed affection. James studied it curiously.  
  
"Er," He tried to sound excited, "that's great, Sirius. I'm trying to study."  
  
Sirius prattled on, "It's called a Superhero comic. It's a whole genre. D'ya reckon it'll have sex in it?" He wiggled his eyebrows at James.  
  
James couldn't help but let out a laugh at the idea. "As if  _our_  Remus could ever buy anything with sex in it." They both chuckled at the mental image of their friend, his usual stoic composure melting away as he sputtered in front of a shop keeper.  
  
"I'd pay good money to see that." Sirius snorts. "I'm gonna start reading now, so don't distract me."  
  
James rolled his eyes, but didn't comment. He turned his attention back to his books, trying to pay attention the endless text through the cackles and commentary of his friend.

  
"Oi," James snapped. "Can't you go wank to Muggle books somewhere else?"  
  
Sirius stuck his tongue out at him. "No way. It's amazing, the Muggle mind. Collectively, I mean. There's so much they don't know about, but they can still exclude from what they do." He rambles. "It's brilliant! There's so much in the world they don't know about-- more than half of it can kill them, but they've still got these fears of things that aren't even trying."  
  
"I think you're gonna give Mrs. Burbage a run for her money, you are."  
  
"Shut up. You're distracting me."  
  
Charity Burbage had been the school's Muggle Studie's teacher for almost two decades, and was Sirius' favourite teacher. This might be because she taught his favourite class, and always brought in new Muggle artifacts to class to discuss, and sometimes let Sirius keep them. Sirius has always been intrigued by Muggles. You'd hardly believe he was a Black at all--as his family was known for opposing all things Muggle, although most people suspect that's what he wants.  
  
"By the way," Sirius piped up, "who's got the map?"  
  
"Moony, maybe? He's patrolling, I think."  
  
"That's terrible!" Sirius gawked. "That damn thing was never meant for  _good_."  
  
The Marauder's map was a piece of parchment that, in explicit detail, held all knowledge of Hogwarts.  It shows every classroom, nook and cranny, as well as tells you where each person on the entire grounds is. It maps out everything on the Hogwarts premises--- including the secret entrances. The four of them manufactured it, and usually used it to get around school security when they played their pranks. Remus had recently started using it to find any students who might be misbehaving-- snogging in empty classrooms, sneaking around after classes or curfew, getting up to any unwanted business. Considering those are the kinds of things they  _use_  the map for; it was an outright betrayal, not to mention hypocrisy.  
  
"Why?" James asked. "Looking for someone in particular?" He waggled his eyebrows.  
  
There was a slight pause before he replied, "Just wondering. Oi, there it is again. That can't be a coincidence, can it?" Sirius, brows furrowed as gears clicked in his mind, shuffled over, throwing himself over James' books. He shoved the comic in James' face. Backing up a few inches to look at it properly, James shrugged. He didn't get it. It was two people, coloured pink and peach. One was a man with black hair, a chiseled jaw, the other a woman with blond hair and full lips. They were embracing in a turmoil of events.  
"...So?"  
  
"So!" Sirius smiled, as if he'd solved a mystery. "Amazing, isn't it?"  
  
"...Muggle priorities?" James trailed off. He wasn't picking it up.  
  
"No, no! You don't understand." He exclaimed. "This comic's got about seven different heroes, Prongsie-boy. They've all got the same features, and they all get with the same sort of bland bird-type. You don't reckon that's a coincidence, do you?"  
  
"More like a lazy story writer."  
  
"Ah, there's as many different writers as there are heroes. Sort of a collab project." He shrugs. "Anyway, stop distracting me." He turned his attention back to the Muggle book in his hands.  
  
"I'm going to clobber you." James grunted, going back to his books. Sirius shushed him loudly. And then, a few minutes later, broke the silence again.  
  
"Oh, what a surprise. Bloke saves the day, the broad swoons. I don't think this is entirely realistic."  
  
"Shut it, Sirius." James finally snapped, head shooting up from his books. Pushing glasses up his nose in annoyance. "How come you're not worried about this test at all?" He continued, cautiously. "Do you even realize what this is? These are O.W.Ls, Sirius! You've got to study!"  
  
He shrugged, looking up from his comic. He flicked his hair back, flaunting.  "It's all in here, Jamie-boy. Beauty and brains. I'm the real deal. Full package."  
  
"You better hope so, Pad. No Marauder gets left behind. I'd prefer to break the minimal amount of laws for that to happen."  
  
"Careful, mate. You're starting to sound like Moony with all those rules."  
  
"Try not to get too turned on." He chuckles,"I'm still nowhere near." He continued with a very stern expression. " But in all seriousness, you better not mess this up for us. We've all got to pass this year, no exceptions."  
  
   
"I'll find a way. I could cheat off Moony." He winked, chuckling. "Oh, no, Professor, I'm not looking at his parchment, I'm just... snogging him." He flailed, enthusiastically impersonating himself.  
  
"They'd believe it, with how you two act." James rolled his eyes, laughing as well. He let out a sigh of resignation, pushing his books away. One of the books revved to life, slamming down forcefully down on James' hand in indignation, almost as if to tell him to keep studying. The boy let out a loud yelp, pulling his hand away and cradling it in the other.  
  
About a minute went by as James fended off a particularly nosy textbook when Sirius spoke up, startling his friend,  
  
"Y'know what's odd, though? About Moony?" Sirius exclaimed. The outburst provided the perfect chance for the fiery book to smack the bespectacled animagi across the face. Sirius rolled his eyes, grabbing hold of the book  and locking it in James' school chest.  
  
"See? That's why I don't study. These books are so short-tempered." He scoffed, raising an eyebrow at the pile of books without trust. One of the books shuddered under his gaze, and he jumped back. "Why do you think they do that? D'ya think they're..y'know, alive? Do you think they're planning to overthrow us?"  
One of the books hissed. Sirius squealed. James rolled his eyes.  
  
"All the books love Remus." James grumbled, and looked up with a sour glare. "The prat, he butters them up, doesn't he?"  
  
"It's all about the approach." Sirius nodded. "Assuming books are at all similar to blokes. Though, no one wants to shag a book. Except maybe Moony."  
"Great. Now I feel like an accomplice to you lying your way into blokes' bed's." James groans, covering his ears and singing the school's anthem. The disheveled boy rolls his eyes, shaking his head at his friend. "They're manipulative and I disapprove!"  
  
"They do it to birds all the time, what's the difference?"  
  
"You know better!"  
  
"I'm offended you think so."  
  
"You know what, you're ridiculous. You should start listening to me if you ever want a meaningful relationship."  
  
"Or maybe you should start listening to me. You've liked the same person since Year One! Bloody Year One! D'ya know how many people I've shagged since then?"  
  
"That's different!" He shouts back, taking his fingers from his ears.  
  
"How?"  
  
"It's a lot different when you actually like the person!" He defends himself, shouting. "You have to worry about stuff. Like, their feelings, and whether it's the right time... It's not just about shagging, it's about their heart." He sighs dreamily, face tilting upwards, morphing into an unnerving smile.  
  
"Sounds pitiful. Still, I reckon the same tactics could work.  You just, well, don't be yourself. She'll love it." He jokes. James scowled, picking up one of the larger textbooks and heaving it at Sirius. Instinctively rebounding it, the book crashed into the wall. The book whirled to life, chasing after James, who sprints off in a run, the book flapping after him. Sirius wonders whose idea it was to make books have consciousnesses.  He plops back on his seat, laughing at the frantic footsteps of his friends.  
  
Someone like himself, he guesses.  
  
About five minutes later, a sweaty, dripping James Potter emerges from the entrance. He was holding a struggling book against his chest and panting hard. Just barely, he managed to shove it into the chest with the other one without either of them getting out.  
James exhaustively threw himself onto the nearest chair. Besides his laboured breath, the only thing you could hear in the lounge was  the distant sound of bustling first years.  
  
"You're getting shabby if a book can make you sweat, Prongs."  
  
"Stuff it, Black." His friend wheezed pathetically in response.  
  
"So. As I was saying. You know what's odd?" Sirius asks, after giving him a few minutes to recuperate. He'd quickly made the decision not to tease him any further about the incident until there were witnesses.  
  
  
"The fact that you made it past Year One," pant, " has started to, " pant, "baffle me, personally." James replied, somewhat bitterly, pushing his glasses up his nose again, lips pulled up in a pout.  
  
"I'm telling you, it's hard-wired into my brain. Full-package." Sirius chuckled. "But, no. Why d'ya reckon no one seems to fancy Moony?"  
  
"...Erm, Whaddaya mean, Pad?" James tilted his head in confusion, turning his head. Sirius furrowed his eyebrows.  
  
"It's just," Sirius began, "I've been thinking, and I don't get it. He's smart, which I'm guessing is what gets Ravenclaws all hot 'n bothered."

  
"...Pads, I'm pretty sure people just want to shag hot things. Regardless. It doesn't matter what your house is. We're all shallow."  
  
"Hush, Jamie, I'm being smart. As I was saying. He's a goody-two shoes Prefect, so Hufflepuffs... Actually, what do Hufflepuffs like? Soft things, I reckon. Animals?"  
  
"Awful, Sirius."  
  
"I didn't mean it like that, perv. Slytherins are out, because I'd have to transfigure them into toilet-seats."  
  
  
"That's a  _bit_  harsh."  
  
"Gryffindor is almost as into interhouse relationships as my family, and he's one of the stars of our year, the prat. So why is it that--,"  
  
"Oh, gross, man!" His friend interrupted.  
  
"As I was saying," He tried, but James continued ranting.  
  
"It's so--eugh! It makes my skin crawl--" James shudders, "I mean, your family does a lot of blasted shit, but--"  
  
"I'm serious!"  
  
"You do tend to be."

  
Knowing the voice by heart, the boys turn to the familiar sound. Sirius' head perking up at the sight of Moony. He stood tall in stature, head tilted in his signature mark of confusion. He was wearing a perfectly pressed uniform, green eyes staring at the two boys with curiousity.  
  
"...Why is James so sweaty? What on Earth were you two discussing?"  
  
"He pissed off a Potions textbook." Sirius explains, simply. "It chased him down the halls."  
  
"Ah, rotten luck. They're the worst gossipers. Good luck finding the information you need now." He seemed sincere, his eyes glistening. Sirius couldn't help smile at the way he talked about books. He's such a nerd.  
  
"Two of them! And the first one actually got in a few good hits, although one of them was just because Sirius distracted me by randomly confessing his undying love for you. Or something like that. Probably that. Snogging you in Potions class was mentioned, actually."

  
Taken aback, and beaten at his own game, Sirius scowled at the smirking Potter. He almost felt a blush rising to his cheeks, absurd in itself. Sirius Black doesn't  _blush_. He makes other people blush. He looked to Moony, regaining composure and winking at the other with sincerity.  
  
"Ah-huh," Moony raised one eyebrow, looking between the two boys. Chuckling, he shrugged gently, quickly guessing he was missing too much of the conversation to understand what they were talking about. "So, nothing too terribly new, I suppose?"  
  
"You know me, darling," He got up, slinging an arm around the taller boy's shoulders, pulling him down and smirking, "I'm... over the moon for you." He said into his ear.  
  
"That was terrible, Pads." James gagged. "Not to mention bordering insensitive."  
  
"Your face is terrible and insensitive."  
  
"Your face is----"  
  
"Quite delightful, I hear." Sirius cut him off, still wrapped around his friend possessively. He could feel more than hear his friend's chuckles beside him, and he smiled wider. Always for the audience.  
  
  
"Mediocre at best!" James argued loudly.  
  
"James loves my fa~ace, James loves my fa~ace. I bet you want to have babies with it. Lots of 'em. Tiny little James-Sirius-face babies. Potter, you dirty boy." He felt Remus shake his head in exasperation, and he looked over and winked.

  
"Alas! Of course, your scandalous love shall remain unexplored, as only Moony can have me so." He exclaimed, flamboyantly feigning deep sympathy for his friend's loss, releasing his hold on Moony to hold a hand to his heart dramatically.  
  
"Try not to tease him too much, Padfoot." Remus nodded, truly solemn by his side, "It is an awful loss to suffer. I can't imagine a life wherein I could not freely bear children with your face." He held his own hand above his heart, matching his friend's, sympathetically staring into the distance.  
  
  
Moony and he had a habit of flirting, in which it tended to be the way they communicated. Sometimes they did so jokingly, such as now, whereas others it was more genuine. Despite being almost entirely on wavelength with James, Moony had always sort of been his best friend. He'd been fascinated with the scrawny, ill-looking boy with the Muggle parent the moment he'd seen him, and they'd gotten on without a hitch ever since. Moony offers a different perspective, and even improves him a bit. Not that he'd ever, ever tell him that. He spends the most time with him, sure, but that doesn't mean he doesn't love his other friends just as much. He spends Christmases, Easters, and as much as he could manage of summers with the Potters. They're like a second family to him. No, more than that. They're more like a family to him than his actual family, forget numbers.

  
Sirius also liked a challenge, and above all, Moony was a challenge. There was always a surge of unadulterated pride when he could catch the ever stoic teenager off guard. Occasionally, he could even make him blush, but it was always an achievement.  
  
  
Whatever the reaction, it was just as satisfying. Sometimes he'd smile, sometime's he'd play along. He'd usually just shake Sirius off, but even those moments were fun, because they were so easy. So what if he went out of his way to whisper in his ear? If he gets too firmly into his personal space, if he touches him a bit too much and a bit too confidently? It was funny. He'd even spent parts of classes thinking of how to get a rise out of the other boy, but it wasn't as if he was really missing anything that important.  
  
That's probably why the thought had struck him in the first place. Sirius obviously didn't like Moony like that. It'd be way too weird. He's his best friend, for Merlin's sake. He watched him grow up! Heard his voice crack, teased him about crushes. He'd surely know if he liked him, because you're supposed to know that kind of thing, and he doesn't. Obviously. That would be... weird. Too weird. Besides, liking your best friend? Too cliche. Sirius rebels against the cliche.  
  
  
But everyone else isn't him. He's got an alibi. They're just too... close.  
  
  
And Remus is tall, smart, kind, and maintains an interesting mixture of being both boyish yet ragged. Example; a rather impressive scar running from his jawline up his left cheek that he got over the summer, yet an incessant need to always be within arms reach of reading material. He had kind eyes that sparkled when he told jokes.  
He was tolerant, funny, and Sirius and his friends had all (albeit, probably jokingly on their behalf, ) acknowledged a while ago that their friend had become extremely attractive. Sirius wasn't sure how it'd happened, because he certainly hadn't been included in on the decision. He sent off an awkward, scrawny best friend home over the summer, and when he came back, he was tall and slender and no longer hid himself as much behind his excessive collection of cardigans. Not to mention, his godawful sweaters had been put to death, if only because his mother had insisted to take him shopping and none of the shops held them anymore.  
  
  
...So why's he the only one that's apparently noticed?  
  
"Sirius?!" James snapped his fingers in front of Sirius' face. Blinking rapidly, he adjusted his eyes to the sight in front of him. "Are you alright? Blimey, you just zoned out. Scared Moony. It's not polite to stare, Snuffles."  
  
  
Sirius looked around the room, rubbing his eyes. Remus stood firmly beside him, hand on his shoulder.  
  
  
"Oh? Did I worry you, love? Must be tired."  
  
  
Remus' brows furrowed, a blush rising on his cheeks. He cleared his throat, eyes falling on his hand and yanking it back as if he realized that Sirius' skin were fire. Sirius frowned. James cocked his head in curiousity.  
James coughed. "Could you maybe not say shit like that around here? What if Lily had heard you?"  
  
"Hm? Stuff like wh- Oh. Don't worry, mate. I'm sure she's learned not to get her hopes up. She's pretty much accepted your relentless stalking."  
  
  
His friend scoffed, making a face at him. He looked like he wanted to throw something at him, but everything within reach had established that it could fly after him and he was going to have a hard enough time passing this test as it was. He shivered.  
  
"I dunno how you can put up with this one, Remus."  
  
"It's an acquired taste." Moony sighed, looking affectionately toward an affronted-looking Sirius.  
  
"I'll give  _you_  an acquired taste." Sirius shot out lamely, winking, laughing at James' gagging noises. That line even made him flinch, but luckily Remus didn't seem to mind.  
  
  
"By all means, Sirius, but we both know you're all bark." Moony replies flawlessly, sitting down in the chair Sirius previously occupied, crossing his legs quickly and gazing up at a very startled Sirius with what one might dare to call a mischievous look in his eyes.  
  
"So what were you really talking about?" Remus asked, sitting down, now. "I feel I should know if I was mentioned. Though I'm certain I'll regret it."  
  
"Padfoot just wanted to know why everyone didn't want to shag you, or something." James shrugged. "Something about you being a hot piece of arse. He was just figuring that since he wants to bone you so bad, it's odd you're not the center of the whole world's sexual attention."  
  
Ignoring James' comment about sleeping with Moony, he insisted, "Actually, I take back my thought. I will stand for Moony's purity!"  
  
"And what an adorable boyfriend you are, Pads." James praised. Sirius stuck out his tongue at him.  
  
"It's a valid question! Even Peter's shagged a few broads here and there, and people don't even really like him! Remember when he was voted Most-Likely-To-Betray-Their-Friends-To-A-Dark-Witch-or-Wizard?"  
  
Remus furrowed his eyebrows at Sirius, tilting his head. Sirius sighed, deciding to sprawl himself over Moony's lap, legs hanging over the side of the chair they now shared. His friend gasped in surprise.  
  
  
"So? What is it, then? Why isn't anyone trying to shag you?"  
  
"I don't know how I'm supposed to answer that." Remus gazed down at Sirius with a look of amazement and cautiousness. He always had.  
  
"With the answer! Is somethin' going around on the rumour mill about my Moony?" He pouted, one hand laid across his chest, the other cupping Moony's face in an effort to pry an answer from him. Instead he chuckled lightly, opening up a book and promptly ignoring Sirius, who frowned. Where'd that book  _come from,_  anyway? He scowled.  
  
"Perhaps he's got a _secret lover_." James wiggles his eyebrows.  
  
"Nonsense! You're off your trolley, Prongs. Moony, love, you listenin' to this? You'd never do me like this."  
  
"He'd never  _do_  you at all."  
  
"Hurtful, Prongs. What would possess you to say such a thing? Of course he would." Sirius defended, passionately. Though he convinced himself it was because his sex appeal was at stake; it bothered him a bit. His stomach fluttered unpleasantly, and he looked away, snaking his hand back from Moony's pensive face. "It's  _you_  he wouldn't do, if anything. You're just jealous."  
  
"Hey, Moony. Wouldja ever do Sirius?" James asked, wiggling his eyebrows.  
  
"I'm no longer a part of this conversation." Was the reply.  
  
"I'm taking that as a yes, therefore I win." Sirius declared, smirking at Prongs from across the room, who shook his head, holding back a laugh, and conceivably the urge to throw his book at Sirius. He decided against it, because he actually wanted to pass this test, unlike Sirius, and he needed at least one book that didn't hate his guts.  
  
"You do not win."  
  
"Don't be jealous, Jamie-boy."  
  
"I'm not jealous, and you don't win."  
  
"I absolutely win." He insisted, "My prize is everything."  
  
"Git."  
  
"By the way, Moony, do you have the map?"  
  
"Yes. But I'm not returning it, I've got patrol later and you two aren't sneaking out." Remus replied authoritatively. "I hope those books you angered weren't library books, however. Returning them will be a fight."  
  
James eyed his trunk. He gulped nervously.  
  
/ / /

SIXTH YEAR

  
  
He really should have dropped it when they all went away for Summer vacation.

 

Sirius spent the better portion of it at the Potters' house. He'd even visited Remus briefly, who looked very flustered at his arrival, coming in on his broom at early hours of sunrise and landing in his windowsill. It was quite a romantic entrance, he'd thought. Remus hadn't agreed. Still, werewolf bedhead. Kind of adorable. It was humid, and Remus poured the Firewhisky he'd brought with him. They laid back on his bed and talked briefly about what happened during the summer, like Sirius being disowned. He gave him choppy details, and Remus had wanted to press for details to the point Sirius could feel it in the air, but he didn't. He was glad for that. He also gave him a bottle of Nettlewine to give to his parents, a gift from him and Uncle Alphard. 

But he'd found himself still thinking about it when they returned to Hogwarts. Maybe even moreso. And still, Sirius found himself in the same position exactly; no answer, but still horrendously curious. Why weren't people flocking Remus the way they flocked James, or himself? Even Peter, who was rather quiet and unassuming had offers--- but Sirius had never seen  _anyone_  ask Remus. He'd never even seen him be approached, now that he thought about it. He kept wracking his brain for ideas as to what could possibly be deterring the entirety of Hogwarts from his friend, but he came up empty every time. No one had even asked about Remus. Sirius couldn't even recall if Remus had ever talked about sex or dating with the other boys. He had teased him about his brief crush on Nymphadora "Nympho" Tonks--- he'd never actually said the words, but Sirius knew--- but that was it, and it transgressed with very little occurrence. And all Sirius learned from the experience was that Remus was a very, very good liar. He hadn't blushed, stuttered or lost his composure in the slightest near her. He had, however, sputtered a bit when she suddenly turned into a carbon copy of Sirius himself, winking at Remus. That was last year, and it sent the whole table into an uproar.  
  
When, as teenagers did, they talked about sex, he would usually just chime in with his usual wit, making sure no one got too out of hand. (Maybe he was one of those people who didn't feel sexual attraction? He thinks he's heard about those..?) He essentially grounded them. Sirius was really confused. Birds like that kind of thing, don't they? Responsible blokes? Really, though, Moony was the whole package-- with... a bit extra, sure.  
  
  
To Sirius, it was just fact, not personal in the slightest. Remus was caring, loyal, smart, attractive--facts, from a professional standpoint, investigating something that's been bothering him, viewing all angles. It was from a journalistic, completely distanced standpoint, and he made sure to remember that as he went down the list.  
  
That Remus had a nice laugh was not an opinion but an observation; the type of laugh that could addict you to telling jokes. He'll always be there when friends need him, and can make you feel safe. He'll always tell him he's dangerous, and sometimes Sirius does push him too hard, too far because he knows he won't hurt him, but maybe it's because he has so much trust in him and he wishes Remus could even begin to have as much trust in himself. He's too kind, because it makes him sacrifice himself. Stupid shit; ridiculous shit, like he feels he needs to, like he feels he deserves less than other people. He never learned to be selfish, and it pisses Sirius off, because he doesn't seem to grasp the idea that you can put yourself first. He's surprisingly good with kids, and he always makes sure to eat balanced meals with the meat charred to a crisp.  
  
...Facts.  
  
It's perfectly normal to notice these things about friends, especially when you're as close as the Marauders are, so Sirius didn't think much of it, but maybe he could use a bit more distance, just in case.  
  
"Are you still on about that?" Peter deapanned. Sirius, who hadn't realized he'd been thinking aloud, and certainly hadn't been paying attention to what he might've said, scrambled in trying to remember what it might've been. A blush rose to his cheeks, although he defied it vehemently.  
  
"I'm just saying," He recovered, flailing his arms exuberantly in distraction, "it's weird! Has he ever mentioned anything to either of you?"  
  
James and Peter immediately shared a look, as if they weren't sure how to answer, and they needed to ask eachother.  first. Sirius scowled at them, because he knew exactly what they were doing, and they should not be getting their stories straight for a question as simple as this. He glared at the very idea. Secrets! In the Marauders?! Unbelievable.  
  
"Well, it's not really our business, Pad." Peter answered first.  
  
"Yeah, mate. It's up to him. 'Sides, we've got our own things to focus on, so we haven't really been paying much attention to Moony's romantic life. Unlike you, who is happy to go about shagging the whole school and come home to Moony's welcoming arms at night."  
  
"You're jealous you have no Moony arms, is what I think." Sirius rolled his eyes. "I'm still going to investigate this, y'know."  
  
Although he looked as though he wanted to argue, James didn't, turning his gaze elsewhere pointedly. The conversation was over, but his curiousity was not.  
  
* * *  
  
"You don't have a girlfriend, do you, Moons?"  
  
  
Remus and Sirius were set up at one of the closed-off tables in the back of the library, books literally flying everywhere, sorting themselves, flicking through their own pages idly, occasionally flying into the faces of unsuspecting first years who had yet to learn to navigate the library with caution. Their table was set up to the back of a bookcase to block any uncoordinated hurling paperbacks, with a large stack of books towards the back, Due to an incident from his first year at Hogwarts, most books usually avoided Sirius, flapping hysterically from his reach. To be fair; that fire could have been caused by anyone, and he hadn't wanted to be in that class, anyway. But since Remus was there, they stayed put, surely seething in their own way.  
  
The table was much too small, and the library was always stuffy. Sirius thought he really might just be allergic to 2/3 of everything the library contained, even though he knew that was unlikely. They were forced to sit huddled together, Remus inches taller than him even sitting. Sirius gazed intently at his friend, who was jotting down notes and skimming through textbooks with exceptional skill. Sirius hadn't even touched his, but he's pretty sure this counts as studying, anyway.  
  
His stomach fluttered a bit uncomfortably. He must've eaten something bad.  
  
  
"I thought were studying, Padfoot." Remus responded strictly, not looking up. He continued scratching effortlessly across his pad, his writing flawlessly neat cursive. Sirius rolled his eyes. He never understood why the boy even bothered his constant cramming. His brain was overstuffed as it was, how could it possibly fit all those boring lessons in there?  
  
"I'm honestly offended you believed that, Moonshine. Me, study? Come on, mate. We both know I'm a natural talent."  
  
His friend sighed, putting his quill down. He turned in his seat, crossing his legs and facing Sirius, which was quite a squeeze in the small space.  
  
"No."  
  
"Hm?" Sirius asked. He'd gotten distracted, admittedly, because the space really was quite limited, and Remus all of a sudden seemed much closer. Not that it bothered Sirius to be close to Remus, but it was like putting a magnifying glass up to a crystal to inspect it. It was easy to find yourself getting lost in all the intricate little details it held. Admittedly, a large, sort of gangly crystal. One that smelled like chocolate, honey and mint. A conservatively dressed, delightfully-scented, gangly crystal.  
  
"I don't." Remus shrugged.   
  
"Really?" Asks Sirius, shocked. "Boyfriend? ...Nonbinary individual of your affection? Robot? Dog?" He winked at the last part.  
  
"I'm not much of a dog person." Remus quipped, eyebrow arching at Sirius purposefully.  
  
"Oi! Words hurt, Moony."  
  
"To answer your questions," The other boy self-consciously adjusted himself in his chair, "I haven't---- I mean, there hasn't been.....interest."  
  
"You're not --you've never been interested in anyone?"  
  
"...It's not that." He said, though he looked to regret it immediately after. "It's just--- there hasn't been interest in, well, me. By anyone, that is."  
  
Worrying his bottom lip, Remus looked nervous at having admitted it, as if the announcement would invite Sirius to list off the possible reasons as to why that is; like him being a werewolf, or being covered in angry scars that come from nowhere over the breaks that he wasn't able -- nor allowed to explain. That he was too quiet, pale, unattractive, that he was just not likeable, or that his sense of humour was hard to understand, because he didn't like to be mean, and mean was interesting.  
  
Instead, Sirius responded with a look of complete bewilderment, eyes wide, almost as if in horror. "You're sure?"  
  
The taller boy frowned. How could he  _not_  be sure? Beom the odd one out is something you feel im every fiber of you beingNot that Sirius didn't understand what it was like to be the odd one out, because he did. It was just that Remus felt it deeper. His entire school life had been a series of attempts at normality, studying vivaciously, following after the Marauders, occasionally slipping up at the odd end of an embarrassing stunt or two-- but other than that, his academic career had gone by with little to no incident. He'd preferred it this way, as well. He had enough on his hands. He had  _two_  furry little problems, after all.  
  
Being a werewolf was like being a prisoner your own body. It was being trapped in mind and soul, in every waking moment, all your thoughts and actions dictated, all your acheivements driven by this one facet. It was a scheduled event of terror, anxiety, pain and sleeplessness. You loathe every second. You loathe yourself, food, blood, sound; but at least it held a clock, a timer, a schedule. The thing about Sirius Black was that he did not. He could, at will or unintentionally, cause just as many of those things, cause just as many of those feelings, and be just as unaware, as uncontrollable. You'd be just as helpless against it, and there is no end, because there's no end to Sirius Black. He's everywhere, and it's not a bad thing.  
  
Unless you're in love with him. Being in love with Sirius Black is one hell of a cross to bear.  
  
"Sirius, of course I'm sure." He rolls his eyes. "I do know things."  
  
"This just doesn't sound right." Sirius mumbled under his breath, cupping his chin. He clicked his tongue a few times in thought. No one? Just as he'd thought, but really? That couldn't possibly be right. Moony had to have attracted some sort of interest. He was-- well, he was Moony! Who wouldn't want to date Moony?! Er, from a friendly perspective, that was.  
  
  
"Come off it, Sirius." Remus ordered, voice domineering. Sirius shivered in spite of himself, and was relieved his friend, who'd already turned back to his studying, hadn't appeared to notice. "Now, are you quite done? I'd like to pass this test, and James isn't confident that you'll be able to as the state of your progress remains." By the tone of his friend's voice, which he tried to not think of too much, he could tell the conversation was over, with no room for interjection. Sighing, he nodded curtly, and Remus began rattling off a bunch of facts for the lesson-- some of them vaguely registering in the back of his mind, others flying straight through.  
  
His gaze lingered on his friend, not paying any conscious attention to his friend's words, although he figured as much was expected of him. His eyes traced the sharp lined of his friend's jaw, down to his sleek neck, his Adam's apple jutting out. He was wearing far too many layers for a strictly indoor day, but you could still see the firm arc of his back. His arms-- quite fit for someone who used to look so ill. He had long, dusted brown lashes, and honey-brown hair that was long enough to be pinned back with some Muggle accessories called "berets" that Lily had given him (earning the silent treatment from James for two whole days.)  
  
When he finally shook his eyes free, Remus was packing his books up.  
  
"Coming?" His friend stood, stepping out of the stuffy library corner. "You alright, by the way? You zoned off again."  
  
It took a split second for Sirius to realize-- with absolute horror-- that he'd just spent the entire study period checking out his best friend. What kind of person does that? Blimey, he must look like some kind of freak right now. Looking up, feeling quite red, and ready to apologize before it hits him that Remus is, shockingly, somehow oblivious to what just happened. He gets up, moves robotic as Remus lifts his bookbag, looking chipper, as he always did after he studies.  
  
This made things more difficult.  _Perhaps there wasn't really a case here afterall, Holmes.  
_  
Just in case, he'll keep on it for a bit. Just to satisfy this one last ounce of curiousity, because Moony's failure to realize people's (he didn't want to use the word "attraction" in relation to himself, because he was not attracted to Moony, alright, (...What word, though?  _Feelings_? Even worse!) interest in him didn't satisfy him as an answer. There has to be some sort of rumour going around, something... something...He's gonna find out why no one's snatched up Moony, and he was going to...not stare as much while he did it. Because  he's just being a friend, and friends don't check out friends.  
  
His stomach fluttered again. He was going to make a mental list of everything he'd eaten that day, and was prepared to never eat it again.  
  
* * *

 

  
"Do you know of a Remus Lupin?"  
  
  
As a final ditch effort to solve the mystery, and to distract himself from what had happened, Sirius had been asking students that question all day. He approached anyone he came across, everyone staring at him with the same uncomfortable, questioning eyes, as if he were some sort of alien creature asking about household objects.  
  
  
Whereas it could've been because he'd used a transformation spell to alter his face a bit, (the perfect disguise, given that it worked. Noted; he was a bit nervous transforming his face. He was always frightened it'd stay that way.) wore --get this-- Hufflepuff robes he'd taken from the laundry, and hid his hands from sight so no one could see his nailpolish, charmed to show the phase the moon was in that day. He'd done it in Year Three, and most people just assumed it was an aesthetic thing.  
  
  
He doesn't think it was because of the unfamiliar face in Hufflepuff, however, because it's not as if many Huflepuff students exactly stand out. He couldn't name more than the Quidditch team, himself. Everyone was just particularly awkward, some looking over their shoulders, some just plain discomforted by the subject. Besides that, the weirdest thing?  
People had usually answered positively.  
  
  
Immensely positively. If he'd had taken a poll, Remus had probably come out as top in the Marauders, since he'd also taken a few questions about the rest of the Marauders, and it seems like a lot of people think they're funny, but gits down to it. Remus, on the other hand, is usually excluded from this opinion. Sirius had already known about this, all of the Marauders had, really. People either didn't want to talk about Remus, or were positive about Remus. An odd reoccurring theme he'd really positively. He'd gotten many similar answers, a few of them being:  
  
"Merlin, yes. Hey, do you know if he happens to be single yet?"  
  
"Why? Is he asking about me? How do I look? Wait, is he single now?"  
  
"You mean the hot prefect with the manly scars? God, what I'd do to get him! Too bad he's taken, am I right?"

  
"Listen here, Huffle-scruff. I don't know who you are, but you leave them alone. I know they have their problems, but they're a good couple. Just because Remus could do better than that rude git..."  
  
Needless to say, it'd been a confusing day, and he'd come up short to top it off. As far as he's aware, Remus is, in fact, single. Yet the whole student body seems to be convinced he's snogging some mystery broad, all without his knowledge.  
  
  
He at least had the satisfaction of knowing he'd been right; Gryffinfors admired his strength and ability to put the Marauders in their place, Hufflepuffs found him kind and compassionate, Ravenclaws made jokes about "not minding 'studying' with him, if you catch my drift'", even a few Slytherins seemed to get a bit feverish at the question, although it made Sirius a bit nauseous to think of his precious Moony intermingling with the enemy.  
  
  
This whole thing made Sirius queasy. He wasn't sure why, but he didn't try to figure it out, either.  
  
  
Partially out of resignation, partially because having his face transfigured for too long, he changed it back, discarding the stolen uniform in a lump somewhere in one of the corridors. He's sure it'd get back to the rightful owner eventually. He curiously asked the question a couple more times as himself, just to be thorough.  
  
  
He's read a lot of Muggle detective books. Probably too many.  
  
  
As himself, the question received less confident replies. Shocked stares and mumbled replies, avoided eye contact and shuffled feet. So far he deduced... well, he wasn't quite sure, but obviously people didn't want to tell Sirius , heir to The Noble and Most Ancient House Of Black, what they would tell a harmless Hufflepuff. Maybe they just didn't like Sirius.  
Until he asks a Gryffindor student in her Third Year, pink-faced and chubby, reeking of cat with fur all over her fall robes. Her casual answer to the question, with a slight eye-roll, was simply,  
  
  
"You mean your  _boyfriend_?"  
  
"My--- what?" Sirius choked. And yeah, normally he kept pretty good composure in the face of absurdity, at least according to him. In this case, he was taken entirely by surprise, rendered a sweaty, sputtering mess, his stomach twisting itself into unpleasant knots. His heart was beating several times faster than necessary, his face hot, ready to shake the kid for answers if need be.  
  
  
She apparently remained unaware of Sirius' inner turmoil, tilting her head and shrugging, hands on her hips.  
  
  
"You know, your boyfriend. Well, at least that's what everyone says." She explained as if it were obvious, a suspicious tone to her voice, "I mean, you're Sirius Black, aren't you? You are dressed a bit strange..." She frowned. "Sometimes I'm not really sure you are dating, but I don't know. I guess it is pretty convincing."  
He stood up taller.  
  
  
"Of course I am. I don't change out of being Sirius with my clothes, you bloody--- nevermind that, what do you mean convincing?"  
  
  
"What... I don't understand? Are you dating or not?"  
  
  
"Obviously not! If I were dating Moony, I'd parade it in front of everybody. Nobody'd not know. There'd be no speculation. Blimey, it's as if no one's even met me." Sirius scoffed.  
  
  
The girl blinked, clearly taken aback.  
  
  
"You-- woah. Seriously?"  
  
  
"Yes! Why does everyone think that?"  
  
  
"...You can't be serious." She deadpanned, her face going blank, mouth hanging open slightly. Sirius recoiled.  
  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?"  
  
  
"Oh! My beautiful Moony!" She suddenly impressioned, flouncing around him with exaggerated movements, slinging her arm around him, "Let's get married, yeah? Just us, out on the countryside."  
  
  
She ran over a few feet, standing on her tip toes, an excessively blank stare on her face, as she replied, seemingly to herself, "Now, now. Sirius, that's ridiculous. The countryside doesn't have nearly enough to entertain someone like you."  
  
  
In her 'Sirius' voice, she flailed around, melodramatically sidling herself against Sirius, "Ah, Moons, that's what you're for."  
"Get a room, you two." Messing her hair up, she let out the same low laugh James did when he teased Remus and Sirius.  
  
"Are you done?" The real Sirius screeched. His face felt hotter than ever before. He had to admit that she had quite the talent for impressions. He could see them in every voice she did.  
  
"Honestly, that's quite fun. My friends and I put on plays of you all the time." She beamed. "So? Do you see it yet?"  
  
"That Moony and I flirt?" He crossed his arms, rolling his eyes. "You can't base a relationship on that. It's rubbish. Everyone flirts."  
"You and Remus are different."  
  
"We're not."  
  
"Yeah, but you are. You're quite close, and it's obvious you love him a lot."  
  
"You just defined friendship." Sirius insisted, face growing redder.  
  
"I guess that explains why you still sleep with people... Everyone just figured you were a dirty cheat."  
  
"Hold on, kid, who exactly is everyone? They really thought I could just---- on Moony? And no one tried to tell him? Really?" He wheezed, pissed off on Moony's behalf. You'd think someone would try to tell him his boyfriend's been cheating on him. Right? Maybe the right people just don't know. Anyone with a brain wouldn't believe this godawful nonsense, he supposes.  
  
"Well... I mean, they figured it's not really their business. No one wants to break you guys up, I guess, since it's obvious you love him--" (Stop saying that!) "--even if you do mess around." She furrowed her brows. "Although, I guess not.  
"Most people say he's a bit smart for you, like, too mature, so they figured he'd catch on, anyway. People try to leave you guys alone, for the most part, though there are still your fans."

"What about all the people who've got to like Moony, then?" Sirius scoffed. "Where are they? People still come after me, but no one even goes near him."

 

"Because Remus isn't interested." She rolled her eyes. "I mean, some have. Loads. He never even realized they were trying. They didn't bother to clarify, because I think they're kinda scared of you." The girl finished. "He's only interested in you. Anyway, I've got to go, Sirius. You should really figure this out for yourself. On your own time, mind you. Later!" She advises, waving before promptly trotting off.  
  
He lost track of for how long, but he stood there for quite some time after the girl left. It must've been a while, because there were several different Slytherins shoving past him aggressively, and many different ghosts that breezed both through and past him. He found himself staring past the space the irl had disappeared from long ago, not able to move, and then he was moving without control, wandering aimlessly.  
  
_It's obvious you love him._ What was that supposed to mean?  
  
_Rumours are stupid and unreliable_ , Sirius fumes.  _Not to mention stupid._  
  
* * *  
  
The noise in the Great Hall was triumphant and enthusiastic, full of cheer and friendly chattering just as always, surely more conversation than eating. No amount of buzzing could rival that of Sirius' mind, which was working a mile a minute. Remus was the only one of them that hadn't arrived yet, meaning he'd probably gotten held up with Prefect duties. Looking around quickly, his foot tapping nervously on the ground, he scowled. It was the perfect time to press the question.  
  
"You alright, mate?" James asked, taking a bite from a chicken leg. Peter looked up.  
  
"Uh-huh. So! Question, boys. Did you know that everybody," he emphasized the word, "thinks I'm shagging our little Moony?"  
  
"Oh, yeah." Peter nodded. "For a couple years, now. But hey, it's not everybody. Some people 'ave caught on."  
  
"And they reckon you're doing a lot more than just shagging, mate." James snickered into his chicken leg. "They say it's true love. They call you 'Remirius,' you know. Everyone calls Lily and I 'Jily.'"  
  
"No, just you, actually." Peter teased. "Remirius is the entire school, Prongs. Jily is just your imagination."  
  
"It'll happen, Wormtail. Have faith."  
  
Interrupting their bickering, Sirius takes out his wand and wordlessly levitates a few particularly large meatballs into his friend's faces with a swift flick. They both looked up at him with a mixture of annoyance and amusement.  
  
  
"You never thought to mention this to me?"  
  
"We both thought you knew until a few days ago! We kind of assumed you were playing it up, y'know?" James defended, wiping his face of meatball debris on his jumper sleeve. "How were we supposed to know you'd suddenly gone oblivious?"  
  
"How would I have known? Now the whole school thinks I'm a cheating prat! No wonder no one's shagging Remus."  
  
"What's this about shagging Remus?"  
  
Appearing just on time as usual, Moony's rhythmic voice eased into the conversation seamlessly. He was still fixed on James and Peter, intent on chewing them out, scowling at the other boys, who paid no real mind, greeting their friend enthusiastically.  
  
"Hello, darling," Sirius said at last, slinging his arm over Moony's shoulders instinctively. "Did you know? These two are keeping secrets from us. We're on our own now."  
  
"Would you care to elaborate on that, Sirius, or am I meant to read your mind?" Remus asked, chuckling lightly.  
  
"You might not want to do that, Moony." James warned. "Unless you have a desire to see yourself in sexy clothes. Probably lots of Muggle-wear, I bet. From those books he's always reading."  
  
Barely resisting the urge to slather the animagi in meatballs, Sirius turns to Remus.  
  
"So today, I was doing some research in the halls--,"  
  
"Instead of doing actual research in books for school." Peter adds.  
  
"Shut up, Wormy. And I found out that the whole school thinks we're shagging! Well, the whole school without basic reasoning skills. I'm sure anyone who actually knows us sees past the facade."  
  
"I dunno, I can see where people could get confused." James teases.  
  
"In love, actually, is what they say--," Peter begins, the tone of his voice indicating he might possibly just be trying to help the story move along. Nonetheless, Sirius scowls.  
  
"Stuff it! The point is, they knew. Both of them! No one ever mentioned it to me." He emphasized. "Not only that, but the whole school thinks I'm cheating on you."  
  
Sirius' rant was interrupted as Remus choked on his tea, grabbing the attention of all three Marauders. Sirius aided him by patting his back, stifling a chuckle. It was only because his poised friend didn't typically make a fool of himself, and to not get any enjoyment out of it when he did would be a wasted opportunity. Quickly, he wordlessly summoned a cloth he could see from across the room, hastily removing the cup from his friend's hands and wrapping the cloth around them to sooth the burn.  
  
"D'ya think we should use a spell?" James asked. "How bad's the burn?"  
  
"I've had worse. It's fine. This cloth is... wet? Nicely done, Sirius. You're getting much better at wordless magic."  
  
Sirius' stomach fluttered. No, not fluttered...twisted. Viciously. A nauseous, gripping, cruel twisting sensation. His breath caught in his throat for a second before he remembered he knew how to breathe. Focusing, he frowned. Moony cleared his throat, looking at Sirius. His eyes glinted mischievously. Despite having one beside him, he summoned a cloth himself, as if for fun, striped green and silver, flying his own across the room to replace it. No one seemed to notice. Sirius' stomach is in mutiny.  
  
"I'd heard brief samples of the rumour." Moony supplies. "Never outright, of course. It does explain a lot. I was however unaware for the most part, you'll be pleased to know." He assures, cleaning himself and the table of the rest of the tea he spilled in his earlier outburst. If he's hiding anything, Sirius can't tell.  
  
"Apparently, we're the only two who didn't know, then." Sirius mumbled. "Fancy that."  
  
"In any case, it's only a misunderstanding. It shouldn't be too hard to clear your name."  
  
  
"Clear my name?" Sirius repeated, dumbfounded. "You've lost me."  
  
His friend looked highly uncomfortable, shifting in his seat and looking across the table at James and Peter as if for help. They didn't offer any.  
  
"Well, I assume you're worried about your reputation. As an, er, cheating boyfriend. I imagine the public's idea of you has suffered." He replied, although his voice wavered, like the words burned. "However, I don't imagine it'll be too hard to set the record straight. It's only a misunderstanding."  
  
"Well, yeah, I'm pissed. Think about it. No one had the sense to tell you? And think about all my shags! They had no problem whatsoever with being homewreckers."  
  
"It's not their home they're wrecking, is it?" James raised an eyebrow. "Why would they care?"  
  
"Moral compass?"  
  
"You're the one who'll say anything to get into someone's pants. How's that any better?"  
  
"That doesn't hurt anyone." Sirius argues. "Blimey, I'd never thought I'd hear you arguing for cheating, James Potter. Honestly!"  
  
"I'm not! I'm just saying, if you're able to recognize that cheating's bad, how come you can't recognize how lying to sleep with someone could also be bad? Just because this time it's you who wants to do it?"  
  
"Always with the theatrics, James. They barely qualify as lying. You know what qualifies as lying, is that teeth straightening spell you did in year Three--," They argued for a few more minutes about whether or not Sirius was, in fact, lying for sex.  
  
Peter ate in silence. Remus shifted uncomfortably.  
  
"You know what, this isn't even relevant." Sirius exclaims. "But really! This explains everything! You both had the answer the whole time."  
  
"Maybe we thought it'd be interesting to see how you'd find out." James stuck out his tongue at Sirius, who rolled his eyes in response, turning to Remus, who still looked uncomfortable.  
  
"It's no wonder no one's trying to hook up with you if they think you're taken. By someone as dashing as me, no less! You're probably still a virgin!"  
  
  
"It's f--"  
  
"I'm sure you can help with that, eh, Padfoot?" James winked at Sirius. He glared blankly in response. His mind was nine miles away and far too vivid, and it was James' fault entirely. It was James' fault entirely. He shivered as his imagination attempted to unravel Remus, who was sitting just inches away from him, completely oblivious.  
He felt sick again. He was trying to push the thought from his mind. Why was he thinking that, anyway? Blasted James. It was just Moony. He'd never thought anything like that before, so why now? Did something change?  
Something must have. Why else would he be thinking like this? Has he been jinxed? Did someone slip some sort of sick aphrodisiac potion to him?  
  
Why couldn't he stop thinking about it? Could they tell? Sure, he'd known Remus was attractive, he'd even seen him partially naked-- never for an extended period of time, unless it was for medical purposes. And not for a while, since he's a Prefect, now. Now he couldn't help wonder what was it like when he wasn't hidden. What would he be like in bed?  
Probably a control freak, he guesses, smiling unintentionally. He was too calm and patient in his everyday life. Worst of all, he could clearly imagine it. Remus, eyes darkened with lust, bossing him around,  maybe even shoving if he teased enough. Are werewolves allowed to give hickeys? Or is it too close to breaking the skin? Sirius flushed profusely. James, thinking it was from him, looked smug, and Sirius unconsciously shifted himself slightly from the boy at his side, whose presence he now felt uncomfortably aware of.

"You should really break up with me." He frowns. "I'm an awful boyfriend."  
  
"You're... aware we aren't actually dating, right?"  
  
  
"Publically, I mean. Smack me around. Make it loud."  
  
Staring at him for a few seconds, Remus replies, "No, that's quite alright."  
  
"But you'll never get a date!"  
  
"I don't mind." He shrugs. "I'll have all the time after Hogwarts. Unless you somehow manage to convince the entire world the same. Even you might struggle to manage that."  
  
"But--,"  
  
"I'm much more interested in using my time at school for the purpose of seeking out knowledge."  
  
"So there's no one you'd give up even a little study time for?" Sirius deapans. "Be honest. No one?"  
  
"I do give up study time." Remus sighed, exasperatedly. "For you--," Sirius' heart panged, "The Marauders. Would you rather I use it on someone else?"  
  
Sirius opens his mouth, shutting it just as quickly. "That's not-- I mean... there's really no one you want to date?"  
  
"Merlin, Sirius!" James interrupts before Remus has to answer. "Stop interrogating the guy."  
  
"I'm only asking!"  
"Worrying about competition?" Peter asked. James high-fived him, chortling madly. Sirius huffed, excusing himself from the table.  
"Fine, then. It's all very hilarious." He grumbled, storming off to the dormitory. He didn't see how Remus' eyes followed him out of the Great Hall, or how James and Peter shared a look resembling relief, but mixed with pity.  
  
  
* * *

  
It doesn't matter what's happening between them, because everything goes back to the way it has to be when the Marauders need eachother.  
  
"No more apologizing, Sirius." Remus chided. "I won't have it. It'll heal. It's only the Willow."

  
The Marauders are a particularly strange group of friends, as they are immeasurably close, and guard eachother's secrets with utmost intensity. The Marauders have many secrets among them, some shared among them all, others harboured. One of these secrets includes the full moon, and how it changes one among them.  
In their second year, Sirius and his friends had learned the truth about Remus. This was that he didn't have an incredibly ill mother at all, but that he himself was ill. Every month at the full moon, he would be locked in a shack underneath the Whomping Willow to mutilate himself with his transformations. When they confronted him, Remus looked so terrified, so heartbroken, that after they'd made sure Remus knew they weren't going to abandon him, Sirius and James started researching ways to help him. It wasn't easy. It wasn't even legal. They probably should've been afraid. But for Remus... Anything. 

  
The idea was to become animagi. Of course, they'd never get permission, so they'd have to do it illegally. And obviously, Remus couldn't know--not yet, because he'd reject it right off. Peter took a lot of convincing, but James was all for it. It was so immensely complicated that it'd taken almost three years to finally work out. Sirius turned into a giant, shaggy black dog. It had his eyes, and the first time Peter saw it, he fainted. James was a stag, tall and noble, yet disarray, somehow. Peter, with much help from the two of them, became a rat. Scraggly, but the most important.

  
Sirius was beating himself up. He hadn't been paying close enough attention, and Moony had almost gotten away.  The only way he hadn't was for Prongs and Sirius to chase him into the Whomping Willow, which knocked into him pretty badly. Luckily, afterwards they'd gotten him in check very quickly, and everything else had been driven from his mind, and he'd rounded Remus very closely afterwards. They'd all told him not to worry about it, Remus insisting several times, but it wasn't stopping him.

  
"It's my fault, I  _should_  be apologizing." Sirius grunted under his breath. "Maybe you should go to Madam Pomfrey. Just for this once." He didn't actually want to send Remus off, but he knew his hands were shaking, and he didn't want to risk messing anything up and it not healing. Any scar was a reminder that Remus would hate forever.

  
James and Sirius had took it upon themself to learn basic healing spells, even though Madam Pomfrey would be infuriated if she ever found out they weren't taking him directly to her. Partially because of this, and partially because it reminded Remus of his Muggle mother, Sirius had even learned manual, good old-fashioned Muggle-type first aid. Whatever he did, all he could do was comfort him and clean him up. He couldn't do much for the bruises, the scratches healed within days, and if Remus ever did hurt himself, it never healed.

  
Remus wasn't really one for hating things, but he did hate the school's infirmary. The paint-job, the smell, the atmosphere, being there, being prodded at. It was as if the more he was there, the more he fit into the category of 'incurable disease.' No one wants to feel as if they can only ever be the thing they hate most in themselves.  Remus felt that way most of the time. Infirmaries were toxic in the feeling, he'd told him once. He claimed once to Peter, who, as James was learning some simple healing spells, asked why Remus wouldn't just go to Madam Pomfrey, that it looked suspicious to be hospitalized constantly. Sirius knew better.  
  
"I can ask Lily, if you prefer." Remus offered weakly, breaking the silence. At first he avoided Sirius' eyes, but when he met them, there was a sadness there that made Sirius' stomach lurch. Lily had figured out the werewolf thing in their third year, and offered her sincere help. Lily could appreciate Remus in ways not everyone could. She, and like Sirius, like most people close to Remus, saw his bravery and compassion; everything he sheltered.  
  
Sirius wasn't sure he liked that.

  
"No." He insisted, forcefully studying his hands. Swallowing guilt and pride, he furrowed his brow, pouring some odd-smelling liquid on a cloth. Remus sat shirtless on the ground of the Shrieking Shack on a makeshift mattress of his own clothes. A long, thin gash running across his shoulder to just under his collarbone, stopping just before his other arm. He pressed the cloth down at the top, running it over it firmly a few times.

  
Sirius remembers how it'd been before became animagi. He remembers bruised fists, and gashes, and blooded clothing, and Remus wouldn't explain anything...so many secrets, Sirius was ready to jinx the whole school if he had to, just to find out who was doing it to him. It'd been a stressful time. Moony had been hiding something from him, and he'd been in pain, lying... And then he'd found out, and there wasn't anything he could do to help him. Not for the longest time.

  
Remus had fought vehemently when he found out what they were doing.  _'Think of the danger! I won't have it, Sirius, not for me--'_

_'Peter, how could you possibly be talked into this?'_

_'James, you can't possibly think this-- I mean, Sirius, maybe--,'_

  
_'No one asked for your permission, Remus.'_

  
_'I-- You can't. I'll--'_

  
_'We're already in the process, Remus, so if you run off to a teacher now, we'll go to Azkaban.'_  
  
He begged them some more, but in the end he hadn't been able to do anything but help, and fret, and they'd felt bad cornering him, of course, but what were they supposed to do?  And now, after all the strain and fighting, and all the danger, Remus still got hurt.  
  
"I'm glad," Remus breathed. "She is rather elaborate with her lectures."  
  
"Yeah, well, there's that much for me, I guess," Sirius mumbled, now carefully trailed his wand over Remus' torso, gazing at the long gashes with unreadable feeling, muttering inaudibly. Sirius was careful when it came to this, having read up on healing spells enough to realize they're not for repetitive use. Messing up wasn't an option. "I'm not much for lecturing." He finished.  
  
"No, I suppose you wouldn't be." Remus chuckled. "Hey." He caught Sirius' attention. "Don't beat yourself up, Sirius. I mean it. You have to appreciate how remarkable it is that you can do this much for me as it is. It means the world, everything you've all done." Although obviously worn out, he comforted Sirius. Sirius nodded, swallowing.  
  
"You deserve more than this." Sirius hissed, frustratedly, and he balled his fists. "I hate this."  
  
Remus blinked up at him, and Sirius avoided his gaze. Embarrassed at his outburst, he grabbed the gauze.  
"Hey," He said gently, now. "Think you can sit up?"  
  
Remus nodded. He sat up on his hands, protected from splinters by his discarded clothing. Sirius adjusted himself so he could comfortably wrap the gauze around his friend's torso. He was focusing hard, but couldn't help notice his friend's ragged breathing. He was always very weak after the full moons, but Sirius didn't want to treat him as if he were fragile.  
"You all right?"  
"Fine, Sirius." He breathed.  
"Mm. I think that's fine, although it'll have to be changed quite often. If I'm not around, one of the other boys ought to be." Sirius says, taping the gauze. "You can lie back down, now."  
Remus does, and Sirius grabs a cold compress. He gives it to Remus to place as he pleases, a thin layer of sweat adorning his handsome features. There's silence in the Shack. After about ten minutes of this, Sirius was too bored to continue.  
"I heard Marlene McKinnon asked you out." Sirius remarked conversationally. Despite being tired, under eyes darkened and skin paled, Remus seemed to flush. The pale pink of his cheeks was the only positive colour he had.  
  
"...That's correct. I suppose she worked it out that we weren't really together a while ago, but was... er, working her nerve up?" Remus sounded as if he didn't believe it.  
  
"What'd you say?" Sirius' eyes swept over Remus. He'd have told him if he started dating someone, right? They were best friends.  
  
"I told her I'd think about it." Was the short reply. Sirius nodded ---- he'd said that to quite a few people in his time. Everyone knew it was a cop-out answer. Though surely when Remus said it, he probably intended to. The thought irritated him just a bit. Sometimes he wished he wasn't so polite. If he didn't like her, something in Sirius wanted him to make it clear.  
  
"Will you?"  
  
"Perhaps." Moony chuckled, looking pensive. "But, ah...I'm not sure it'd be a good idea. I suspect it was Lily trying to set me up with someone."  
  
"Why do you think that?"  
  
"She talks her up quite a bit to me. I'm not exactly known for breaking hearts; and although I certainly wouldn't set a friend up with a monster, I imagine some might. Provided they  _looked_  stable enough." He added, "Always been quite the activist, Lily."  
  
"You're not a monster, Moony." Sirius frowned. "Not even close."  
  
"Sure, sure." He appeased, much too exhausted to argue.  
  
"She could've just liked you, you know. There doesn't have to be an ulterior motive." Sirius argued.  
  
"No." He agreed. "Just usually. Otherwise, I don't see..."

  
"What?"  
  
  
"It's nothing."  
  
"No, what?" He insisted.  
  
Remus furrowed his brows, as if he didn't know how to explain it. Or he did, but he didn't want to. "I'm not like you, Sirius. I'd be a bit... unusual, even without this." He motions to the shack. Sirius understands. "And I'm incredibly bland. The most interesting aspect of me is the fact I'm a terrible monster. It makes more sense that it's Lily, because I haven't the faintest what anyone could... see in me." He looked incredibly regretful of what he'd just said, as if Sirius would agree with him, come to a sudden realization and leave him forever.  
Sirius rolled his eyes.  
"Have you gone mental?" He asked. "The only thing wrong with you is the fact you can't see yourself at all." He argued. "You've got yourself completely wrong. Monster? Moony, you iron your socks."

  
Remus chuckled lightly, his face a bit redder. "That was one time, Sirius."  
  
"One time caught." He winked. "It amazes me how you can always dwell on this one part of you, mate. You're so much more."  
  
"Not much more."  
  
Sirius sighs.  
  
"Anyway, you said you're not interested in anyone, so I guess poor Marly'll have to find someone else." He changes the subject.  
  
Moony didn't say anything. Sirius narrowed his eyes at him.  
  
"Moony?"  
  
"Hm?"  
  
"Is there?"  
  
"Is there what?" He feigned ignorance. He suddenly seemed very interested in something across the room. Sirius felt a bit sick. He wasn't sure why... He'd felt fine seconds ago. He'd have to have a chat with the Hogwarts house-elves. They'd obviously been slacking, clearly. He'd felt so ill, lately. Oh, well.  
  
"Is there someone you're interested in after all?" He waggled his eyebrows. "Is it Nymphie again?"  
"Don't call her that, Sirius." He said, gravely. "It's no one."  
  
"Since when are you and Dora even friends?" Sirius pouted. "I haven't seen her around..."  
  
"It's--not--Tonks. Leave it, Sirius." Remus stressed. "And you'd be surprised how many people find it useful to suck up to Prefects."  
"Would I really?" Sirius grinned. "I'm me, after all."  
  
He didn't reply.  
  
"So who is it then?" Sirius prodded. "Come on. Out with it."  
  
"It's no one." Remus said, through gritted teeth. "I gave up seconds after I realized the...ah, infatuation existed. I've kept my distance and I'll _continue_ to do so. They'll never know, and neither will anyone else. Even you, Sirius."  
  
"Infatuation?" Sirius asked. "So... like, _love?_ "  
  
"We should be getting up to the castle." Remus decided. "Help me up? The cloak's over there. We'll need to be careful so we're both covered."

  
The conversation was clearly over. Sirius cast a spell to make Remus' way easier, and then proceeded to help him hobble his way back into the castle, making sure they were both secured under the cloak the whole time. They walked in silence, Remus obviously tense. Sirius wondered about what he said whilst they walked. If Remus loved this person so much, why wouldn't he even give himself a chance to be with them? Who could possibly have even caught his attention? He was so busy all the time. Sirius felt something gnawing at the pit of his stomach. He could barely even get Remus to put his book down for breakfast, but someone had caught his attention enough for him to fall in love with them? How'd they manage that?  
His stomach was coiled like a snake, striking anytime he thought about his friend. Unfortunately, against his will, he couldn't stop thinking about him. The feeling kept getting more aggressive. His laugh, his smile, his one dimple, the light freckles that dusted his pale skin. The way he looked when he was trying not to laugh at whatever stupid joke Sirius had just told...

  
Sirius groaned. There was still that feeling in his stomach like venom.  
  
  
* * *  
The healthy thing to do here would be to deny everything. Or perhaps say nothing at all.

He didn't know why he was being affected. Sirius wasn't affected by anything when he should be. When he was disowned, he hadn't had anything else to say. He walked out. He hadn't spoken. Maybe he was in shock; maybe that was the wrong kind of emotion to compare it to. Maybe it was too different. He'd just flown to Gringotts, withdrawn enough money he'd thought it'd take to last until Hogwarts, and went to the Leaky Cauldron to stay for a night. He sent an owl to the Potters, and was picked up the next day with a shower of tears and bear hugs. He hadn't said anything to them, either. He'd shakily nodded, and didn't speak about it for a while. He'd laughed a lot when he had; not humourously, either. The kind of lifeless, sickening laughter that comes before vomit. 

When Uncle Alphard died, he'd been upset, sure. He'd been angry at what his parents were saying about him. But beyond that, he still felt largely like he wasn't inclined to feel anything. He hadn't known him particularly well, and he didn't know what to mourn. He'd sat and thought on him for a while. He figured, though he didn't know, that he owed him that. He gave him independence.

It's not like him. He can't think of anything to compare to. This isn't an event, it's just a thing. He can't compare it. He shouldn't. He especially shouldn't be affected by it. 

Still; the rumour had some sort of chain-reaction on him. The conversation he'd had with Remus had done something, too. He's sure Remus had forgotten it, and he should have too. He's not sure why he hasn't. For some reason, he just felt... too aware about the relationship between him and Moony nowadays. It was plainly wrong; Moony should never be an effort. He should be something easy, but always something to look forward to. Just like the Marauders, because they all know what matters about eachother, and no one has to fake anything.

  
Instead, being around him, even the littlest details had become stressful and strained for Sirius. He was intensely aware of every single detail pertaining to their relationship, and he couldn't help but focus on most of them. There were a lot. How close they stood next to eachother. How warm Remus was, because again, they always stood so close. How his laugh was one of his favourite sounds. How he looked at him. How casually they touched eachother. How infuriating it was when Remus wasn't paying attention to him. What did it even mean to want someone's attention so much? Has he always been so clingy? 

It's hard to focus on anything when he's around him. He thinks too much on where his hands are supposed to be, how he's supposed to respond, how long he stares. He's almost glad the teachers keep them separate in class (he'd always spend the whole period flirting) because it meant he had some space to get a grip. He found himself trying harder, acting weirder. It wasn't normal, and he hated it. 

  
It's not that he had a problem, exactly. Not with their closeness, or with their relationship. Not with anything. He didn't even care that people thought they were together. It's just that now he couldn't stop thinking about it. When Sirius thinks about things they get complicated.  
  
"Do you think Me and Remus are a bit too close?" Sirius asks James and Peter one night when Remus is preoccupied with prefect duties. The three of them were scattered on the floor of the dormroom, their beds seeming miles away as apposed to inches, all of them feeling too lazy to do more than sit up after a particularly rough Quidditch match. Peter didn't even play; he just cheered and celebrated with a lot of enthusiasm.  
  
  
"You have to be kidding me, is that what this is?" James practically shrieks, shooting up so quickly it made him dizzy. He looked at Sirius with a glare that could rival Lily Evans herself. Sirius recoiled.  
  
"What what is?" He demands, defensive.  
  
  
"You've been avoiding Moony like the plague, mate." Peter pipes up from his place on the floor, not passionate enough about the topic to sit up. "Everyone's noticed." He adds.  
  
"So we _are_ too close!"  
  
"No!" James insists, summoning a pillow to slam into the side of Sirius' head, "I mean, yeah, but that's how you're supposed to be, you git. Don't try and change it now. You know how Moony's self-esteem is! He's fragile!"  
  
"Who's fragile?"  
  
As usual, Remus has impeccable timing and the habit to arrive in the middle of a conversation, and there he stood, blinking slowly, arms crossed in the doorway of the dormitory. Sirius swallowed, his throat suddenly dry.

  
"Woah, Moony. You really have the best timing, have I mentioned?" James complimented sincerely, backing off Sirius, who rubbed his head, pouting.  
Remus didn't say anything for a moment, looking over the room pensively. The state of his friends made him shake his head slightly. The three boys looked up at him with false innocence, smiling widely. Sirius' smile falters slightly when he realizes how serious Remus looks. He looks so responsible whenever he comes back from Prefect duties.  
  
_They say he's a bit smart for you, y'know, too mature? He_ remembers a small voice saying.  
  
His chest flutters and his throat feels a bit tighter than before. He looks away from his friend's gaze, feeling his face heating up in anger. Maybe it doesn't matter, and he's overreacting, but Moony is not _that_ mature. Sure, he's intelligent, and he always thinks he has to be the best or no one will like him. He's strict and he's careful and he doesn't always let himself do what he wants, but Moony's not too smart for him. He still laughs at all his jokes, even the bad ones, and he goes along with all the awful ideas that usually result in a close-call with a teacher and a celebration of Firewhisky afterwards. What do they even know about him, anyway? Or Sirius, for that matter? They'd honestly thought he could cheat on Moony! That just proves it. This whole school is mad.  
  
  
"Ah, right. Well, Lily-- er, Evans wants to study, so I'll be back later, I suppose."  
  
"Studying?" James inquired, interest peaked, "With Evans? She wants to study with you?"  
  
"That, or it's a ploy to get me alone." Remus winks. James' face turns a bright colour of red, and before he can attempt to rip his friend's head off, Remus adds, "To set me up on a blind date, of course. What were you thinking, James?"  
  
  
"Oh." He breathed, colour going back to normal. "Why? She's...trying to set you up? She's said so? Really?"  
  
"It's that or she's lost all interest in academic studies and the only topic she can think of to fill the silence is the positive qualities of her best friend."  
  
  
"Ooh. Good luck, man. You're gonna need it."  
  
"Thanks. I should be off, then. I'm supposed to be meeting Lily in the library." The man scans the room again, and nods, "Goodbye, Sirius."  
  
After he leaves, James gives him a lecture about not worrying about how close he and Remus were because it was totally normal, and why are you even worrying about that in the first place, and maybe you should buy him some chocolate, because he looks a bit ticked-- he hears most of it. Maybe.  
  
"Now that that's over... maybe I should try asking Lily to study."  
  
"If you think getting beat up by a bunch of paperbacks in her presence will woo her, go ahead."  
James grumbles in resignation, flopping  back onto the ground.

  
"You're lucky, Sirius. You never need to worry about love. Or anything regarding other people's feelings, because you... You're totally clueless." He smiles. "Helpless, really."  
"Completely oblivious." Peter agreed.  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Sirius asked, brows furrowed, head whipping between the two boys. "What are you two on about?"  
  
Neither of them answer, and Peter falls asleep a few minutes later.  
* * *  
  
  
Sirius had been acting strange. Remus had noticed this; because Remus noticed most things. He'd said nothing, because he does that as well. 

While it's true their relationship was always abnormal; whispering, hugging, the occasional cuddle, if Sirius is bored enough, it was painfully obvious when there was even a slight change to the way they worked. Ordinary boundaries had never been a concern of Sirius', and Remus had never minded that about him.  
  
Their relationship was always too close. Whispering, hugging, occasionally cuddling. Ordinary boundaries weren't a concern of Sirius', they never had been. Remus can't pretend he minded at all. Remus had many surprises in relation to Hogwarts. The fact he was allowed to go was a blessing in itself. He had never expected to make friends, let alone any as loyal as The Marauders had turned out to be. Sirius paying extra attention to him had been like an extra gift. It had made him feel special, and above all, it hadn't even felt off. It'd been natural, easy; no one ever questioned it. They'd always been this way. And when they grew up, they had seamlessly merged into flirting.

  
...Well, Sirius had. Remus usually just listened, trying not to call attention to it, playing it off casually with a chuckle or by pushing him away goodheartedly, simply acknowledging what it was; a joke. It was strange by anyone else's standards, maybe, but normal by theirs. In third year, when Remus had realized he'd made the mistake of falling in love with Sirius, he had taken it in silence, burying it as deep as he could, suffering in silence. Throughout the years, he'd developed an exemplary pokerface, never letting himself slip for even a moment.  He couldn't hurt in front of Sirius and have him know, not because of this. So he learned to disguise his feelings, and now he always hurt in front of Sirius. It was his fault. He should have been more careful. To Sirius, it was all fun and games. Remus had to accept that he would always care more. It was strange, since he'd been such a bad liar in the beginning. He couldn't even hide his... true nature believably. Lying was effortless now. He should be thankful.

Especially now, when it seemed as if lately they could barely hold a conversation. As a habit, he'd gone over everything he could have done to make it happen, make Sirius withdraw from him. Something in him kept trying to incriminate him, but couldn't find anything to sufficiently do it with. Even his worst thoughts couldn't find anything that looked worthwhile.

 _Friday; neglected Sirius in favour of studying with Lily.  No... Can't be. We have a schedule._ Remus furrowed his eyebrows.

_Sunday; told him to turn down his music when I was studying... Possible._

Sirius did ask about his love life. Maybe that was it. Had he given it away after all these years? He'd panicked when Sirius had started asking questions, but he'd rehearsed for this years go. If only he hadn't heard about that silly rumour. The first time he was lucky enough to have James interrupt, but after that... He supposes... Did he let anything incriminating out? If Sirius did find out, it must have been after they left the Shack. Was he distancing himself to let him get over it? Could he really know? Surely he'd tell him, right?

Maybe he wasn't blase enough about the school assuming they were together. Maybe he had been too blase? Considering he'd literally choked at the revelation, he doubted he'd reacted correctly, in any case. Maybe he should accept Marlene's request for a date to keep his mind off it. Yes, that could work. No, what is he thinking? That's an awful idea. Still... what if it works? It might throw Sirius off the trail. If he's on it.

Unless he knew already... Remus swallowed that idea down. 

  
Maybe he'd just been getting to be too be too much to handle. Werewolves are a full package, in a bad way. Full-moons have affects on you even when they're not in progress. They're something you're always looking over your shoulder for. With tolerating Remus, he had to tolerate the wolf. With the wolf came the moon, and moodswings (He calls them "Moon swings," the git.) and his transformations. It's natural to need a break. He could understand that.

Either he's sick of him for something he can't control, or distancing himself for something he can't control. Either way, it was out of Remus' control. It was always out of his control. 

  
"What's wrong, Remus?" Remus flinched, looking up to see a short, tubby boy with curly blond hair and bucked teeth. Peter. He was usually someone who didn't speak too much, and laid low. He was very observant.  
  
Not that he felt hard to read.  
  
"Nothing." Remus lied.  
  
"You've been staring at the same page for ages." Peter pointed out. "You'd usually be onto another book by now."  
  
Remus didn't reply. He wasn't sure how to.   
  
"Is it because of Sirius?"  
  
"Why would you think that, Wormtail? W--I'm fine."  
  
"He's been a bit odd, lately. Did you two have a fight?"

"Sirius is always odd." He avoided. "It's his ethos."

"I'm not sure..."   
  
He wasn't sure, either. He reminded himself that the Marauders would last forever. They would be in stories. They were in the carvings on their cabin on the Hogwarts train. They were in memories in the hallway. They'd be in the exasperated stories told by teachers in the lounges. They'd be in the warnings on Zonkos products. They'd be in the stories told by other kids for years. He and Sirius were a part of that, and this was not. This too shall pass. Still. Remus had noticed pitiful glances in his direction, as well as hushed voices of concern. A first year had even asked him about Sirius. He hadn't been sure what to say.

   
It was almost like they'd broken up, in compliance to rumours. Sirius hadn't woken him up by jumping in his bed, crawling under the covers and pressing his freezing toes to his thighs, making a remark about Remus being his personal heater. Waking him up whenever thought struck him because he was the only one who'd ever allow himself to be woken up at four a.m so Sirius could explain some ridiculous hair-brained scheme to him, and then, when he explained the flaws to the plan, eventually cave into Sirius's moping and help devise a plan that wouldn't end in outright detention. Nor had he slung his arm around his waist as they'd walked, or leaned his head on his shoulder at breakfast. They barely flirt, since they barely talk. It's short and curt. Remus is trying to pretend he isn't incredibly hurt, but it feels like his best friend doesn't care about him anymore. He is. He is _incredibly fucking hurt._

  
Out of all the things Sirius used to do to him, the only thing he had really continued was filling his stomach with vicious butterflies and leave him to think about it.  
  
"Hey, Moony. Wormtail." James greeted.  
  
"Hey, Prongs. Hey, Padfoot." Peter replied.  
  
"Hey." Sirius nodded absently.  
  
Remus sat up straight, tense at his friends' arrival. He inhaled sharply as they all sat down, James and Peter on one of the two-people couches, Remus sat on the couch, legs crossed, book in his lap. Sirius glanced at him briefly, but sat on the floor. Remus tried not to notice.  
  
"Somethin' wrong with Moony?" James asked, concern etched on his face.  
  
Before Peter could reply, Remus interrupted, "Oh, no. I was just... What do you all think of Marlene McKinnon?"  
  
"She's hot. For a blond. I myself prefer, of course, dashing red hair and a right-hook like a troll's club. But that's just me."  
  
"She's quite nice," Peter agreed. "Why?"

 

Sirius didn't say anything. He was busy pretending to be very interested in the rug tassel.  
  
"For the past few weeks she's been hinting her interest. She guessed I'd be able to figure out if I were consistently being cheated on." He explains. "I'm on the fence, mind you, but she's asked me to accompany her to The Three Broomsticks. As a date, I believe."  
  
"Really?" James grinned. "What'd you say?"  
  
"Nothing, yet." He admits quietly. "I'm ashamed to admit I've been considering it. I've been a bit bored lately..." He trails off, before clearing his throat, "It seems like an awful idea, doesn't it?"  
  
"You worry too much, mate, I think you should go for---"  
  
"Do you like her?" Sirius asked. James and Peter looked at him questioningly.  
"I mean, if she were this mystery person you're hiding from us all, you'd have done cartwheels, so I'm guessing she's not it." Remus felt a pang in his chest. He almost blushed, pressing his hand to his face distractedly. "You clearly like someone else more, but do you like her at all? Or are you just bored?"  
  
_No_. Is what he thought. _Never even noticed her. I'm just hoping..._  
  
"I could, perhaps." Is what he said.  
  
_I don't think I will._ He also thought. 

  
"So you don't." Sirius rolls his eyes. "Say what you bloody well mean, Remus."  
  
"Well no, but not everyone goes into a relationship with feelings already established, Sir-"  
  
"Why's Marlene any different from Mystery bloke? You'll give her a chance even though you don't like her, but whoever it is that you actually like can just fuck off?" He sounded bewildered. "How's that make any sense?"

  
"Blimey, Sirius! You're taking this awfully personal!" James frowns. "Did Marlene drop a dung-bomb in your breakfast? What's gotten into you?"  
"Nothing." Sirius shut up.  
  
Remus felt his heartbeat quicken to a sickening degree as a wave of terror washed over him. He'd been so careful. He'd been agonizingly sure not to let it slip. He'd been so, so careful not to do anything to clue Sirius in. Maybe he should've just accepted Marlene's invitation the first go. Or perhaps he should've been more prone to expressing interest in the females they pursued.  He definitely should've set boundaries.  
  
"I'm sorry." He blurted, cursing himself afterwards. The three of them looked at him as if he'd gone mad. Sirius quirked an eyebrow.  
  
"What for?"  
  
"I don't know why you're... displeased," He cringed at his choice of words, "with me. I don't know why you're upset. I just--don't want you to be. Anymore."  
  
Just please don't _know._  
  
"Because, Moony!" He shouted, exasperated. "All that time, we were wondering why people didn't want you, and it turns out they do! And you could have just about anyone, but you choose the first person who bothers to ask. You deserve more than just," he flailed for the words, "settling. You even like someone, but you've decided they're not allowed to know."  
  
"I'm surprised you care." Remus didn't mean to say it that way.  
  
"What's that supposed to mean?" Sirius asked, offended. "We're friends, Remus. Obviously I care. Blimey, does everyone find me that much a prat?" He added, looking towards Sirius and Peter, who looked guilty.  
  
"I never said we weren't," he mutters, fumbling, "but we-- well, we haven't been--," sigh," Forgive me for not..." He let out another loud sigh of exasperation, signalling the end of the thought. Sirius had an unreadable expression on his face, and Remus really didn't mean to keep speaking. "I apologize. However, I see nothing wrong in... settling. I'm not exactly valuable goods. I appreciate the concern, Sirius, but I'm fine." He swallowed. "As for the other thing, I assure you it's much better this way."  
  
"You're not fine. You're acting fine."  
  
"I'm fine, Sirius."  
  
All his friends gave him doubtful looks. Remus tried not to notice them. 

  
* * *  
  
She was funny, sweet, and she had a nice smile.  
  
Unfortunately, he kept comparing her to Sirius, and she never matched up.  
  
Her sense of humour was alright, if not obscure; a bit hard to understand. It often took until the joke had passed for Remus to realize she'd told one. She sugarcoated things, and worshipped, and always studied just as hard as he did. Her long, wavy blond hair fell prettily on each side of her face, but whenever he closed his eyes, he imagined the soft disheveled black hair that fell to the sides of another face. Her blue eyes twinkled sweetly, but Remus found himself missing the mischief in similar grey. Her lashes were shorter, her lips were plumper, she kept her head down, dressed conservatively, was never loud at all. It would be a good match, he supposes.  
  
Just not quite the one he desires. He's trying, he really is. It's just hard.  
  
"So, Moony. Get all steamy with McKinnon, yet?" James smirked, wiggling his eyebrows jokingly at Remus from across the table.

Sirius sat beside him, resting his head on his shoulder. Their relationship had slowly returned to normal. Sirius had even started dating a girl from Ravenclaw called Jennifer, apologizing and saying he was probably just frustrated. ("You know how I get, darling.") It'd come as something of a surprise to everyone. Sirius very rarely actually dates, and his interest tends to be directed towards men. Additionally, he had no real interest in her prior that anyone had noticed. She was tall, almost lanky, brunette, with a flat chest, constantly wearing cardigans large sweaters and chiding them for their pranks and bad humour.  
  
People whispered harshly about Marlene and Jennifer alike. They called Jennifer 'an obvious replacement to Remus.' He scoffed at this. He didn't need to be replaced. He hadn't gone anywhere. He'd always be there. Just because she wore sweaters? Remus tried to defend her when he had the chance, because it's not fair for her to get backlash for the impressions other students had of them. Marlene got a hard time just for not being Sirius, because apparently Remus was only supposed to be with him. Marlene didn't mind the attention, but Remus still felt bad. Especially since a part of him wished the rumours were true himself.  
  
"No." Remus replied, shortly. He would've evaded, argued about privacy, but he knew better than to think he could get out of it.  
  
"What?" James spat out the waffle he'd just bitten into. "Seriously? But you've been spending so much time together, I could've sworn you'd done something!"  
  
"James." Remus deadpanned. "How would I explain them?" They all knew he was talking about his scars. He was glad he didn't need to clarify, because they made everyone uncomfortable, him especially. He loathed every single one, and any moment not thinking about them was a blessed one.  
  
"So you're just, what, going to be a virgin forever?" James balked, elaborating each letter.  
  
"If need be." Remus shrugged. Not that he didn't have an ...appetite. It was just...well, statistically implausible. Out of the small group of people who might be willing, who would be willing to accept a monster? Who would be daft enough not to question the scars? Where he went every month? Who would stick around?  
Besides... he was quite sure he only really wanted to be with one person, and he couldn't.

  
"So you're just going to string poor Marlene around? Not let her get an actual taste?" Sirius asked, suddenly active in the conversation. Remus almost blushed at the implication. Sirius Black was definitely not someone he wanted to talk about his sex life with. "What kind of cruel mistress have you become, Moony?"  
  
"It's no loss of hers, I can assure you."  
  
"I dunno, mate," Sirius sat up, winking at him. "I think I need some proof."  
  
Remus felt like his chest caught fire. He was truly rather pathetic, but at least things were back to normal. Through years of practice, he kept his composure, shaking his head in exasperation as Sirius slung his arm around his shoulders, their conversation flawlessly transitioning from his (lack of) sex life to a prank James wants to play on Slytherin.  
  
  
* * *  
  
Sirius was pretending things were normal. In fact, he was getting pretty good at this pretending thing.  
He's not even sure why things aren't normal. Or why his stomach always flutters and his palms sweat and he's so aware of his best friend's presence.  He'd get over it eventually, whatever it was.  
A part of this normal was flirting. Sirius had missed this, and he was relieved to finally be able to do it again. Unfortunately, he was still very aware of their closeness, so whenever he told a bad joke, or leaned in close, or whispered in his ear, he would wait nervously for Remus' reaction. Remus seemed to relax into every embrace, so Sirius tried not to worry too much.  
  
It helped that he had started dating a girl named Jen, who was a Ravenclaw. He didn't usually go for girls, and he didn't usually date, but something about her attracted him to her. She wore big sweaters, and disapproved of most things he did. She chided him a lot, and they had to plan their make-outs around her studying schedule, but there was just something....something about her...  
He was explaining his situation with Remus to her when she interrupted with a scoff.  
"It sounds like you're attracted to him." Jennifer supplies, the look on her face indicating it's quite obvious to her. "Hearing that the school has perceived your relationship as romantic has caused you to dwell on this, and now you're consciously exploring the possibility that you might desire that." She explained. "You're also jealous. That's the 'hurty feeling.' The fluttery feeling sounds like infatuation...maybe lust... no, you'd know lust."  
  
"I didn't hear most of that." Sirius confessed, "But more importantly, we should shag."  
  
"No."  
  
"Bollocks." Sirius cursed. "You're not even studying. Much. I'm barely breaking the rule."  
  
  
"Firstly, I am studying. There is no variation in the way I study. I'm not you. I either am, or I am not, and I am. Secondly, I'm not going to shag you just because you're frustrated over your attraction towards Remus."  
  
"There's no attraction. Stop saying that!"  
  
"I will keep saying there's attraction just as long as you keep saying there isn't. And one one of us might convince you." She huffed. "It's likely-- very likely, that there's always been an underlying attraction to him. You're just so emotionally stunted you didn't know how to identify it, so you ignored it. Figured that it was just normal, since it'd always been there. But now that everyone's pointing out Remirius to you, you can't ignore it anymore. Anyway, that's just what I think. I'm not a psychiatrist."  
  
Sirius groans helplessly. "You're awful!" He hissed. "Remirius? What the _bloody hell_ \---,"  
  
"Maybe so," She says, "but I look enough like him that it doesn't matter much, does it?" Her voice was clipped, and Sirius' mouth went dry. The conversation ended immediately, the only audible sound the turning of pages.  
  
Was _that_ the something about her? His stomach lurched.

  
* * *  
Shit.

Maybe she had a point. Fucking Jen. Fucking Remus-lookalike bullshit. 

So it was just a superficial thing? He'd always been attracted to hot people. Regardless of any insignificant detail; although he did tend to go for men. Maybe when Remus got all hot? That had to be it. It was just superficial attraction. Now that he'd heard that damned rumour, it was basically forcing him to be weird about it. It was messing with his vibes, that's all. Nevermind that hearing his laugh made his heart race, or that he felt physical pain whenever Remus looked upset. It was entirely superficial; the fault of rumours and schoolchildren believing in nothing. And Remus, and summer vacation. He broke the rule, honestly... The one that says dorky best friends are forbidden to become hot. It's selfish.  
  
He scowls and turns up his music. He thinks the genre is called... kool-aid funk? Did he hear that right? Something like that. He's feeling it. He closes his eyes and concentrates. Sirius was not interested in his best friend. Superficial. His best friend is hot. That's all. If he sometimes imagined he felt a scar under his fingers when he touched Jen's face, or that the arms he was running his hands down were more muscular than they were, that was fine. Didn't mean anything; he convinced himself.

  
Another thing that meant nothing is when Sirius thought about what kind of boyfriend he might be if he were with Remus instead. He'd never really done the whole boyfriend thing. Honestly he's not even really doing the boyfriend thing now and he literally is a boyfriend. But when he thought about being with Remus, he felt happy, a radiant surge of pride, and could imagine himself pulling him down by his tie in a crowded room of people just to kiss him, showing off to the world that he had a cool, kickass boyfriend, who was smart and kind and could keep up with his every move. He imagined himself doing it differently. He'd want to be a good one. Moony deserves a good one.  
But Moony _has_ a good one, Sirius reminded himself, and in any case he's not really interested. Right?

His headphones are ripped from his ears.  
  
"Padfoot."   
  
"Hm?"  
  
Sirius turned his head lightly, bored, to his friend's face. He was standing over him, looming, putting very efficient use to his free period by staring at Sirius curiously.  
  
"Do try to resist me, dear Prongs. This is claimed property you see here."  
  
He ignored the fact he was thinking of Remus when he said it, and not Jen.  
  
"Do you like Moony?"  
  
Sirius felt like he'd been hit by a piano.  
James saw something in his face, and glared. Sirius' chest started beating faster in recognition, and he prayed for something to swallow him right then. He'd been sure that he wasn't... that he would know if he liked Remus. He hadn't even been loved by his family, how was he supposed to know what it felt like? Was he really that oblivious? It all came rushing to him now. His chest fluttered in familiarity as if he'd already known.  
  
He did. He liked his best friend.  
  
Fuck.  
  
"Bad idea, Pad. You've really done it, this time."  
  
"I know." He pulled on his hair in frustration. "I know, shit. Fuck. I know. Dammit, James, I know. Shit." He cursed.  
  
"It's just----what if you two split? Did you even think---,"  
  
"I didn't bloody well do it on purpose, did I!?" Sirius responded, sitting up, glaring at the other harshly. "It's not something I'd have chosen. And it's not like we can split, because we're not together. That would require him liking me back, don't you reckon?"  
  
"...Right."

"What?"

"Nothing. Dammit, Sirius, it's Moony! Of all the people in this world!" James exclaimed, looking around him to make sure Remus wasn't about to burst into their conversation out of nowhere like usual.  
  
"How'd you find out?"  
  
"Really, Sirius?" James rolled his eyes. "You look at him like those Dewie Bowie posters."

"David." He corrected. "And I do not."

"Whatever. And no, not quite. That'd be creepy. If i were Bowie, I'd get a restraining order on you."

"James."

"Well, your girlfriend's a dead ringer. And just... there's a lot of ways to tell, mate. It's not hard to put together."  
  
After a while, Sirius finally spoke up, "Do you think he knows?"  
  
"No. Remus doesn't...think stuff like that. He wouldn't date Marlene if he did."  
  
I don't think you should tell him, Pads." James continued. "Not until we know it's not a passing thing. Moony's too much for you to risk. "  
  
"How would we even know that?" He hissed. "It's not like he'd freak out, James. He'd be fine. We were fine with his thing--,"   
  
"I know. It's not that. I.. don't know," his friend replied exasperatedly. "Does it feel permanent? He just shouldn't find out yet."

"But why not?"

"Just because!" James insists. "It's different. Besides, he's got Marlene, and you've got Jen, and if you two did get together--,"

 

"Why do you keep saying that? It's telling him how I feel, it's not requited. Blimey, James." He rolls his eyes. 

James looked uncomfortable.

"I just don't think you should."

"Alright, fine." Sirius huffed. "Who knew you were so opinionated? Geez."

"Are you just saying you won't to placate me, or will you really not?" James asks skeptically.

"Go _away,_ Prongs. I won't say anything, Merlin."  
  
He could handle that. It probably _was_ just a passing thing, after all.  
  
* * *  
  
It was early November, and Hogwarts was preparing for the holiday season as it always did. Lights were strewn, garlands littered the bannisters, and the ghosts were already driving the students and staff near insane with excessive caroling. Despite Christmas usually being his favourite holiday, Sirius wasn't really feeling it this year.  
Christmas was sweet, loving, full of family ideals and eggnog, snogging, cuddling up in front of the fireplace, heartfelt gifts and mistletoe. All of these things used to be things Sirius loved to make jokes of, or even participate in himself, but now they all seemed sour, constantly rubbed in his face.  
Remus loved Christmas as well, and so did his girlfriend. If Sirius had to continue to walk in on them being so sickeningly lovey-dovey, in front of the fireplace with marshmallows and hot cocoa, his arm around her and her head on his shoulder. Or her giggling whenever he wore that godawful sweater she bought him that Remus pretends doesn't make his skin crawl, or the way she insists on barging in on the Marauders' quality time, he was going to errupt.

  
Crushes sucked. He wasn't sure what the big deal about it was supposed to be. Maybe they were better if they were requited.  
He harrumphed in his most mature manner, his scarf billowing behind him as he stormed through the heavy snow, his combat boots making deep footprints behind him for Jen to follow in. They were supposed to be on a date or whatever, but they were really just walking aimlessly through the cold. Whatever. It isn't as if she's really expecting romance from him.  
It's not like Marlene's evil or anything. She's Gryffindor, so he's sure she's a decent enough girl, but she was really getting on his nerves. What right does she have to just steal Moony away? Their Moony?

  
_She's his girlfriend,_  he thought bitterly.  _That's how it always is. If James had Lily, he'd ditch me as well I bet._  
His frown deepened, hands clenching unintentionally. Was that what was going to happen to them? They were just going to fall in love one by one, and forget about what really matters? Pranks and kickass friendship?  
Though I'm just as bad. I've gone and fallen in love, as well, and I haven't really pranked since. This really is how it works, isn't it? Growing up?  
  
"Stop thinking, Sirius. It's ruining your looks." Jennifer piped up from his side, now. She grabbed onto his shoulder hastily. They both stopped in their tracks in the middle of a pathway, surrounded by trees and pointed rocks. Sirius stared at her blankly for a few seconds.

  
"...I'm not doing it on a rockpile, if that's what you're thinking." He states, suspicious.  
  
"What? No! I think we should break this off."  
  
"What?" He hadn't expected that. "Why?"  
  
"I'm not going to be a sufficient replacement forever, Sirius." She deadpanned. "I don't want to get attached to you only for it to end with you shagging with any guy in the school who reminds you of Remus."  
  
"That---"  
  
"Will happen. It's how you work, Sirius, I'm not stupid."  
  
  
"You wouldn't have been a 'sufficient replacement' if you were," he grumbled, resignedly. He supposed he saw it coming, and he couldn't really bring himself to be upset over it. It wasn't as if he'd ever really thought they were going to last. "Why'd you even go along? You knew."  
  
"I wanted to give you a push in the right direction at first." She explained, wringing her hands. "But you're not a half-bad shag, and it was never the right time to end it afterwards."  
  
"Not a half-bad shag, eh?" He chuckled. "That's great. Have a nice life, Jen."  
"And don't lie to yourself. It barely would've taken any convincing for you to do it on a rockpile."  
  
"That's true." He nods. "I'd at least like to pretend that I'd put up a fight, though."  
  
"Pretend all you want, Sirius." She chuckles, shaking her head. "Pretend all you want."  
  
The wind whipped around them, picking up as they trudged back to the castle. They parted as friends.  
  
* * *  
  
  
"Oh, beautiful day, lads! Happy, happy, beautiful day!"  
  
James burst into the dormroom with a loud shout, his face a picture of absolute joy; cheeks glowing rosy and a bright smile on his face. This gesture earned more than a few dirty looks from other occupants who quickly exited, visibly irritated. No wonder they usually seem to be alone.  
  
"Oh?" Peter wonders. "Why's that?" He was sat on his bed beside Remus', with books piled on the mattress on the opposite side of him. He had papers and quills and a precariously balanced ink bottle placed on his notebook. He looked grateful for any sort of distraction at all, quickly discarding the paper he'd been working on.  
  
"Mistletoe's started cropping up, today." He announces as if it were gospel, smile widening to the point it looked physically painful. He spreads his arms before hugging himself, squirming with excitement. "Isn't it the greatest?"  
  
Sirius wasn't surprised at the news. The dormroom looked like a giftcard from a Muggle shop, covered in tinsel and ornaments, glitter and lights, with room-temperature snowflakes trinkling down from the ceiling, dissolving into nothingness before they hit the floor.  
Sirius is sprawled out across Remus' stomach on his bed, his friend too enthralled with a book to realize Sirius' heart was beating faster than it should be.  
  
"Yeah. Of course it has. What'dya think Remus was doing all last night?" Sirius asks. It was the Prefects' job to supervise decorating, make sure Mistletoe wasn't put in inappropriate places, make sure there was enough garland. Boring work.  "What's the big deal, Prongs? Planning something unethical?" He winks, not that James could see.  
  
"So? So?! You've changed, Pads. So they're from Zonkos, and last year, Evans and I got stuck under two! Two, Sirius! That probably only happens with true love!" He sighs dreamily, head so far in the clouds he'll be spitting out feathers for weeks.  
  
  
"You're definitely off your trolley." Sirius laughs, chucking one of Remus' pillows at the boy, who barely manages to dodge it in time.  
  
"Remus! Sirius is beating me up with your pillows. Stop him!" James whines, picking up the pillow and throwing it back at Sirius, who throws it at him again, this time hitting him square in the face.  
  
"He doesn't care, he loves me more."  
  
"Oh yeah? Well, by the looks of things lately,  you've been downgraded to second place." James smirks. Sirius glares pointedly. That was a low blow.  
  
"Yeah? Well, I hope you end up trapped under a mistletoe with Snivellus." Sirius declared.  
  
"You take that back, Black!" He gasped.  
  
  
"Never! I hope that when you two are making out, a piece of his greasy hair gets in your mouth."  
  
  
James tackles Sirius, unintentionally squishing Remus in the process. Apparently he hadn't taken into account that he was still sprawled across the taller boy. The sudden presence of James Potter above him is more than enough to knock him from his book, and he looks up with lost curiousity.  
  
"Hm? What's going on?" He looks around the room, "Oh. Marlene." All four boys look to the entrance to the dormitory, where Marlene stood, waiting patiently for a chance to interrupt them all, incredibly rudely. She was dressed in her regular robes, her long hair pulled into a tight ponytail. She looked chipper as usual, and Sirius felt his mood worsen immediately.  
  
Sirius shoves James off him harshly.  
James actually likes Marlene, so he was excited to see her. But it was probably only because James has no reason to really care who Remus dates.  
"Hey, Remus. Can we talk?"  
  
"Of course." He nods, although realizing that Sirius is still stubbornly on his lap. "Ah, in a minute, if that's okay?"  
  
She nods, grinning. "That's fine. I'll just wait...over there." She adds, awkwardly excusing herself to the corner of the room.  
  
The beds are large, and heavy, spaced close enough together that you could carry on a full conversation with the bed closest to you without straining your voice,  and before Remus could say anything, Sirius practically launches himself off it, blocking the exit from the two with as much firmness as he could muster. He knew if Remus wanted to, he could easily overpower him, or just go around through the other bed, but knowing him he wouldn't even try.  
"Wait, Moony."  
  
  
"Mm?" He inquires, looking over Sirius' head in the direction of his girlfriend. Ugh.  
  
"This has to stop, Remus. You're putting this thing---,"  
  
"By this 'thing'," Remus interjects, a wry smile playing at his features, "you wouldn't happen to mean my girlfriend, would you?"  
"In front of your brothers in arms! You have to explain to her that you have friends that you still need to spend time with. You can't just blow us off all the time."  
  
"I'm not blowing anyone off, Sirius." He replies snippily. "I'm spending time with my girlfriend. You might do the same."  
  
"What?" He blurts, confused,--spend time with Remus' girlfriend? Why would he want to do that?,---before he remembers, "Oh, right. Jen and I broke it off. I suppose I should've mentioned that at some point.  Anyway, the point is---,"  
  
  
"Wait. You had your first real breakup and didn't even mention it?" James cuts in, disbelief etched on his face. "Why didn't you tell us? Wait, why did you break up?" His voice sounded more suspicious now.   
  
"Nevermind that. Stop changing the subject."  
  
  
"Uh, Sirius?" Peter interrupts, voice wavering. "You...uh,"  
  
  
"What, Wormy?"  
  
  
"There's kind of...um... well, there's---,"  
  
  
But Remus was already looking at it. Sirius felt a ball drop to the pit of his stomach as he realized what it was, whipping his arm back as if allowing Remus to leave now. If only it were that easy. Of course this would happen now, with his girlfriend in the back, in the middle of an argument.  
  
"Damn." Sirius cursed. "Maybe it's a gimmick." He said, hopefully. He attempted to walk forward before realizing his legs and feet were frozen in place by an invisible force. Nope. Definitely not a gimmick.  
  
Remus looked even paler than usual, and Sirius wasn't sure what to say to him, because it's not supposed to mean anything, even though it obviously will. Stupid rumours... stupid crushes. Stupid blasted plants. Plants shouldn't have this kind of power.  
"...Want me to distract Marlene?" James piped up finally.  
  
"No, it's fine. It's just a gag." Remus said at last. "It's not as if there's any choice. She won't mind." He sounded like he was convincing himself, mustering up the courage to do it.  
  
Sirius cursed his luck.  
  
"Any time now, boys!" Marlene called out.  
  
Sirius really, _really_ cursed his luck.  
  
"I guess we ought to get on with it, then." Sirius muttered, spurring himself into action before he could change his mind. He grabbed Remus' chin, pressing his lips quickly to the other boy's, pulling away before Remus even knew he'd been there. He looked up at the mistletoe cruelly, once again unable to walk.  
  
"What do you want, you blasted plant?" Sirius inquired to no one. "I am angry! The act of feeling the emotion that is anger! I don't want to kiss him. We're arguing!"  
  
The plant didn't say anything in response. Sirius glowered.  
  
"I'm not arguing. " Remus says, and Sirius' eyes flash to him just in time to see him placing his hands on his shoulders. His hands soon end up in Sirius' hair, his mouth moving against his in effort to appease the stubborn plant. Sirius let out a gasp in surprise, and he could've sworn he felt Remus' tongue trace his lower lip. Remus had long fingers, and they were cold against his skull, tugging in his hair. He hadn't realized his lips were moving against his will with Remus' rythym until he pulled back.  
  
"I will talk to her. You're right, I should learn to balance the two relationships better." He admits.  
  
"...Great." Sirius nods, breathless. "Now move before that plant gets anymore ideas."  
  
  
"Sirius, mistletoe isn't vengeful."  
  
  
"You don't know that."  
  
  
"I am fairly certain."  
  
Marlene elbows Remus, smirking. The two of them walk out of the dormitory, and Sirius' heart feels like it plummets from a thousand miles an hour.

 

Kissing Moony was everything Sirius had thought it would be and more, because it was also... weird. It was like he was holding back. Then again, it was just for the mistletoe, so why bother make it real? Sirius was pissed at himself. He'd acted on autopilot, too caught up in his own head to participate. He berated himself for wasting the only chance he'd ever have for the rest of the night and kept a wide birth from all mistletoe. He was sure it hadn't been there before.. Maybe a ghost did something? Peeves, maybe?

 

Remus leaves him a note later that day. It reads:

 

_Sirius,_

 

_I'm incredibly sorry about the incident from earlier. It's the job of Prefects to supervise placement of mistletoe specifically so incidents like this didn't happen, but it appears one of the other Prefects, or rather, their friends (whose house and name shall remain nameless) thought it would be funny to play a practical joke on me. I am sorry you were brought in on it. Marlene wants you to know she isn't mad at you, either._

 

_My sincerest apologies I couldn't tell you this in person._

 

_Remus_

 

 _Why couldn't you?_ He can't help but think, touching his lips absently. Can you miss someone you see every day? Can you miss parts of the past? Can you miss not knowing things? Sirius does.

  
* * *

All students unofficially learn the works of silencing charms their first year at Hogwarts. It was sort of a rite of passage, the older students passing it on to the younger. It was required knowledge. Everyone had a need for silence sometimes. Studying, alone time, homesickness. Among them was the imperturbable charm, which came in handy moreso. It was especially good if you wanted no one to be able to bother you at all, because it sealed off your bed completely. No one could even approach it. It was also, obviously, a good spell to use it you were up to...other things. The only thing was that you'd have to take it off. The spell was Sirius' favourite.

He admitted it to himself in short bursts of midnights. Sometimes he knew, unsure at first, convinced in the quiet dark with a whispered name and fast movements he wished he could forget. With tawny-brown hair and memories of how those lips feel that he shouldn't have, and how his name can sound when it comes from them playing out behind his eyelids. With residue and sweat that he can clean off, but shame that he can't. And it's worse after; because it still felt good. Imagine if he could actually touch him.

  
But he wouldn't. Couldn't. It would pass eventually.

Sirius and Remus had pretty much agreed ignoring eachother was the best reaction to the scenario. Sirius has learned a lot of words from his literature, and he's taken to mumbling a lot of them bitterly about Remus. Luckily, James had started helping him out. If he was staring too long, or being too obvious, he'd hit him on the head or knee him or something relative and cast him an exasperated look that Sirius guessed said, 'Oi, stop ogling Moony before you ruin everything.' Sirius appreciated it.  
  
Sirius sighed, rolling over on Remus' bed. He lazed there a lot. He'd had too much free time on his hands lately. Most of it was spent in this damned bed, but only because it smelled like Moony, like chocolate, honey, and mint. Sirius wouldn't mind if he could never smell anything but this particular combination of scents, even if it did make his heart ache a bit.  
  
He wasn't usually so _generic._ Honestly, this whole "crush" thing was completely ruining his punk-rock vibe. He'd taken an interest in Muggle musicians, and he'd even gotten Remus to download every David Bowie song ever written onto this funny little music device he'd bought at a shop when he was thirteen, but he'd also gone and downloaded people like _Taylor Swift_ and _Beyonce,_ and a bunch of other people Sirius hadn't ever heard about. They all sung about love, or rather, their personal lack of which. There were also a lot of songs about dogs. He didn't hate them, but they definitely just wouldn't understand the punk rock aesthetic he was trying to put out. The worst part is he'd actually liked a few of their songs. Ugh. Crushes. They mess with you.

He'd started 'dating' another girl. Always girls, almost defiantly. Unfortunately she wasn't even second-best in comparison, so it took a lot for him to bother with her, much to her displeasure. He only really got with her to fill his free-time, but even that hadn't worked, because she had responsibilities. Boring.  
So he was stuck all alone, whilst James was surely pestering Lily and Remus was surely off with his pretty girlfriend, who was smart and beautiful and capable, and maybe even a little perfect for him. Maybe he was being a little absorbed, but it didn't seem fair.  
  
As much as Sirius wanted to touch Remus, he could at least take comfort that no one else was, either. He had to, because otherwise what would distract him from how pathetic it was to stay awake a bit too late picturing his friend completely unhinged? 

  
He sighed again, easing himself off Moony's bed, running a hand through his long dark hair. He sauntered off quickly from the wonderfully smelling bed, not acknowledging his friends as they waved to him in the common-room. He found himself heading towards the library, where his new girlfriend spent most of her time. What can he say? He had a type.  
He knew he wouldn't really feel her. That she wouldn't really be on his mind at all, and he wouldn't even enjoy it. He wondered if she knew, but then he realized he didn't care. Even if she did, he'd left her hanging for a couple weeks now. He's sure she'd just be happy with the attention.  
  
He was still technically a Black, after all. He was supposed to be selfish.  
  
*   
  
She did know, of course. She was a replacement for Remus fucking Lupin, how couldn't she know? That's fine, though. He'd lost his taste, anyway. Besides, there were plenty of fish in the sea. Most all of them were not Remus. Today just wasn't really a good day.  
  
He'd found a boy to replace him with within the week. His name was Leo, and he looked...a _little_ like Remus. Not as tall, and he was more muscular. Not as kind, or beautiful, but close enough. He'd heard people whispering in the halls. He thinks it's pretty obvious, but Remus never comments on it. Marlene and him seem fairly happy. Supposedly she's pretty into some sort of religion that says something about not having sex before marriage. Sounds like a load of rubbish to him. Celibacy? He can't fathom the idea. When you're dating Remus? Really? Your God won't forgive you? Tough bloke to please.  
  
He's not sure any sort of paradise could be worth that. Sirius thought celibacy was just for people with ugly boyfriends. Anyway, he's pretty sure she's shagged almost half as many boys as Sirius had, and not to judge or anything, but he thinks she's full of shit and just doesn't want Remus to know that she wants sex because now she knows he doesn't.  
  
He'd jokingly stolen one of his old cardigans. It was a light tan colour, and very soft, and it smelled like him, and Remus let him keep it because he didn't wear them much, anymore. Sometimes Remus smiles at him in a certain way when he wears it, though. He just made a remark about the colour on him that Sirius didn't really hear because he was too distracted staring at his lips. James doesn't approve of his new shag, but no one does, really.  
  
Things are pretty normal until Sirius puts the silencing charms up each night. He's careful and tedious, and quiet, just to be sure.  
  
He mumbles his name under his breath like it's a prayer. It kind of is. Desperate, quiet, unheard.  
  
* * *  
  
"Blimey, Padfoot. How can you possibly still sit?" James asks one night, not too discretely at dinner. "I reckon all that shagging must hurt quite a bit."  
  
"You automatically assume I'm receiving, do ya Prongsie?" Sirius charmed, smirking. James pretended to gag on his apple --- someone had suggested Lily liked healthy men who ate lots of fruits and vegetables, so of course --- goodheartedly rolling his eyes.  
  
"Well, yeah. You don't really take me as the giving type." He laughed, wiggling his eyebrows at his friend.  
  
"Usually aren't," he admitted, shrugging and trying ignore Remus beside him. They still weren't properly talking since the whole "mistletoe" incident. Sirius couldn't look him directly in the eye, and Remus seemed to feel the need to apologize every given chance.  "but he's not, either, despite all his talk. I can't be bothered to convince him. 'Sides, you want someone who knows what they're doing, yeah? Or at least competent enough to learn on the job, but Merlin--he still can't control his damn teeth."  
  
"Nice." James shook his head, smiling. "Now that I've heard too much---"  
  
"You asked, Prongs."  
  
"Oi! I did not."  
  
"Absolutely did!" Sirius insisted. He stood up on the seats, loudly declaring,"Everybody, I'd like to announce that James Potter continues to be fascinated with me. My sex life is a constant topic of interest for young Mr.Potter, in fact."  
  
"Sit down, Mr. Black." Professor McGonnagol flustered, and Sirius could've sworn he saw a few of the teachers chuckling at the head table. He smiled.  
  
"Yes, ma'am!"  
  
"Gross, Pad!"  
  
"What?" He pouted, sitting back down. "No shame in it, Prongsie-boy. How bad d'ya want me?"  
  
"Pfft, yeah right, Black. If I were gonna give up on Lily and go for a bloke, I'd choose one with less ego and more dick. Don't ya think so, Petey?" Peter just snorted.  
  
"I'm hurt, Prongs. Mostly that you know nothing of my dick. This is the kind of thing friends should know! Right, darling?" He asked, turning towards Moony instinctively, who was, to Sirius's irritation; reading at the table.  
  
"I don't pretend to have a vast knowledge of dicks, Sirius," He answered without looking up, "and I am not certain I'd start with Potter's, either."  
  
"Well, obviously." Sirius rolled his eyes. He tried not to look as relieved as he felt. Remus was speaking to him! Well, sort of. On the same standards they have been... It can't be as bad as that time Remus caught him shagging that bloke in the broom cupboard and they gave eachother the silent treatment, can it? "Start with mine, then move on. Obviously."  
  
"Oh?" Remus tilted his head. "Ah, but then how will the others ever stand a chance?"  
  
Rather than sputtering like he felt, he winked. "Well there you have it, darling Moony. All you need is mine."  
  
Remus smiled, shaking his head as he flipped the page to his book. When he tore his eyes from his best friend, he looked over to James, who was looking at him with something Sirius thought could be pity. He swallowed uncomfortably.  
  
"Hey! R-Remus, hi."  
  
Sirius, Remus, Peter and James all turned their attention to a tall woman with dark brown hair whose outfit surely gave them all whiplash. Her makeup was sublte and complementive, and she was wearing black nailpolish, with dark jeans, combat boots, a chain belt, with fingerless gloves and a white shirt. Even her tie was undone. She looked like Sirius, just with breasts. He raised an eyebrow at her. She tried hard not to look at him. When she did, she looked a bit scared. She had giant sunglasses in her hair.

  
Geez, girl. If you're going to steal the look, at least have some of the attitude. He didn't dress like that all the time, of course. He changed it up very often. She was clearly adapting one of his more hardcore looks. Not even convincingly... A complete scandal.  
  
"My name is Miranda."  
  
"Hello, Miranda." Remus greeted, confusion in his voice. "What brings you here?"  
  
"I, er, heard you were on the market?"  
  
"You did, now?"  
  
"Yeah, well--- I mean, you and Sirius had that fight, right? It was in the school paper and everything. In the gossip column. Something about Sirius c-cheating?" She rambled, looking at Sirius again, this time with anger.  
  
"I'd never cheat on my Moony." He declared theatrically, attempting to sound normal. He had a strange desire to hit her. "Check your facts."  
  
"Er, oh. Um--sorry Sirius." She apologized. "Um, so Remus---"

  
"Yes?"  
  
"Would you maybe....want to go with me? Out, I mean. Like, a date? Sometime?"  
  
"That depends," Remus tilted his head. The girl's eyes widened, and she looked as though she was about to speak before, "Are you dressed like Sirius intentionally?"  
  
He noticed then.  
  
"I--- I, um, I thought that's... what you liked?"  
  
"That... sounds like a soundproof theory," He said quietly. "That's how Sirius dresses, so why not? Correct? However, there is also the idea of me," he paused, stuttering slightly, "theoretically liking Sirius for something else. Or even liking what he wore because it was how he expressed himself. How do you express yourself, Miranda?"  
  
Miranda didn't have anything to say, and she looked like she was going to cry. Remus sighed.  
  
"I do appreciate your guts, Miranda." He smiled sweetly. Sirius saw her melt a little bit, becoming less tense. Why did he always have to be so nice? It was so unnecessary. "But you of course know you should never try to win someone over by being anyone but yourself. And I am actually in a relationship right now."  
  
"Oh." She cleared her throat, "Sorry, Sirius. I'm really--- shit, I had no idea---"  
  
"Don't be, darling." Sirius bit out, swallowing. "It's not me."  
  
"I ... yeah, I know, it's just...I was really wrong about you." She told him, already walking away.  
  
"No more stealing my look, alright kid!" He calls after her uselessly.  
  
"Blimey, that was awkward." James piped up, after a while. Remus and Sirius turned back to their friends, silently agreeing. "Next we're gonna be having to protect our Moony from love potion. Better keep an eye on you, eh?"  
  
Remus chuckled, shaking his head. "I'm sure."  
  
"Awkward?" Sirius asked, mouth gaping, "She tried to steal my identity!"

"No one can steal your identity, Sirius." Remus sighed. "Especially if they're trying to do it by replicating your wardrobe. It's an impossible feat."

"I know, but still! She's lucky she left the nails alone, I'd'ave hexed her."  
  
"I don't get your obsession with your nails. You're worse than Marlene on that front." James muttered, biting into a chicken wing.  
  
"Marlene's nails are boring. Like her soul." Sirius shot back. "No offense, mate." He adds, turning towards Remus, who sighs.  
  
"None taken, I suppose."  
  
"Your obsession with your nails is what started the rumour, I heard."  
  
"Details, Wormy!"  
  
"Hold on," Remus cut in, "how would nails start a rumour?"  
  
  
"Oh." Sirius grumbled, blush rising to his cheeks. "They think they're some sort of weird love confession. Seems a bit convoluted, doesn't it? Wouldn't I just tell you?" Though clearly he wouldn't.

Not that he's in love.  
  
"I don't reckon you would, actually. Words are boring. You're not. You'd find some other way, I'm sure, and it'd go wrong." Remus thought about it for a second. "Very wrong. Terribly wrong."  
  
"Have you no faith?"  
  
  
"None. Although...nails? That would be quite lame."  
  
  
"You're quite lame."  
  
  
"Mm."  
  
  
Sirius's stomach clenched unpleasantly. It's probably nothing. At least they're talking again, right? He melts back into the conversation at the table, looking back to Moony every now and then and including him in the conversation just enough to assure that they're back to normal.  And they are.  
  
* * *  
  
He comes here to mope sometimes.  
  
The land is wide, covered in trees and jagged to the touch, with a steep drop into a cavernous pit full to the brim of pointed spikes, gemstones and freezing water so clear and pure that you barely know it's there. He's sure that if he fell he'd never be found, not until he was just bones, blending in with the scenery, another untouchable rock in the boiling cold lake below.  
"Y'know, this place doesn't look too safe, Pads." James observed, arms crossed, leaning up against one of the trees. "You couldn't have chosen a quiet beach? A lakehouse?"  
  
"Lakehouses have no personality, Prongs. Pay attention." Sirius chuckles, eyes on the ground, kicking lightly at the sharp ground. He's not surprised James followed him here. It's not even that hard to find, really, if you're looking where you're not supposed to be. And he probably had the map.  
"You should've brought a blanket with you, or something. So you could sit. You're going to get your arse poked off," James continued, "and not even in the way you like."  
  
"I don't quite think you understand how two blokes actually shag."  
  
"I barely understand how a bloke and a bird shag, and I've done it." James shrugs. "Don't take it personal."  
  
"Since when are you so mother-hen, James Potter?"  
  
  
"Since when are you such a whiny pisspot?"  
  
  
"Pisspot? That's a bit uncalled for."  
  
"You haven't contributed anything to the Marauders ever since this whole," he flailed his arms, "thing, about Remus. You need to learn balance."  
  
  
"At least you can talk about Lily." Sirius countered. "Imagine you couldn't? Imagine you actually had something to lose?"  
  
"Sirius, I'm here if you need to talk. About anything. This included." He insisted, pushing himself off the tree. "I'm the one who told you not to tell him. I can help." He shrugged, crossing his arms defiantly.  
  
  
"You really want to hear about my feelings, Prongs?" He laughs incredulously, forcefully distancing himself from the pit in case the desire to drown himself in shame should approach.  
  
"Well, now that I've learned you have them."  
  
  
"Git."  
  
  
"Right, so. Let's talk."  
  
  
"...Now?" Sirius frowns.  
  
"Well, yeah. You obviously need to, or you wouldn't be here."  
  
  
"Wh--how? About what?"  
  
  
"I don't know," James started, scratching his messy hair as if it'd give him ideas, "er...What is it you like about--- actually, you've already told me that. Hm... Uh, how are you feeling?" He tried.  
  
  
"There is no way I can do this." Sirius groans. "Nope. I'm fucked. I'm going to be an angst-filled old man at the age of 19."  
  
  
"Well, yeah, probably. But that would've happened even without this."  
  
"You're no help at all." He scowls. James laughs.  
  
  
"I know. This is a lot harder than I thought. How do the Muggles do it?"  
  
  
"The threat of lawsuit, I reckon." Sirius sighed. "And I'm pretty sure you're not actually supposed to know your clients."  
  
  
"Huh. Muggle Pro, here. Someone call Mrs.Burbage."  
  
  
"Prongs."  
  
  
"You know what I've heard will help, though?"  
  
  
"What's that?"  
  
  
"Muggle movies and food that's horribly bad for us." James exclaimed, slinging an arm around Sirius' shoulder excitedly, gesturing to the open air as if it they were already participating in these activities.  
  
  
"I can probably manage that."  
  
  
"Great. That should be less horrific. Let's go, then. Remus isn't at the dorm, so now's as good a time as ever."  
  
  
"Where you gonna find a muggle movie?"  
  
  
"I'll ask Lily. And if that doesn't work, maybe someone else will have one."  
  
"Mhm. This was all a ploy to talk to Evans, hm?" Sirius teased, elbowing his friend accusingly, who blushed. "Go for it. Just... go in, be nice,  and don't flirt with her."  
  
"Huh?" James started, shocked. "Did... you just give me tips? Sirius Black? What are you playing at?"  
  
"Friendships better than nothing." Sirius shrugged.  
  
  
* * *  
  
Sirius was conflicted. He wasn't sure he was quite able to experiencing the full grunt of the therapeutic effects that is high sugar content, bad acting and spontaneous sex scenes whilst sitting in a darkened room, clitching some melting ice-cream with a confused expression as James and Lily lean on eachother on the other end of the sofa.  
  
He was focusing more on them than on the screen at this point, even though they weren't really doing anything incriminating. Lily was explaining Muggle terms, and James was providing witty commentary, and he's sure they weren't actually meaning to sit that close to eachother, but he supposes it's something to do with subconscious over conscious.  
  
They were initially going to watch the movies alone, of course, and James had even went so far as to refuse Lily's offer to lend the DVDs to them with the condition she could watch them with them. Then she rolled her eyes and told them she was joking, and that she'd use magic to fix anything they broke, anyway, so to go ahead, and they could borrow her computer if they wanted.  
  
But they couldn't get the funny thing to work.  
  
"I don't get it," James spoke up at the movie. "If he loves him so much, why does he keep sleeping with all those other blokes?"  
  
"Because, Potter!" Lily hissed. "Expect a _boy_ not to know. Look, see? Sex doesn't actually mean anything to him, see? Look how dead he looks. He's just filling space." She explained. "He can't tell him how he feels because he's afraid it'll ruin their friendship. So instead he just bides his time with meaningless shagging." She coughs. "It's my favourite."

  
"Yeah, well... He should learn to knit, or something." James muttered, face flushed. "Honestly, how's a bird supposed to know?"  
  
Sirius stared at the screen blankly, brows furrowed in confusion. He was pretty sure he hadn't gotten any of that from the plot. Then again, it is in french... How's he supposed to know?  
  
* * *  
"Knitting?" Sirius asked, his face a mixture of disbelief and terror.  
 James had apparently told Peter that he'd been stressing out over school lately, which was the worst lie he'd ever heard. Sirius never stressed about school. Peter, being so experienced with anxiety, was actually trying to help him.  
  
"Yes. Knitting!" Peter smiles, handing the taller boy a ball of yellow yarn. "It gives your hands something to do. Not to mention, once you get the hang of it, it's always a great gift! No one can say they don't like it, because you put effort into it." His eyes twinkled with mischief.  
  
"No offense Wormy," Sirius started, fingers tangling in the ball of yarn already, twisting it in his hands, "but I don't think knitting is for me. I'm all left paws."  
  
"That's fine! There's also sewing, but it's harder to teach and someone always ends up getting stabbed----," Always?  
  
"Knitting it is, then."  
  
"Oh, lovely."  
  
  
Peter wasn't actually half-bad a teacher, even though he'd repeat steps and words and say things in the wrong order, and create a large mess on both of their behalfs. Sirius wouldn't say he exactly liked knitting, but he was  getting the hang of it. He would admit he wasn't sure that he was really making anything but misshapen yarn.  
  
"You're doing wonderfully!" Peter praised. "You caught on quite fast. It's very impressive."  
  
"Thanks." Sirius smiled, proud. He realized it was probably a lame accomplishment, but it made him happy anyway. He thinks he might make someone something, one day, but he's not sure who.  
  
"If you'd like, I could teach you how to actually make a scarf or something, now.  It'll be easy, I'm sure."  
  
It wasn't easy per say, but it wasn't hard either. Peter did the first twelve rows in purple, giving Sirius a clear example of what needed to be done, and he was determined to get it right. After the yarn was cut, he started the second set in red. It went by quicker than he thought, and he only fumbled once. Ater that, he added several more colours, knitting for much longer than he'd anticipated. Green was next, and then yellow, pink, some weird blue-green colour and some more purple to finish. It was just long enough, and even though it looked like a wreck, Sirius actually liked it.  
  
"Wow. I can knit." Sirius smiled, twirling the scarf around his neck. He hadn't figured it'd be done this quickly.  
  
"See? It's a great habit to have. If you're ever feeling stressed, or down, you can always knit with me. Mother's always sending me yarn, I've got loads to spare."  
  
  
"Thanks, Wormtail." Sirius grinned, genuinely. "I might actually take you up on that."  
  
Sirius Black likes to knit. Who knew?  
  
"Next time, I'll teach you how to make a hat."  
  
  
"Wicked!" He exclaims. "I'm going to charm it to say cuss words!" He adds, still as excited, earning a laugh from Peter. He pulled Peter up, slinging an arm around his shoulder and explaining all the possibilities their new shared hobby of knitting held in the world of pranks, Peter suggesting some new ones every now and then. It was great, and he didn't even think about Remus at all during it. Wow. Knitting really works.  
* * *  
  
The positive side to this all was that he was spending a lot more time with James and Peter, and he realized that his friends were pretty awesome. It wasn't like he hadn't spent any time with them at all previously, it's just that most of it had been with Remus. Not being able to spend time with Remus had opened plenty of bonding opportunities he'd never even thought of prior, and even though neither of them knew every detail, though he still felt like his heart was going to burst every time he saw Remus and that he's pretty sure his boggart's just turned into Remus and him having to spend time together alone, it was fine.  
I mean, fine in the way that mass hysteria is fine. He actually did knit that hat, and he couldn't think of who to give it to so he'd given it to Lily. She'd scowled at it, and he's sure she removed the charm, but he'd actually seen her wear it a few times. They'll be close one day, he's sure. When she and James finally get together.

  
He really misses Remus, is one problem. He's not sure whether the other boy has even noticed his absence at all, since he's still got his girlfriend, his studies, his prefect duties and, well, other friends. Sirius has distractions, too. Not good enough ones. Missing Remus is like missing teeth, or hair, or nails. Not necessarily essential parts, but every now and then you run your tongue over that empty space, or look down at your hand, or a breeze blows, or less metaphorically- you just notice. He isn't used to going this long without spending time with him by choice.

Another is that he feels really guilty. He's ignoring remus, and if he's noticed, what does he think? Does he know Sirius is doing it on purpose? How would he feel? As long as Sirius doesn't think about it, it's fine. As long as Sirius doesn't think about anything, it's usually always fine. But he still felt kind of empty, because Moony knew him in ways the others didn't. He knew Moony in the ways the others didn't. He wanted it to be that way. He didn't want to turn into strangers. He wanted to sit in the chair beside the desk everyone's come to think of as belonging to him and chat with him. He didn't want things to happen to him and for him to hear about them weeks later. He had to push it down, because he was sworn to secrecy. Because somehow; this was better for them all. When he started thinking of this as a crime? He wasn't sure.

  
"That's it," James decides one day before heading off to Quidditch practice. He hit the knitting needles out of Sirius' hands. "You need to hang out with Moony. You two are both suffering with this separation."  
  
"James!" Sirius screeched. "You can't just stop in the middle of a row! It'll pull wrong."  
  
James looked at Sirius as if he'd just grown another head, and it belonged to an imp. And it only spoke Parseltongue. Sirius picked the needles up defensively.  
  
"You just ruined your mother's gift, you twat. It's an apron that can sense your presence and insists that you should do the housework instead." He grumbled, fingers working meticulously to attempt to salvage the article.  
  
"Charming." James shook his head. He crossed his arms, scowling. "Finish the row, or whatever, and then get off your ass and pay attention to your best friend. It's getting ridiculous."  
  
"What do you have against your Mum, James Potter?" He tried. 

  
"I'm confident you'll be able to finish it in time." He rolled his eyes.   
  
"Don't be so sure, Prongs. The world of knitting is unpredictable as ever." He insists, pretending to lose control of his yarn. "It's wild out there, I tell ya."  
  
  
"It's about to be wild in here if you don't knock this off." James threatened. Sirius stuck his tongue out at his friend, holding his knitting needles up higher, the apron now blocking his view.  
  
"Sirius isn't here right now. Please come back later."  
  
  
"Wow. Well. Excuse me, but I thought the whole point of not telling Moony was so that you didn't ruin your friendship with him."  
  
"You're the one who--," He started, frustrated. He let the sentence die where it left. He began again. "I just need some space."  
  
  
"So go to the Astronomy tower."  
  
"Very funny."  
  
  
"For how long?" James demanded. "How long do you need space?"  
  
"I don't know. Just--- you don't know what it's like." It isn't like he doesn't want to hang out with him. He's full of bad jokes and puns to tell the other boy, stories and anecdotes and observations that only Remus would appreciate, but... Yeah, no It was probably safer to just keep knitting.  
  
  
"So?" He deadpanned. "You don't know what it's like for your best friend to suddenly not want anything to do with you."  
  
  
Sirius opened his mouth to reply but snapped it shut almost immediately, looking away stubbornly. He let out a loud sigh, running his fingers up the knitting needles in thought. Finally he capitulated, tossing them aside gently. He could always use magic to fix just one area, right? Besides, little quirks made homemade gifts better. It wouldn't be the first or last time he'd disappointed a parental figure, anyway. 

   
"Fine." He sighed.  
  
  
"Good."  
  
  
*  
  
  
He found Remus in the library. He was sitting in a hideous old chair, consumed in a musty looking book. Before he could change his mind and run with his tail between his legs back to his knitting set, he trudged over to the awful chair, slinking his cold hands over Remus' eyes.  
  
"Guess who?"  
  
"Bathilda Bagshot?"  
  
  
"You'd like that, wouldn't you? You could massage her wrinkles, or what have you."  
  
"Sirius, show some ounce of respect for the dead, please." He could hear the smile in his voice as he chided him, his hands pulling Sirius' off his eyes. Sirius forced himself not to flinch, not yet used to the way his skin tingled at the contact. "Your temperature is worrying."  
  
"Your face is worrying." He countered maturely.  
  
"Mm. Was there something you wanted, or did you just get the sense I was reading and wish to put a stop to it?"  
  
"What is this? Communism? I need a reason to want to bother my best mate now?" Sirius gasped, putting his hand on his heart. It was beating way too fast for his liking. "COMMUNISM!"  
  
"Sirius, that isn't what communism means---,"  
  
  
"COMMUNIST!" Sirius shouted at the top of his lungs. Maybe he was overcompensating for how awkward he felt, just a bit. "I KNEW IT!"  
  
"Sirius!" Remus whispered harshly, looking around with panic. "Quiet. The librarian is very strict. You have to be on your best behaviour."  
  
  
  
"That's exactly what the Government wants. Those capitalist pigs."  
  
  
"You're just saying words now."  
  
  
"I know. It's truly horrible. You better shut me up." Sirius winked, sprawling himself over Remus' lap on the chair. It had a permeating scent of old people and toad eyes. He wrinkled his nose. How'd Remus stand this? He liked this place?

  
"Boys!" The librarian hissed, marching over to them with a stern look on her triangular face. "No roughhousing on the furniture."  
  
"Oh, don't worry, ma'am. No roughhousing! Just snogging. Not rough at all, he's very gentle, actually. Say, is it alright if we shag behind those bookcases over there?"  
  
"I beg your pardon?" She squeaked, her rough voice piercing their ears.  
  
"He's joking, madam. We obviously wouldn't dream to engage in any extracurricular activities in your library." His voice was calm and relaxing. The librarian stopped for a moment, made a few noises of what Sirius guessed was sexual frustration, grumbled something inaudibly and stomped off.

  
"What was that?" He hissed. "Are you trying to get me banned from the Library?"  
  
"Oh, please. She'd like a show, the old hag." He waved it off, positioning his arms behind his head, probably elbowing Remus in the process. He crossed his legs just in case, maintaining a strong eye contact with what was exposed of Remus' collarbone. He hoped it didn't show on his face. "She's probably hoping we actually will so she can sneak a peak. Terribly illegal. She should be ashamed."  
  
"You really have no shame, Sirius Black." Remus sighed.  
  
"You're just now figuring that out?" He smiled, wiggling his eyebrows at his friend. "You should see me in the sack."  
  
"I doubt I'd be surprised."  
  
"Really? You're doubting I'm kinky?" Sirius gasps. "I'm insulted."  
  
"I'm doubting your kinks are anything I'd be surprised at." He counters in the same breath, collected as ever, quirking a perfect eyebrow at the boy in his lap.  
  
"Biting."  
  
Remus quirks an eyebrow. "Are we really doing this, Sirius?"

"How much intel you got, Moons?" Sirius wiggled his eyebrows. "Testeth thyself."

Remus rolls his eyes, but nods. "I already knew that one.

"Wh-- how?"

Remus rubbed the back of his neck. He looked flustered. It was a good look. 

"Deductive reasoning." _Your dates tend to wear scarves and turtlenecks afterwards. Except for some, who are bold enough to display any and all marks you've left. You never bother to cover yours, either. Which means it's a general fetish. Which means it's likely pertaining from your canine side._ Remus thought.  _It's likely most of them do._

Sirius narrowed his eyes. 

"Hair-pulling."  
  
Nods.   
  
"Scratching. My neck." Remus looked unimpressed.

  
"Next you're going to tell me that smell is also very important in the your attraction process. You're a dog, Sirius." Remus says, seriously. "This isn't news."  
  
"Blimey, you're hard to please," he huffed, blushing slightly, because he's got a point, smells are really important to him. He never really thought about it in terms with his animagi. "So? What are you into? Some freaky wolf shit?" He changed the subject.  
  
"I'm not obligated to disclose that information."  
  
"Shame. I haven't even told you--,"  
  
"I can already guess most of them, and they are not words that should be said in a place as sacred as the library."  
  
  
"Really, Moons?" He gawked. "The library is sacred now?"  
  
"It's always been sacred." Remus replies seamlessly. "Now, did you want to continue talking about what turns you on, or did you want to go somewhere?"  
  
"Either or." Sirius smirked. "Just wanted to spend time with you."  
  
He felt guilty at how shocked Remus looked at the words, because this was actually pretty easy, now that he thought about it. He was used to his heart's eccentric beating, and his hands were abnormally cold anyway, so who really cares if his palms get really hot? And with his complexion, it could sometimes be hard to tell if he was blushing or not.  He could deal with this.  
  
"Oh."  
  
He definitely couldn't deal with Moony doubting their friendship because he's been a coward.  
  
He sat up slowly so as not to jostle Remus too much, fingers playing absently with the frayed fabric of Remus' scarf. Their faces were so close that he could feel Remus' breath on his cheek, still focused on his scarf.  
  
"Hm. I should knit you a scarf." Sirius decided.  
  
"...What?"  
  
  
"I can knit." He explained. "I should knit you a scarf."  
  
  
"James told me you'd learned to cope with stress, but I'd figured he was joking." Remus remarks, shocked. "You don't have to do that."  
  
"I never said I had to. I've got the perfect design in mind, actually." He grinned.  
  
"Nothing perverted, Sirius. I won't walk around with a dick around my neck."  
  
  
"Promise." Sirius rolled his eyes, letting go of his friend's scarf at last.  "Although it's a bit complex. It might take a while."  
  
"I'll make sure not to hold my breath."  
  
"Good. Wanna steal the Cloak and sneak off to Hogsmeade?" He offered.  
  
  
"Aren't we getting to be a bit too tall to do that comfortably?"  
  
  
"Pfft, maybe you are, Gigantor. Do you have a thing for Prongs? Because you're about the size of a moose."  
  
"I don't think moose are inherently attracted to stags, Sirius."  
Not trusting himself with his face so close to Remus', he got up off his friend's lap, sitting on the armrest instead.  
  
  
"You'd be wrong."  
  
"I'm sure."  
  
"By the way, Moons." Sirius pipes, grabbing the older boy's wrist and lugging him off the rotten old chair, "I doubt you could guess them all."  
  
"Are we on this fetish topic again?"  
  
"I refuse to believe you're convinced all my kinks coincide with my canine counterpart."  
  
"Not  _all_  of them."  
  
  
* * *  
It was almost time to leave for Christmas holidays. The sign-up sheet had been submitted for people staying at the castle. Sirius was packing his things excitedly for James' house. It was always great, The Potters' house. Everything was clean, and he was treated like a person rather than an oddly opinionated imp. It was nice to feel like he had a family. His trunk packed and waiting at the end of his bed, he just set out of the dorm when James ran into him.

  
"Sirius!" He exclaimed, face damp. "Bad news."  
  
"Oh no." Sirius cursed. "We're still going, aren't we? I just packed--,"  
  
"What?" James asked. "Oh, yeah. Definitely. Mum'll kill me if we don't. She's been dying to see you... No, that's not it. Marlene and Moon broke up."  
  
"W---what? Where'd you hear that?" Sirius ran a hand through his hair. "Are you sure?"  
  
"Lily told me."  He replied, blushing. "Over lunch. "  
  
"Is he okay?"  
  
"Dunno. Haven't seen him." James grabbed Sirius' arms and pushed him backwards into the dorm. "I wonder who did it... They were getting along so well." James wondered aloud.  
  
Sirius wasn't listening, already across the room. He pulled open his trunk and flung out the Marauder's Map, looking for a particular name. He checked the usuals; the commonroom, the library, the Prefect bathroom. It appears he wasn't in the castle... hm... there it was.  
  
"He's by the lake." Sirius told him, locking his chest back up, map inside it. "Let's go."  
  
*   
  
They didn't find Remus in shambles. He wasn't sad, or crying. His face was not miserable at all except for that it ran so guilty. He was looking out at the lake, watching the Giant Squid with a sort of amused puzzlement. His features looked distracted, and like he'd done something very wrong.  
  
"I expect you've heard?" Remus said once they got close enough. He hadn't even looked up at them. They sat down on either side of him.  
"A bit." Said James. "Why don't you fill us in?"  
Moony sighed, leaning forward and wrapping his arms around his outstretched legs. "I broke it off with Marlene." He confessed. "She told me she's terrified of the Squid, so I figured it was safest here."  
  
"You're hiding?" James gawked.  
  
"I understand it's not a pleasant feeling to be broken up with, James." He replied drily. "If the Squid and I are both things she'd like to avoid, we can at least be in one place."  
  
"Why'd you do it?" Sirius chimed. "You two looked pretty cozy."  
  
"We'd been together quite a while and I still hadn't felt anything for her." He said simply, not looking at Sirius. "It's not fair to her."  
  
"You know," Sirius said after a few minutes, "...it might look like you're using the Squid to repel her so she can't vent her anger on you."  
  
Remus blinked a few times. "I hadn't thought of that. I quite like it here in any case." Remus admits. "The Squid's quite funny."  
  
*  
  
To distract Moony from his self-imposed restrictions and guilt, as well as to kick off the beginning of Christmas break, the boys agreed that they'd meet later to drown the current events in FireWhisky, Butterbeer, and as much as they could carry from Honeydukes. They found Peter's name on the map and promptly located him, who was knitting furiously away as he had forgotten to get his Aunt anything this year.  
The fifth boy in their dorm agreed to keep quiet for a Butterbeer, which they'd found pretty agreeable. He went to sleep pretty shortly afterwards after casting a silencing charm over his bed.  
  
So, Sirius is perhaps a bit intoxicated.The four of them are laughing, telling jokes at the top of their lungs and he's never seen Remus this drunk. Not to say that he'd never had anything alcoholic before, because he had. Not even to say that Remus was even necessarily drunk at all. It's just that he always drank carefully, and he happened to be worse off than he usually let himself be. He was still literate, and still functioning at higher capacity than the other boys -- James had had so much Firewhisky he'd started singing at one point. The three others watched carefully. When James got drunk he either got very emotional, or very sleepy. They were still waiting on which one it was. Peter eventually passed out.  
  
Remus and James were both laughing at something Sirius had said, Sirius leaning on Remus, who was supplying the three of them with Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans. James got dirty sock, almond, blackberry, beef casserole, bouillabaisse, and fish. Remus was calling the shots and was particularly perceptive when it came to what flavour it was.  
  
He'd given Sirius nine dog-food flavoured ones. They really weren't that bad.  
"If you get bored, write to me, would you?" Sirius told Remus. "Every day if you've got to. I'll be stuck with this one. Imagine how bored I'll be." He joked, giving James a noogie, who shouted, laughing at the same time.  
  
"Oh, yes." Assured Remus. "By the end of the Holidays you'll have enough letters to wallpaper a bedroom, surely. Not much to do where I grew up."  
  
"Two weeks of Potters." Sirius pondered happily.  Food...conversations he was allowed to partake in. People that liked him. Enough to invite him into their family. A room with a bed he was invied to call his own. He could hardly believe his luck. When he had been disowned over the Summer, it had only taken an owl before the Potters picked him up. "Are you looking forward to yours?"  
  
Remus nodded. "I'm glad I can, at last. It'll be nice to see my family again. And my dog."  
  
"I thought you weren't a dog person?" Sirius quirked an eyebrow.  
  
"There are exceptions." He winked. Sirius' heart fluttered unpleasantly.  
  
  
"I think I'm gonna go to sleep, guys. I'll see you boys on the train." James yawned. "Night! Don't make too much noise if you decide to shag it out." He laughed to himself. "Really though. Don't. I'm so tired."  
  
Sirius glared, but Remus didn't seem to notice. He just shook his head and smiled. They both told him to sleep well.  
  
Remus laid down on the floor, hands behind his head. He was smiling idly.  
  
"Lie down, Sirius. You look tired."  
  
Sirius did.  
  
"...Hey Moony?"  
  
"Hm?" He hummed.  
  
"Do you still like that other person? The secret one?"  
  
There was a pause, and Sirius could feel Remus tensing beside him. He cursed himself. Remus really didn't like them being brought up. He couldn't understand  _why_. As much as Sirius didn't want to hear about it, and as much as he  _did_ , why wouldn't Remus want someone to talk to about it?

  
"Sirius."  
  
"I'm just wondering."  
  
There was a sigh from beside him. "It... appears so, yes."  
  
"Hm." Sirius considered. "They must be pretty great." He tried not to sound bitter.  
  
To his surprise, Remus let out a guttural laugh from beside him.  
"I'm --betting you'd--  ah, think so." He managed through his guffaws. Sirius stared at him, confused. Had he missed some sort of joke? He waved it off, a smile on his face, wiping some tears from his eyes.     
"Do I know them?"  
"I don't keep track of who you know." He shrugged.  
"Have I seen them?" He prodded, "Do they go to Hogwarts? They do, right?"  
"Relax, Sirius." Moony calmed him. He sat up, eyes twinkling with concern. Sirius swallowed. "From now on, my time is dedicated to The Marauders and my Studies. I'm still working out what career path I want to pursue." He admits. "I don't want to string along any more people, even if anyone else does show interest."  
  
"Maybe you should confess, then." Sirius mumbled. "You'll never be able to move on if you don't. They could like you back."  
Remus looked at Sirius with an expression that changed from completely terrified to absolutely blank. "No, that wouldn't do. Unofficial rejection is plenty for me."  
Sirius rolled his eyes, standing up slowly. "Right." He shook his head. Once he was up he made his way across the room. He found was he was looking for pretty quickly, grabbing the oddly shaped bundle, promptly marching back to his friend. It wasn't wrapped spectacularly, and Sirius could only hope Remus liked them.  
"What's going on?" His friend asked.  
  
"Well, obviously I'm giving James his present on Christmas. I was gonna give it to you on the train, but I don't much fancy the idea, honestly." Sirius explains, handing Remus the bundle. "It's a bit silly. I'm going to pick you up something else while I'm at the Potter's."  
  
Eyeing him with caution, Moony unwrapped the present slowly. In it was a long piece of smooth, soft black fabric. Pulling it out to examine it, it was long and rectangular with shining white dots in certain patterns.  
  
"They're the Canis Major and Lupus constellations." He said offhandedly. "Er, which is to say, they're ours. Y'see, Canis Major is called the Sirius constellation. It's what I'm named after. All my siblings are named after constellations, so I didn't think anything of it. But then I found out that there's a constellation called Lupus, or Lupine, meaning wolf. There's also a book in there, and a smaller sort of guidebook on some popular constellations. I thought you'd like it."  
  
"Sirius," Remus breathed. "This is... really quite remarkable."  
  
"I don't know," Sirius flushed, "it's kind of lame. I just thought it was kind of interesting out we both had... similar constellations. Mine's the dog, yours is the wolf. They're not exact, but..."  
  
He put his hand on Sirus' shoulder. His stomach did a backflip. "Thank you, Sirius. I hope it wasn't too much trouble."  
  
"Knitting wasn't." Sirius shrugged. "Sneaking off to the Astronomy tower to study our constellations to get them exact was a bit tricky though. Definitely kept me busy." He admitted.  
  
Remus got up, carefully placing the scarf and books among his things and returning holding a few books.  
  
"Moony, I thought we agreed---,"  
  
"You agreed. I didn't." Moony wasn't nearly as well-off as the rest of them financially. They didn't care about it, but they also keep telling him not to buy anything for them.  
  
"They're only a few books, Sirius. And for the record, I paid for them myself with Muggle currency. I got a small job during the Summer. It's at a library. Completely my comfort level. I sort books and read to children."  
  
Sirius was getting curiouser by the second.  
  
"Mum and I wanted to find a few books that wouldn't bore you to death, but were fairly educational about Muggles, since you like them so much. She finds it amusing you want to study them. She'd like to meet you one day, if that's alright." He explained. "I've also got a couple...trinkets Mum thought you'd fancy." He muttered, splattering a few different objects in front of Sirius.  
  
One was a necklace. The chain was silver, and off it hung two half moons around a whole moon. Inside the whole moon were intricate designs.  
"It's a Wiccan symbol of protection." He's sure he's wrong, but Sirius could swear he could see a blush on Remus' pale cheeks. "In any case, I suppose it's neat. I figured it was ironic enough you'd like it, since Wiccans are Muggles who practice 'witchcraft.' At the very least it should go with some sort of outfit." He trails off, his eyes resting on the other object. It was a small, rubber toy duck. He groaned. "I'm honestly not sure what she wanted you to do with that. I'm sure she thought it'd be funny."  
"Wait- what does it do?" Sirius asked.  
  
"Er.." He paused. "It just... sort of floats in your bath water." He sounded quite awkward. "I know how interested you are in Muggle things."  
  
"I think it's brilliant." Sirius smiles. "Thanks, Moony."  Their eyes met for a while. They sat in silence, looking at eachother with their unadulterated affection, and Sirius didn't have to stop because Remus was doing it, too. For a split second it looked like Remus might have looked at his lips, but Sirius knew he'd imagined it when his friend spoke again.  
  
"...We should go to bed." Moony cleared his throat, wiping his cheek absently, looking away. The air had suddenly gotten a bit thicker.  
  
"...Yeah, you're probably right."  
  
"Goodnight, Sirius."  
  
"G'night, Moony."  
  
*  
  
"Both of you are terrible gift-givers." James teased, examining the two boys in front of him. "I suppose I shouldn't be expecting much?"  
The both of them were parading their gifts the next morning. Remus had Sirius' handmaid scarf on around his neck with his head in the larger book he'd given him, having already finished the other one. Sirius was only a few pages into one of the smaller books Remus gave him. He kept getting distracted, his mind racing with questions. He had brought a quill and ink to write down what he'd like to look up in the Potters' library. He had the Wiccan necklace around his neck. He'd found out that Wiccans are Muggles who practice Witchcraft. It's more religious than it is magical, with herbs and rocks and things. It gets a bit confusing to think about.  
  
"Fine then, Jamie." Sirius smirked, looking up from his book. "I suppose I'll just return what I'd gotten you."  
  
"If it's a bloody scarf."  
  
"Please," He scoffed. "I wouldn't waste a scarf on you. You're too cold already. It wouldn't help." He teased, his eye twinkling.  
  
Remus laughed. "I got you a book on The Toyohashi Tengu. They're a Japanese Quidditch team, very  famous. It really is quite the read. They used to burn their brooms after a defeat. Just the kind of reckless dedication I'm sure you encourage."  
  
James perked up. "Really? Toy..Toyohashu Tengi? I think I've heard about them..."  
  
"Toyohashi Tengu." He corrected. "They're mentioned briefly in Quidditch Through The Ages, but this book goes incredibly in depth. Very action-packed."  
"I'm here! I'm here! Don't leave without me!" Peter panted, wheeling his trunk behind him. He squeezed into the compartment beside James. James and Sirius stood, picking up Peter's trunk and ramming it in the overhead.    
"What'd I miss?"  
"Oi, Petey." Sirius exclaimed. "I got you this. It's a book of 9,000 knitting patterns and how to infuse magic into knitting to make it do things for you." He reached beside him, handing Peter a parcel.  
  
"Brilliant! Thanks, Sirius!" He exclaimed. "I tried to infuse my knitting once... terrible things happened..." He trailed off.  
"I told you Sirius can knit!" James pointed out. "You didn't believe me. Sirius Black, knit? You said! Ha! Now look at you."  
"Do forgive me for having doubts, James. I wouldn't have expected someone who can't focus on one thing for more than three minutes to be able to hold the same hobby as an eighty year old woman."  
  
"Hey!" Protested Sirius. "That's not fair. I can focus on some things."  
  
"Only if you really like it." James tilted his head in thought. "You get distracted too easily. Remember that time you were reading that Muggle comic? You kept ranting about how there weren't any blokes shagging."  
  
"Oh, you won't find any of that in Muggle literature, Sirius." Remus interrupted. "Not unless it's very specific erotica. You'll have better luck with Japanese comics, although the plots are often terrible. The sex as well. Completely ridiculous. Muggles have a prejudice against two people of the same biological sex liking eachother, so you'll only see it in obscure things or fetish art." He explained. Everyone was looking at him with shocked expressions.  
"What?" He asked.  
"Well firstly, I'm amazed Sirius was right." James admits. "And another thing is... You're... I mean, you read... I mean...?"  
  
"Pornography, you mean?" Remus deadpans. James blushes. "Remarkable you're so shy now when all three of us have seen your collection."  
The three of them started laughing, whereas James covered his face in embarrassment.  
"It's just---you don't really seem the type."  
  
"Ah, I suppose that's lucky of me." He laughs. "It would...surely be inconvenient to seem the type."  
  
"Good point."  
  
"Anyway, I don't use them like that. I told you, they're not much for it. As I said, the sex scenes are atrocious." Remus chuckles. "There's a lot of crying, and it's all very improper. It looks...quite dreadful. Completely illogical. I only read them for the plot, which is also very minimal, as I said before. Lily has quite the taste for them, though I've no idea why." He shook his head. "She usually recommends her favourites to me. You have quite a handful with that one. She seems to favour a fair bit of angst in her romantic endeavors. You best hope she's not living vicariously."  
  
James mouth dropped open. Peter and Sirius burst out into sporadic cackling that didn't die completely out for about an hour.  
"Lily reads erotica?" James groaned. "About blokes shagging? What'dya call it?"  
  
"Yaoi. Yah-oy." He pronounced.  
  
"Yaoi?" He repeted. "I really should've expected that from the movie we watched... Hold it, she's not gonna want me to do it, is she?"  
  
"No, no." Remus shook his head. "It's quite simple, James. If you're attracted to women, watching two women being intimate is sometimes enjoyable. It's the same if you're attracted to men or anyone else. It's just in this case she's reading about them falling in love. She reads similar with two women, I believe. She doesn't recommend those to me. The only thing you have to worry about is the fact that one of them almost always dies or falls into a horrible depression. There's always a lot of denial, in any case."  
  
"Denial?" He asked. "Dies? Horrible depression?"  
  
"You sure can pick them, James." Sirius guffawed. Peter laid a comforting hand on James' shoulder.

"Anyway... I'll send you your gift on Christmas, Peter. I left it over Summer, and neither of my parents could find it." Remus sighed. "I'm terribly sorry."

"It's fine, Remus." He mumbled, his face buried in his book. Remus chuckled at the image.

"Well, yeah, with how bloody messy you keep that place." Sirius rolled his eyes. "Very uncharacteristic."

 

"Excuse me for not anticipating visitors at dawn."

 

"You're forgiven." Sirius leaned on Remus. "Just this once."

 

"You..." He looked at him, and said nothing.

 

*  
  
Christmas Holidays went by too quickly. It sent a horrible pang in Sirius' chest to leave the Potters' house, because even though he loved Hogwarts, and he loved his friends, he would miss home. Holidays at the Potter house was always a bomb. They had an indoor pool that James and Sirius seized advantage of, and a liquor cabinet that Mr. Potter was fine with them having from as long as they did so in reasonable bouts and didn't go anywhere so he knew they were safe. Mrs. Potter had VIP access to some of the coolest places in Diagon Alley and the strong desire to come across as cool to James' friends. After what happened in Summer, he stopped being just 'James' friend,' he was 'son.' It stopped being 'The Potters' house,' although he kept calling it that-- it was _his_ house. He belonged here. They wanted him here. He was welcome here.   
  
What stood out most to him was when Sirius caught a cold, and so they did spent half of their two weeks balled up inside, having occasional heart to hearts and exploring the Potters' mansions as thoroughly as was possible under Mrs.Potters doting. She kept bringing him extra blankets and soup and checking his head. Sirius teased her that this must be how James got so spoiled, and she looked at him with a sort of bizarre curiousity. James later mentions that parents _usually_ do this sort of thing for their kids, and shrugged. She also looked kind of sad the next time that he saw her, and when Sirius asked why, James said it was probably because Sirius had thought soup and blankets were a big deal. But they had been.   
  
James had loved the Quidditch set Sirius got him, and Mrs.Potter loved the apron so much she'd cried a bit laughing. He hopes it was laughing. They all had a good laugh when the apron started shouting at James and Sirius to do the housework-- a quick alter he'd done to the design. James had given Sirius some pictures of Muggle girls in bikinis, quite a few of which were on motorcycles, as well as a few Gryffindor banners he'd nicked. Sirius had looked at him curiously, but James had just winked and said, "I figured your old room could use some decorating when you go in to get your stuff."   
  
  
Remus and Peter had each sent a letter to them on Christmas day.  
  
**DEAR SIRIUS AND JAMES,  
I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING A GREAT TIME. MY AUNT LIKED HER SCARF. I'M GLAD, BECAUSE SHE'S ALWAYS VERY HARD TO PLEASE AND I HAVE BLISTERS ON MY HANDS. I'VE EATEN A LOT OF TURKEY AND I'M QUITE TIRED. I CAN'T WAIT TO SHOW YOU WHAT I GOT. IT'S GETTING VERY BORING WITHOUT MAGIC. I'VE GONE THROUGH 12 KNITTING PATTERNS!!!  
\- PETER**  
  
_To James and Sirius,  
  
Happy Christmas. I hope neither of you have blown anything up. (This was not a suggestion, Sirius.)  
Please take care in making decisions. Lay off the Firewhisky. There's only a few days left of the holidays, please try not to cause any mortal injuries in what little time there is before they're over. I've had a blessfully uneventful holiday. My parents were quite happy to see me, and I think they're half in love with you at all with how little injury I've sustained this year. Don't eat too much turkey, James. We all know what it does to you.  
I'm sending a letter to Peter. I'm afraid he might use some magic if I don't talk him out of it.  
P.S. I'm almost afraid someone will come have to pry Halcyon off of me. Dogs are such a handful. You would think I'd know that by now.  
Remus  
_  
"Who's Halcyon?"  
  
"I'm guessing his dog." James had laughed. "You sound so jealous! Bloody hell. Get ahold of yourself. It's a dog!"  
  
"Yeah, yeah." Sirius had blushed. "...Why does he think I'm going to blow something up?"  
  
"A lover's intuition." He'd said, simply, and Sirius had chucked a pillow at his head.  
  
*  
The first week back at Hogwarts after the Holidays was packed. This was because he'd almost thought he'd gotten over it until he saw Remus on the train. Where it was true it wasn't as if he was feeling-free throughout the break, he hadn't been thinking as much about Remus. Coupled with how eventless everything had been, he'd figured it had all but passed.  
  
Apparently that wasn't how it worked.  
  
His heart hammered with a newfound passion. His breath caught in his throat and he felt like he couldn't breathe. It felt like gnomes were scrambling around in his stomach. It was back with a vengeance. Sirius only vaguely registered James elbowing him in the gut to get him to stop staring.  
  
The entire Year Six of Hufflepuff and Gryffindor were led into a large field by an elegant man with long hair. He had many pink, jangling bracelets hanging off of his arms and soft features. He taught Defense Against the Dark Arts. It was still winter, so he'd moved them to an area of the yard that's never cold for them to practice, consistently covered in green grass. Sirius shivered as they stepped into it.  
  
  
He stood quiet for a moment in front of the class, before giving a small smile, waving his wand and shouting, "Expecto Patronum!" In that instant, a large ray of silvery light burst from his wand, solidifying into the shape of a great creature. At first it was hard to distinguish, and no one could quite make out the features. The shape stretched before trotting towards the students leisurely. It had a long, lanky body and a strong face. Sirius recognized it as a panther.  
  
Then it disappeared.  
  
Everyone was completely enthralled.  
  
"That, class," Spoke the teacher, "was the Patronus Charm. An incredibly powerful spell. The Patronus Charm comes in two forms; corporeal and non-corporeal. That was the corporeal form. The corporeal form is hardest to do. Of course, you can also choose to do non-corporeal on purpose."  
  
"But sir," Nymphadora Tonks raised her hand, brows furrowed. "Why would someone want to do that?"  
  
"Well, you see, Nymphadora, the Patronus Charm is a very powerful piece of magic." He explained. "You have to focus very hard on a single thought, a very happy one, a memory. We don't quite understand why it is, but because of this, our Patronuses tend to mimic the shapes of our loved ones'. Everyone has secrets.  There is also people in battle who want to hide their nature, which is perhaps more worth it. If you have a less impressive animal as your Patronus, use it. People will underestimate you. But stronger animals, large beasts like tigers and lions and wolves, people will put in their all. Patronuses reflect you. Choose whether or not that's a good or bad thing.  
  
Now, before any more questions are asked. The Patronus Charm is our most powerful defense from two frightful beasts indeed. One of them you'll know off the bat; Dementors. If you should come across these outside of Azkaban, the only defense against them is this. There are also Lethifolds. We'll be going into depth on both of these creatures in the following lessons. Any questions?"  
  
  
Sirius raised his hand. Surprised that he was actually participating, the teacher called him.  
  
"I've got a few." He said. "Firstly, how do you disguise your Patronus? You can't possibly just think lesser happy thoughts, can you? Wouldn't that be dangerous? What if you don't find out your Patronus before you fall in love? Do you just never know? And, what if it's requited love? Who gets their Patronus first? Do they switch Patronuses? What decides which person changes Patronus?"  
  
The teacher seemed to stumble a bit.  
  
"You disguise your Patronus by thinking thoughts that aren't as happy, you were correct." He answers. "It's quite useless. It exposes you to risk. I suggest you choose your happiest memory. Of course, it's extremely advanced magic. Many of you will not be able to conjure a true Patronus Charm. As for your other questions, they are all unanswered."  
  
"So why bother teaching us?" Snapped a Gryffindor from the back. "You don't even know everything, and we probably can't even do it!"  
  
"It's important you know how to do these things, even if you can't actually do them. And some of you very likely will be able, and any is better than none." He responds. "No more outbursts like that, I might add, or I'll have to take five points from Gryffindor.  
  
Now, I'll demonstrate again. Everyone watch closely. You take your wand, and draw circles in the air with it. Whilst doing that, very clearly speak the incantation: Expecto Patronum. Nobody picture anything yet."  
  
There was a chorus of Expecto Patronum, and a lot of waving.  
  
"Good. Everyone space out a little bit more; just in case. I don't want anyone hit with any light, that's good-- Okay. Now, this time, while you do those steps, picture very clearly, in your mind, the happiest you've ever felt. It can be a birthday, a party of some sort, anything at all. It has to be strong. Let it be the only thing you can feel. It has to be strong." He cautioned again.  
  
Sirius frowned. He looked around at everyone's closed eyes, concentrating hard. Some silver sparks flew from Peter's wand. James didn't seem to be having much trouble, although he kept opening his eyes to laugh. He looked around for Remus, who looked a bit frightened. Sirius walked over to him.  
  
"What's wrong?" He whispered.  
  
"I'm...What if it's a wolf?" He breathed. "What if it's not? Patronuses are incredibly unique. No two are ever the same, even if they're the same animal. They reflect the personalities of their caster. It might..."  
  
"Then it'll be fine. We've all got one, don't we? Mine'll probably be some sort of dog," Sirius leads. "James'll definitely be a Stag."  
  
"Yes, but..."  
  
"It'll be fine." Sirius assured. "Peter's probably going to be a rat, but no one's going to go off assuming Peter's Mickey Mouse, are they?"  
  
"Hardly anyone else here would get that reference." Remus chuckled.  
  
"Boys!" The teacher called. "No flirting in class. Five points from Gryffindor."  
  
Sirius cringed, finding that a bit unfair. The one time they weren't even flirting. Sirius patted him on the shoulder, receiving a greatful look, before heading back to his original spot. He closed his eyes, drawing circles with his wand. He thought about his  memories. Everything from his family was obviously out. He hadn't had a single good time while he was with them that he can remember.

  
The first thought he had was when he met James, Remus and Peter on the bus. When he'd found his friends. He hadn't known it at the time, and he'd been nervous about the Sorting..but it might work... "Expecto Patronum." He said, firmly.  
  
He felt something happen.  
  
It wasn't something... strong. He didn't think it was corporeal. It was definitely something, though. He opened his eyes to see a lot of silver light before it quickly died out. He felt a lot of eyes on him, and then his teacher smiled.  
  
"That was non-corporeal. Excellent." He complimented. "Now, don't be discouraged if you can't conjure one. Many brilliant Witches and Wizards of history have struggled with this particular charm." He told the class. He stalked over to Sirius.  
  
"I would suggest you to focus more." He advised. "And make sure to take advantage of your memories."  
Sirius nodded, closing his eyes. He needed to focus... Think... Happy memories. When he'd gotten sorted into Gryffindor with James, Remus and Peter. He felt the memory wash over him, focusing. He could do this. Focus. Diving deeper into the memory as he repeated the movements.  
  
"Expecto Patronum!" He said, louder this time. A few other people in the room were watching him curiously.  
The light came stronger this time, like it had life. Sirius opened his eyes, focusing on the memory as much as he could. His breath caught in his throat when he saw it. It felt alive, like an extension on himself. From the tip of his wand emerged a large dog. No-- a wolf? No, it's a dog. He couldn't be sure. It was shaggy and playful, bounding over the heads of students who watched in amazement and amusement. Its tongue lolled out of its mouth, and it kept  pawing the air around peoples heads.  
  
"Look! A dog!" Someone exclaimed.  
  
"No, I think it's a wolf."  
  
"What is it, Sirius?" Someone asked. "It's your Patronus. You should know."  
  
"It's a dog." Sirius said, unsure himself and dropping his wand. "Bloody big one, at that." He felt tired all of a sudden.  
  
"Alright, alright!" His teacher called, a grin on his face. "Back to practicing, everyone. Brilliant work, Sirius. Have a rest. Ten points to Gryffindor for Sirius' excellent Patronus work."  
  
Five minutes later, James conjured his own corporeal Patronus, if only not to be outdone by his best friend. Remus was still looking rather terrified. He hadn't even said the incantation. Peter was trying very hard, but all he could manage were sparks. James and Sirius weren't the only students that had been able to do it so far. Nymphadora Tonks, a Hufflepuff, nearly tripped half the class with her jack-rabbit.  
"Your dog...?" James whispered to Sirius.  "Do you think...?"  
Sirius glared sideways at James. They were sitting on the grass, watching the rest of the class struggle to summon anything at all.  
"...We don't know what his is yet." James encouraged.  
"As if it could be anything but." Sirius snapped.  
The teacher walked over to Remus. They couldn't hear what words were exchanged, but Remus looked rather shaken. He nodded, and once the teacher had walked away, a resolute expression on his face, he closed his eyes. He started to twirl his wand, focusing. Incredibly; almost instantly a silver light shot out of his wand.  
  
And it was regal. Unlike Sirius', floundering around like it was looking for a bone, Remus' Patronus seemed to have authority, intelligence. It was a very tall wolf, and although its body mass was certainly not incredibly frightening, its eyes, although not really there, seemed to burn into yours. It bowed to the crowd. Remus dropped his wand instantly, scrambling to pick it up. Sirius wondered if he'd made the connection yet, but he just looked scared.  
  
"Well done, Remus!" His teacher applauded. "You can go sit with the rest of them. What a talented year we have!"  
  
Remus looked shaky as he sat beside them.  
  
"Did you guys see my Patronus?" James enthused, trying to distract them both. "It was so cool. I bet Evans was impressed."  
  
"Did you see mine?" Remus replied drily.  
  
"Why didn't you disguise it?"  
  
"Curiousity got the better of me." He admitted. "And...I've been thinking. I'd rather like to be a teacher one day."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yes." He confirmed. "In this school, preferably. I particularly like this class. I wouldn't want to get bad grades. It's stupid, I shouldn't have risked it. It's not as if it'll ever happen. No parent would want someone like me teaching their kid, it was---"  
  
"Hey!" Sirius interrupted, not wanting to hear it. "Shut up. That's my best friend you're talking about. And besides, maybe we'll be professors together."  
  
"...What?" Remus and James chorused.  
  
"Well, I've been thinking," Sirius explained, "and I could probably do with teaching Muggle Studies. Messing with kids of the future. That kind of thing." He shrugs. "If they'll let me, they'll definitely let you."  
  
"Are you serious?"  
Sirius smiled.  
"Don't."  
"Yeah, I am." He leaned back on his hands, slipping out of the warm area for a moment and shivering immediately. He sat back up. "But anyway, don't worry. No one's calling James 'Bambi.'"  
  
"What's Bambi?" James pouted. "Why would they call me that?"  
  
"It's a deer from a Muggle film. Where are you geting all these references from all of a sudden?"  
  
"Not important." Another few kids had joined them at the side of class.  
  
"Well done everyone!" The teacher called. "I think that's it for this time. Your homework is to read Chapters 14 and 15 on Dementors and Lethifolds. There will be a quiz."  
  
Some students groaned, others sighed.  
  
"A dog...or wolf, a wolf, a jack-rabbit, a cat, a tortoise, a frog, an elephant, a stag, a fox and a raven. I'm impressed."  
  
"Sirius' Patronus has got to be a wolf." Someone argued. "Remus' is, and people who love eachother have the same one. Right?"  
  
"Let it go, Roseby." Someone muttered in reply. "They've clearly broken up."  
  
"That doesn't mean they can't still love eachother...." 'Roseby' said in return, her voice a bit sadder.  
  
"Ah ah, not always." The teacher chuckled. "Not that I should contribute to your gossiping, but you can also simply have complementive Patronuses with a loved one, and it doesn't always happen. A dog could arguably complement a wolf, since they're in the same family. I don't believe in Patronus changes, myself, definitely wouldn't trade my panther for anything. Naturally competitiveness Patronuses show compatible people. No one should have to sacrifice their Patronus. Anyway, Patronuses can change due to platonic memory, or in honour of someone. Even due to death. It's not exact, you have to understand." He checked his watch suddenly, before adding, "Alright, everyone to your next class. I don't want to hear a single one of you was late." He waved them off.

  
"It's funny that rumour's somehow surpassed both of your relationships." James broke the silence, dragging Peter away from the field at last. He was very frustrated he hadn't been able to make a Patronus.  
  
"There are no heart and veins to a rumour." Remus said, simply. "It can't be killed."  
  
"What he said." Sirius rubbed the back of his neck. "Patronuses are such rubbish. 'It's not exact,' he says. Roughly translated into 'I haven't the foggiest.'"  
  
"It's true that Patronuses are shrouded in mystery." Remus nods. "Though there's always room for improvement. I certainly hope if I do become a teacher here I cater to an easier crowd than you, Sirius." He chuckles.  
  
"Good luck with that."  
  
*  
  
Over the next few months, they would take several quizzes on both Dementors and Lethifolds where they'd have to each try to conjure a Patronus in a live-action duel against what they were pretending were either of those things. They were given twelve-inch essays about each, but Sirius almost preferred the work-load in comparison to watching his Patronus leap joyfully everyone's heads around like an outright fool.  
Now that everyone knew that he could make a corporeal Patronus, he was expected to make one every time, or else be accused of hiding it. (Why are you hiding it, Sirius? We already know what it is. Is it because you're in love with Remus?) Sirius didn't think Patronuses made very much sense at all. Anyone could have the same animals by coincidence, that didn't mean they were in love. He didn't even have the same animal, probably. Just because it looked a bit wolfish...  
Remus had started to get quite weary. It was his "time of the month," so to speak, meaning the mood swings (moon swings) had started. Sirius tried not to get on his nerves too much, because he knew it was hard on him, and that he should probably be fairly cautious, but it didn't feel normal to skirt around him. He didn't want to get in the habit. Moony was sitting at a table scrawling furiously on a long scroll.  
  
  
"Moooonnnyyy." Sirius whined.  
  
"What?" He snapped.  
  
"I'm bored." He hopped on the chair beside the other boy. "It's so boring. James is always at Quidditch. Entertain me, Moony. C'mon, Moons. Moon-bear. Moooooony."  
  
"No, Sirius. Go bother Peter if you're bored." He replied snippily. "I've got four inches left of fifteen this essay about the illegalization of Amortentia in 2000. It's incredibly dull and depressing work, and I don't need you making it even harder to concentrate on."  
  
"Yeesh." Sirius rolled his eyes. "If you left it to this point it must be hitting you pretty hard. D'ya want help?"  
  
"You're offering to help me with History of Magic?" Remus gawked.  
  
"I want to help you feel better, but I can't really do that." He sighed, sitting in the chair beside him. "Getting you through dull work as fast as possible might help."  
  
Remus was quiet for a moment. "...Thank you." Pause, "Sorry. I'm just...I didn't get any sleep last night." He confessed. "Not that it's at all an excuse for treating you like that, but--"  
  
"It's not your fault." Sirius shushed him. "C'mon, Moony, I don't put any value into it when my nails are this full."  
  
"Even under the assumption it isn't my fault, it isn't yours either." His eyes were downcast.  
  
"Stop beating yourself up for it." He told him. "It's never mattered to us."  
  
There was a pause. "Alright." And another. "Thanks."  
  
"Right, then. Let's get this essay done. How many inches did you say were left?"  
  
"Just under four."  
  
"Probably because you write so bloody small."  
  
"It's not that small." He said, although he was studying it with a concerned expression. Sirius laughed.  
  
"It'll be fine. There's so much on the Amortentia case." Sirius leans back, grabbing Remus' textbook to read from. "I got it done in a few bursts. Well get through the basics, and then we'll find a few cases where it went really wrong. You'll have to redo it, paraphrase it a bit, of course..."  
He began to read,  
  
" _Side effects of being slipped a love potion vary on a person's capability to cope with the feeling, but always stick to the core basics, as they are meant to imitate a feeling of "real" love, but since the person doesn't know they've been slipped it, it turns into obsession._  
_Physical Reactions:_  
_Physical reactions of Amortentia include dilated pupils, increased heartbeat, a sickening feeling in the stomach, increased sweat or abnormal body heat including, but not limited to: flushing, blushing._  
_Emotional Reactions_  
_Emotional reactions vary much more. Most people report the sudden desire to need to look impressive in front of their person of desire, an intense or increased desire for physical or romantic contact, the inability to focus. They might feel extreme lust._

  
_Magical Reactions:_  
  
_Although there is not a good statistic for whether or not this affects everyone, as the Patronus Charm is truly mastered by so few, and many Witches and Wizards who remain nameless for surveys were slow to come forward at all, let alone have their Patronus tested; we have reason to believe that the Patronus Charm could be negatively effected by being slipped a love potion._ "  
  
He finished.  
  
"That's complete rubbish." He argued. Sirius' eyes couldn't go any wider if they tried. Remus never spoke against anything, let alone books. His Patronus should be a book. "Patronuses can't be fooled." He sputtered.  
  
"I don't know, mate." Sirius shrugged. "Blimey, Amortentia seems a bit like a torture device." He changed the subject.  
  
"Oh, yes. It's quite terrible." Moony agreed, looking distracted.  
  
Sirius flipped the page.  
  
" _Amortentia in its naked form is perhaps most dangerous. If brewed properly, it smells completely unique to each person who encounters it. Amortentia will emit these scentsregardless of if the user is aware of these fondnesses. It caters to the deepest desires of our senses, and is very hard to resist because of this._  
_After drinking the potion, the effects will be instantaneous. A pale sickliness is reported, before complete recklessness and joyfullness. The potion is incredibly difficult to make and does wear off. There are many reported cases of Amortentia being used without consent, and was made illegal in 2000. People felt it was inhumane to allow such a thing to continue happening. Common sentences for using Amortentia range from five to eleven years in Azkaban._ "  
  
Sirius stopped reading. "Got it?"  
  
"Yes." Remus' voice was quiet. "It's... quite a curious potion." He remarked. His eyes were downcast, but Sirius couldn't help notice how pretty they looked. He shook the thought off.  
  
"Slimy, though. we're better off without it."  
  
"Of course." He agreed. "It'd be interesting to find out what you smelled, though. Wouldn't it?"  
  
"I already know what kind of stuff I like." Sirius shrugged. "I don't need some sodding potion to tell me."  
  
"I hear people tend to smell hair if they're in love," He was suddenly maintaining strong eye contact with his textbooks. "Er-- that is, the hair of the person they love."  
  
"Oh." Sirius nodded. "So you're wondering if you'd smell that person you like...'s hair? Or what?"  
  
There was a laugh."No, I'm fairly certain I would. Although I wouldn't want to. I'm not certain he ever washes it."  
  
"He?"  
  
Remus froze.  
  
"Freudian slip." He justified. Damn it. So they're a girl?  
He continued. "No, the idea just seems particularly odd. I suppose it's because hair is a rather unique smell."  
  
"Yeah, but who goes around smelling hair?" Sirius  rolled his eyes. "Anyway, you get that down, I'll go get the book I used for my cases."  
  
"Alright." He saw a nod of tawny brown hair, his quill already scratching away at his page.  
Sirius didn't see the appeal of the library. It was too big, with secret passageways even the Marauders didn't dare tresspass and endless hallds, full of hundreds of smells he couldn't even begin to fathom. He passed by the chair Moony always sat in and wondered whether his Amortentia would smell like it at all. Probably. That chair, books, and that girl's hair... chocolate, maybe?  
Luckily the book didn't have the actual recipe for Amortentia, so it didn't have to be in the restricted section.  
  
"Taking it out again, are you, boy?" The librarian eyed him suspiciously.  
  
"I was using it for an essay." He explains. "But I'd like to double check some facts."  
  
She grumbled irritably, handing him the book. "Next time, wait until you've handed it in."  
  
"Sirius!" Sirius turned to see that Third Year Gryffindor student. She was still just as pink-faced, though a bit taller, so her weight was less proportioned. She still reeked of cat and had fur all over her. Sirius scowled at her.  
  
"NO SHOUTING IN THE LIBRARY!"  
  
"But... Miss, you've just---,"  
  
"Out---OUT!"  
  
She was shooed out by a rather angry librarian, and Sirius grabbed his book and left after her.  
  
"Hey!" She smiled. "How are y--,"  
  
"You!" He hissed. "You---you little--- how dare you!"  
  
"Me?" She tilted her head. "What'd I do?"  
  
"You---," He realized he'd been blaming her, although he wasn't sure what she actually did do...Besides tell him the truth... "You told me!"  
  
"Oh, about you and Remus." She shrugged. "Well to be fair, I thought you two were together. Hardly my fault you weren't. Anyway, that's not why I'm here. Is it true you've got matching Patronuses?"  
  
"What?" Sirius hesitated to continue. "No! I mean, they're similar, but mine's a dog, I think."  
  
"You don't know...which means..." She smiled. "Ha! You like him, don't you, Sirius?"  
  
Sirius looked around furiously. No Moony to barge in on them? No? A few people were watching them suspiciously, though. He dragged her to an old, abandoned classroom.  
  
"Shut up." He whispered. "Don't say things like that. This has to stay between you and me, you little booger." He deeply inhaled, looking outside the door in case Remus happened to be standing there. He closed it. "Fine, you're right."  
  
"But it's a good thing, isn't it?" She asked, lowering her voice like him. "I mean, he loves you. Now you know about your ownfeelings,  should mak make things easier, shouldn't it?  
  
"No, he doesn't!" Sirius laughs, his voice ringing out particularly maniacally in the lonely room, surely waking whatever slept in the darkened corners."This whole thing was made up in your heads because we're friends! If you hadn't told me I probably wouldn't even have realized that's what I was feeling."  
  
"That's because you're particularly dense, Sirius." She said, impersonating Moony.  
  
"Stop that."  
  
"If you could pay attention to anyone but yourself, and I weren't much too polite to tell you to go stuff yourself, you might notice that your best friend's in love with you." She continued, her voice mimicking his.  
  
"I'm leaving." He pushed through the door. "Not another word., and this doesn't leave this room."  
  
"Fine." She snapped. "Coward."  
  
"I won't be lied to by a ten year old."  
  
"It's just as well, you're just as childish as one!" She stormed off.  
  
*  
  
Remus had just been getting up when Sirius got back.   
  
"You can't possibly have filled fifteen-inches with just textbook rubbish."  
  
The taller boy turned around, visibly relaxing. He looked very tired, but his eyes shone with worry and affection. When he saw him, they calmed as well. Sirius was taken aback. What's that about? Does he really worry about people that much? Even in this state? Must be exhausting.   
  
"Oh, good." Remus straightened himself. "I was just about to come after you. James has the map, so I wasn't sure where you were. Nor if you'd gone and gotten yourself hexed."  
  
"Who would want to hex me?" Sirius pouted. "I'm adorable."  
  
"Be that as it might, I'm approximating about half the school." He replied smoothly. "You've made enemies." He perked up. "You've got the book?"  
  
"Yeah. I did get in an argument with one kid, which is why I took so long."  
  
"What was it about?" He asked, sitting back at the table. He seemed to be in a better mood, even though he looked completely exhausted. Full Moons weren't ever kind on Moony.  
  
"Nothing important." He replied, shrugging down onto the chair next to him. "Just something they thought was true. Complete rubbish, as usual."  
  
"Mm. Correcting children, very important." Moony observed, a teasing tone to his voice. "Alright, then."  
  
Sirius began to read from the textbook. "Alright, you could use this one...  _In 1967, Theodore Bertholdt administered several doses of Amortentia to a classmate he fancied without her knowledge, before eventually outgrowing the infatuation himself_..."  
  
***  
The transformation this time went by seamlessly. Of course, Remus always came out with some injury. It was just an outcome of your bones shifting and your skin altering. It was lucky he healed quickly and dressed in layers to avoid attention. All three of them spent the night bounding across the Hogwarts grounds. Moony and Peter were both catching up on their sleep, but Sirius was wide awake.  
  
"Sirius, you should sleep. You were really putting it in yesterday." James insisted to him. "Oi, that sounded wrong."  
  
"I can't." He shook his head. "Completely awake, mate. Dogs gotta play, Jamie-boy. Entertain me."  
  
"I can't." He told him. "I'm meeting with Lily. We're studying, since she knows Remus'll be too tired..." They both looked over to Remus. He was spread eagle on his bed, covered in light  blankets James and Sirius had deemed it okay to put on him. His skin was pale and dull, with large dark circles.  
  
"We should leave some water by his bed." James worried. 

  
"Yes, we should. And just as iportantly, I should come with you." Sirius wrapped his arm around James' shoulders. "Make sure you don't make her too uncomfortable."  
  
"You don't study, Pads." He looked unimpressed.  
  
"But I'm soooo bored. You wouldn't abandon me, would you?"  
  
"...Are you trying to chaperone us?"  
  
"Me?" Sirius gasped. "Plot? Never. Let's go, Prongsie. Our date awaits us."  
  
"It's not a date!"  
  
*  
  
Neither James nor Lily were entirely impressed that he was there. The three of them were huddled at one of the larger tables, Sirius in the middle with an entirely too happy expression. Lily had looked incredibly put-out when she'd seen Sirius hopping along beside James, towing him along. James had cast her an apologetic expression. He'd just laughed. The table was in the centre of a danger-zone, so books kept thwacking James in the side of the head, making the surrounding occupants of the library chuckle a bit.

  
"So, I hear you've been polluting Remus." Sirius said casually. "Recommending him erotica, are you?" He quirked a perfectly plucked eyebrow at the red-headed girl. She was quite pretty, and just as witty as him. She also had a penchant for rules that rivalled even Remus.

  
"Oh, please." She smirked. "There are things that come out of that boy's mouth you couldn't dream about without feeling embarrassed." She scoffed, tucking a long strand of hair behind her ear. She was completely unscathed. Nice job, Evans.

  
"It's true I recommend him stories I particularly like, but the man's an incredibly harsh critic. It's always, ' _Lily, the anatomical errors surpass any possible eroticism this could have possessed. I'm much too concerned for this man's spine_.' or, ' _Lily, I was reading the book you gave me, but I don't understand. If he hates the idea of men having sex with one another so much, maybe he shouldn't voice his concerns whilst having sex with a man?_ ' As if normal porn usually has logic. I don't know how he hasn't exploded from sexual frustration, honestly. He'd probably lecture his own fantasies."  
  
"That's my Moony." Sirius chuckled. Lily looked at him funnily. He cleared his throat.  
  
"That's just how he talks about Remus." James explains. "Er, Moony's a nickname, you understand."  
  
"Oh, yes." She nods. "Remus has told me. He talks about Sirius in the same regard, I was just... I don't know." She blushes. "They're quite close, aren't they?"  
  
"You don't know the half of it." The tips of his ears were red, and he leaned over the table into the conversation.  
  
"I think I do."  
  
"Oi!" Sirius interrupts. "I'm still here, you know. Stop the flirting."  
  
"Now you know what it's like to be in the same room as you and Remus." James rolled his eyes, but sat back up. They sat in silence for a while. The only interrupting noises were one of them occasionally asking a question, or James being whacked by a book.  
"Hey, can I ask you something?" Lily broke the silence. Sirius and James both looked up, but Lily was clearly looking at Sirius. He arched an eyebrow.  
"Ask away, darling."  
  
"Your Patronus..."  
  
"Oh, not this again." He cursed. "Why's everyone so bloody nosy?"  
  
Lily recoiled, putting her head down. "It's fine, I mean--- it's just that wolves aren't that common, so if yours is it's quite interesting, isn't it?"  
Sirius glared at her. She shut up.  
  
"Sorry about him, Lily." James rubbed his head. "He had to come along so he'd stop moping about his little crush on Remus."  
  
"Wait," Lily interrupted him. "S-Sirius likes Remus?" She squeaked. Her eyes were wide, like she didn't know how to proceed without breaking a rule.  
  
"James!" He hissed. "You can't just--- She's an outsider! She--- and," he paused. "So?"  
  
"I..." She put her hands in front of her mouth, furrowing her eyebrows. She closed her eyes and thought really hard for a second. She kept mumbling things like"No, that won't work..." and, " "Oh, but I couldn't.." and quite often, "Oh, dear."  
  
"What is it?" She might have paled a bit, but you couldn't quite tell.  
"It's nothing."  
  
"Right." Sirius interrupted. "Well. Unbreakable vow for you to shut your yap?"  
  
"What?" Lily looked stricken. "You're so dramatic. I wouldn't. I've been keeping secrets for Remus for years, haven't I?"  
  
"Littler ones." He narrowed his eyes. "And you like him a great deal more."  
  
"I am not so shrewd!" She scowls. "I won't say anything. I promise."  
  
"Lay off, Sirius." James punched him in the shoulder. "You're being an asshole."  
  
"You're the one who told her!" He shouts. "Without my permission! And I'm at fault?"  
  
"We don't need to hide it from everyone." James sighed. "Just Remus." The people around them were starting to wonder why the librarian hadn't caught onto the ruckus yet. They cast an imperturbable charm around their area for some privacy.  
  
"Wait!" Lily interrupted. "Why hide it from Remus? You don't...Er, think he'll be alright with it?"  
  
"Your little boyfriend says I shouldn't risk it." Sneered Sirius, adding, "The great James Potter, everyone. Playing it safe."  
"He is not my boyfriend." She crossed her arms over her chest. "You should definitely tell him."  
  
"What?" James gawked. "No, no no. He definitely shouldn't."  
"Yes, he should. Remus has the right to know."  
"Says you!" He pointed out. "Your friendship with Remus would just get stronger if ours broke apart."  
"Are you accusing me of something, Potter?" Lily gasped. She started packing her things up, flinging her hair around furiously. She kept having to tuck it behind her ears. "I knew it! You're a right git!"  
"No, he's not. He's just being protective of Moony." Sirius defended in spite of himself. "Don't hold it against him. It's a habit, we all do it. I mean, he is a git. Only he's not accusing you of anything."  
Lily stopped packing her things up momentarily.  
"He thinks it'll cause some sort of weirdness in our group." He shrugged.  
  
"That's the stupidest theory ever, James Potter. I can't believe someone as intelligent as the two of you put together couldn't figure out what absolute bollocks that is."  
  
"It's not!" James defended, tips of his ears bright red. "I'm just trying to protect the Marauders!"  
  
Lily looked flabbergasted. "James Potter, do you...?" She looked around them quickly. Everyone had gone back to their business now that they couldn't hear their business. A bell rang.  
"That's my bell. Damn it. Sorry we didn't study much. Erm..It was...nice seeing the two of you?" She cleared her throat. She grabbed her things, quickly running out of the libary. How she knew the way so easily was beyond either of them. Maybe Prefects had some sot of... help.  
  
"Was she a bit off to you?" James asked Sirius once she'd gone.  
"I don't know what she's like normally." Sirius stared after her suspiciously. "She's going to tell him, isn't she?"  
"...Maybe?" James rubbed the back of his neck. "Shit! He won't believe her even if she does."  
  
*  
Sirius had nonstop classes for the next four hours, so he couldn't tail Evans as good as he'd wanted. He'd see her in her usual spots in the classes they shared looking very fidgety and awkward, and his stomach coiled nervously, especially when the teacher asked for someone to bring Remus the homework for the classes he'd missed and she volunteered almost as instantaneously as Sirius. Their eyes met and she looked away quickly. Sirius didn't trust her at all.  
  
On the bright side, he'd had a longer period of Muggle Studies today, but Sirius could hardly focus. Lily sat next to Remus, who had eaten and insisted on coming back to class with the excuse of a fever. They were laughing pretty loudly... What were they talking about? He'd thanked him when he gave him his homework and walked away immediately. Lily was tagging along next to him pretty tightly. Was she going to tell him after all? His palms felt very sweaty. Sure, it probably wouldn't ruin anything...But still. What was it Remus had said? Unofficial rejection was better? He definitely understood.  
Finally, classes were over, and he looked over his shoulder. With a sickening lurch, he realized there was no Remus or Lily there. He hurried to pack up his things, throwing them over his shoulder as he rushed out. First he checked the library, and then the Prefect bathroom (he'd learned the password ages ago, both James and Remus were given it) before finally checking their dormitory.

  
Girls weren't usually supposed to be in the boys' dormitory. It usually ended up in fighting or other messes. And yet there she was, chatting with Remus from _Sirius'_ chair as he worked on the material he missed. He was just about to announce his arrival when,  
  
"Hello, Sirius." Greeted Remus without looking up.  
  
"Do you have a sixth sense just for him, or what?" Lily joked, nudging him lightly, who returned the gesture by smiling lightly. Meanwhile, Sirius found himself staring at Lily, eyes narrowed. He couldn't get over the suspicion that she was  He inched himself closer slowly, arms crossed. Air caught in his throat for a moment, but he cleared it. Anxiously, he debated on how he could get her out of here before she told him.   
  
"What are you doing here? You shouldn't be here."  
  
"Relax, Black." She gave him a warning look that he ignored. "It's fine."  
  
"What does that mean?" Sirius recoiled, his stomach queasier than ever. "What does that mean, you git?"

  
"Sirius!" Remus was suddenly standing, placing himself in front of Lily. He put his hands on his shoulders. "Calm down." He was using his soothing voice, but Sirius was even more nervous than before. "It's fine. Like she said, it's not a big deal, it's only--,"   
  
"You told him?" He moved past him to corner Lily. "Why would you do that?" He shouted. "You evil, caniving, smarmy little---,"  
  
"No!" Lily assured him, flailing her arms. "I swear I didn't! Honest! I was going to, but I chickened out. I swear!"  
  
"Bloody hell you did!"  
  
"What?" Remus asked, brows furrowed. He was thoroughly confused now.  "What's going on? Tell me what? That Lily's in the dorm?"  
  
"That I love yo--"Sirius shouted, stopping himself. It was too late, the damage was done. The three of them all froze.  There was complete silence in the dormitory as Sirius contemplated whether or not he should run out, or of Remus had even heard him, but he'd definitely heard him, and it was useless to pretend otherwise. Lily looked guiltier than he'd ever seen anyone. Remus was standing there, face completely blank, as if he'd finally been faced with information he couldn't understand.  
  
"Lily," he finally spoke, "I need to have a word with Sirius. _Alone_." His voice was quiet, and Lily nodded.  
  
Once she had left, Remus waved his wand and all the doors to the dormitory were shut. He also saw a very thin barrier dissolve into the air, and Sirius guessed it was the imperturbable charm again.  
  
He said nothing, but put his hands in his pockets, leaning on the table. "You have five minutes to explain. Very clearly, as any misunderstandings are on your head, Sirius." His voice rang of authority. Sirius shivered. "Now. Explain."  
  
"I--," Sirius stumbled over his words. "I don't know what there is to explain."  
  
"Don't you?" Remus stood up straighter, getting closer to Sirius, who swallowed nervously, backing away as slow as he could. "I can think of a few things. First of all, what do you  _mean?"_  
  
"Who what?"  
  
"What do you mean by ' _love_ ' Sirius?" His eyes shone with a fierce determination. He stood tall and menacing, looking down at him through thick lashes and doubt. Sirius felt _small_.  
  
"What do you think?" Sirius spat. "I... fuck, Moony." He looked away in frustration. "I'm in love with you. That... _that_ kind of love."  
  
"No." Sirius' heart sank when he looked back at his friend. He was scanning Sirius' face, as if trying to detect a lie. He seemed to have decided something. He looked completely blank. "Sirius, you're not in love with me." His voice didn't waver, and neither did he.  
  
"Oh, well if you're sure." He let out a humourless laugh.  
  
"I am. I've always been sure of that." Running a hand through tawny brown hair, he yawned fakely. "I'm quite tired, I think I'll go to bed... Ah, shame. Lily was going to help me with catch-up." He frowned, leaning over the desk again. Sirius stared at him in furious disbelief. He was just going to deny it completely? "I wonder if I could call her back...?"   
  
"You're---," He began in frustration. Moony looked up, a bored, curious expression on his face.  
  
"Mm. Yes?" He tilted his head.  
  
"Just because you don't like _me_ doesn't mean I don't like you." Sirius' voice was laced with sad venom. "You can't just tell me I don't. James told me I shouldn't tell you, I wasn't even going to until he slipped the information to Evans and I figured she'd go squealing to you,--"  
  
"James... knew?" Remus put down the book he'd been holding. 

 

"Yeah." Sirius puffed. "I mean, he sort of knew. He just though it was a crush."

 

"James did?" His voice squeaked a little. 

 

"Well, yeah. I mean, he helped me figure it out, really... I'm not too good with this. Him and that little booger... Not that it really matters." Sirius ran a hand through his hair. He felt lighter, but sadder. He felt sad. Not like he was going to cry or anything, but like he could do to stare at a wall for a few hours.

"...How long?" Remus said at last.

 

"What?"

 

"I...would like a timeframe. If you're telling the truth."

  
"I don't really know," Sirius rubbed his face. Words were hard. Remus deserved them, but they were hard. "Because I think it was a long time. I kept thinking it over, and the way I've acted...the way I've always felt about you. I mean, it's always been... You're just special to me, Moony. I guess I started to notice it...ah, the beginning of the year? Around there, at least."

  
And unless you've been slipping me Amortentia?" Sirius quirked an eyebrow. Remus looked up, fairly shocked. "Just... I know how I feel." He was quiet now.  
  
"And I think my Patronus might be sort of...wolfy." He added. "Even if it's not..they go together, don't they?"  
  
There was silence for a few moments as Moony processed the information.  
  
"You're sure?"  
  
"Bloody hell, Moony!" He exclaimed, exasperated. "I'm sure!"  
  
"...Right, then."  
  
And all of a sudden, he's not standing alone in frustration, wondering where they're going to stand now. Instead, he's got two hands on the side of his face, and lips on his. They were soft and thin and uncoordinated, but they felt like heaven. He lets out a gasp, and he's fighting himself with where to tangle his fingers, but also fighting himself with whether or not he should shove him off and demand answers. Why was he kissing him? Did that mean it was reciprocated? Was Sirius Remus' mystery crush?

_'They must be great'_

_'I'm betting you think so,' he'd laughed, clearly at some joke Sirius wasn't in on..._ Holy shit. Holy shit.  
  
He grapples at the collar of Remus' shirt, and he's on his tip-toes, angling his head into it. Moony's kissing him. _Holy shit._ His insides are lit on fire, his heart is on fire, his face is so warm-- it's quite possible there's just fire everywhere, and Sirius can't bother to check. Remus is much rougher than some would expect, his long fingers tugging on his hair, where they'd tangled themselves as soon as they had the opportunity. He can barely stand to open his eyes, but he's still fighting the urge to ask questions. He needed to know, but did he have to know now? He keeps letting out small keens into the kiss-- which he never does--- because _really,_ for a bloke who's apparently only ever had one relationship, Moony is unnaturally good at this. Remus is clearly fighting to pace himself, unevenly coordinating his mouth with his fingers to say how he feels.  
  
"Re," He panted, once they'd finally broken away from eachother. He's sure he looked like a mess, and he felt like one, too. He felt like a mess, too.  He could barely catch a breath his heart was racing so fast. Moony was just as bad off; his skin tinted a very pretty pink, his hair disheveled, collar undone and lips swollen. His eyes were half-lidded, and once he'd caught his breath he reached for Sirius again, seeking out his touch, already having been away from it too long.  
  
  
"I need to--ah, R-Rehh..." Needless to say, Sirius was having a hard time bringing the subject up. All of a sudden they were backed against a wall. They needed to be closer, firmer with eachother, to meld themselves as close as possible. His lips are hard and demanding against Sirius', clearly calling the shots. Sirius forgets wanting to do anything other than give Moony whatever he wants. When he licks Sirius' bottom lip, Sirius opens his mouth, partially desperate, partially curious. There's no battle for dominance; Remus has already won. No one thinks Moony is  _capable_  of any of these things, but here they were.   
  
"You need to...?" Moony reminded him, peppering kisses on Sirius' jawline. "By all means, don't let me distract you." He chuckled. Sirius narrowed his eyes. This is _so_ not the time. He stretched his neck to expose it more, and he could feel Remus' smirk on his skin.  
  
  
"How...how long? Maybe I should- aahh, later...Ngh." Sirius breathed. "Nngh, hhaah."  
"How long, what?"  
"How long've you f-felt the sa-aah-- same?"  
Remus growled into Sirius' neck, kisses getting harder, more intense, down Sirius' neck. He was breathing hard, but apparently intent on not giving Sirius any time to catch his breath. His hands had migrated from Sirius' incredibly disarray hair to take his own tie off. He watched with amazement at how nimble his fingers were. Quick fingers... huh.

Remus seemed reluctant.

 

"Not the best time for shyness, Moonshine." Sirius whined, a pout on his lips. Moony seemed to consider his options for a second, before sighing. 

  
"Halfway through third year." He answered.

 

Sirius froze for a second. When they were _thirteen_? He'd been putting up with all those feelings for _years?_ Yet he hadn't changed how he acted around him at all in that time.Sirius had went through a complete trainwreck of phases when he found out. Denial, ignorance, acting funny, moping, knitting, listening to Taylor Swift for hours on end in his bedroom and pretending he didn't know who Remus was. What had Moony done to deal with it? 

 

"Sorry." He added.

 

"You're a bloody good actor." He gritted out, grabbing Remus' face and kissing him fully. He seemed to be taken off guard at this, and it took him a full second to regain his composure, but Sirius wouldn't let him take lead of the kiss. Not because he wanted to prove dominance or anything, but because Remus deserved some sort of effort, and he really needed him to know it was reciprocated in that moment. He couldn't even imagine how frustrating it would be to love him. They broke apart. Sirius was panting, Remus was quite flushed; but continued his earlier ministrations as if he hadn't been interrupted.

 

  
  
"I'm going to fall." Sirius' breath caught, knees feeling weak already.  
  
"You won't." He whispered in his ear. Sirius wasn't sure if his dizziness had anything to do with his arousal, which was so obvious it had begun to hurt, or the limited breath from Remus filling his senses. His friend lightly sucked at an area at the base of his neck, never too roughly. His teeth never came near him. Sirius knew it was inappropriate, but he flushed at the thought of Remus having to hold himself back.  
  
Remus stopped for a second, pulling away, "How, ah, far...?" He asked, tilting his head. The action was so cute and out of the moment he let out a laugh into Remus' shoulder, who stood there with a puzzled expression.  
  
"As far as you want, love." Sirius tilted his neck up, exposing himself to Moony. He thought of dogs and wolves and he almost laughed. "And don't push yourself for me, either, I'm fine stopping anywh-oh." Remus had started kissing him again, his fingers undoing what buttons Sirius had bothered to do up on his shirt. They both helped slip Sirius out of it. Sirius' skin was flushed and soft. Remus explored it with eager greed, tracing secret patterns on his flesh. Sirius couldn't help but let out small little gasps into their kisses. Remus grabbed Sirius' hips to bring their bodies closer together. The shorter boy choked out, bucking against him instinctively.  
  
"F-fuck," Sirius exclaimed. He heard his friend chuckle, holding his hips firmer.  
  
He was peppering kisses around Sirius' pantline now, and Sirius could barely focus on anything else.

  
He stood up, summoning a small bottle from his bedside table. He put some on his hand, rubbing it gently in a small circle with his thumb to warm it. Maintaining full eye-contact, his hand snaked its way into Sirius' boxers, green eyes smouldering. Sirius squirmed, hands clutching Remus as he stroked him. Long, slow strokes. Remus' hand encompassed Sirius' erection hotly, and he had to cover his mouth to stop the noises coming through.

"Ah." Remus tsked. "No, that won't do. No hiding your voice from me, Sirius. I want to hear it."

 

Sirius felt a wave of heat go through him. His cock twitched. He inched his hands down, letting out an absurd moan.

"Mm." Remus approved. "I have to say, you're much more pliant than I thought you'd be. I'd expected more teasing."  
  
"I haven't got it in me." He groaned brokenly. "You're exactly as I thought you'd be," He added as Rems' hand sped up a bit, his mouth tracing his jawline. "Figured you were too uptight not to like being rough."  
  
"Is that so?" Remus murmured, and Sirius could hear the smile in his voice. Sirius was getting really close now, maybe he should warn him...?  
  
"Mm. I like it, though."  
  
"Do you, now?" He asked, trailing his tongue across Sirius's neck. The alarmingly loud moan he let out as a result didn't have a chance to embarrass him, because Remus was speeding up his ministrations again.  
  
"How about this, then, Sirius." He said, voice sultry into the juncture of his neck. Sirius felt like crying, because everything was way too hot and he'd never been this hard. "Why don't you come for me?" He finished, tugging roughly .  
  
And Sirius did. Embarrassingly fast, his whole body shaking and sputtering and convulsing in pleasure leaning into Remus as his knees gave out. He could only let out empty noise, hands still clutching so impossibly hard at the other boy he was sure there'd be marks for weeks.  
  
It took him a few minutes to come back from his euphoria, blinking forcibly at his surroundings and a minute longer to regain use of his legs. He straightened warily.  
  
"Er, was that...? Ah, nice? Did I do it right?"  
  
Sirius almost laughed again. "You were --holy shit, Moony, where did you learn to-- your voice, and..." Sirius blushed, realizing he came on demand like he'd been trained.  
  
"I read," he says reluctantly. "I must admit I'm glad my timing was correct. I imagine it would have been awkward if it hadn't worked."  
Then they were kissing again, Remus was clearly stalling with his belt, but Sirius' fingers were working away at his shirt buttons when he was stopped.  
  
"Sirius," Remus paused, grabbing his friends hands carefully. He looked withdrawn, stony. "...You don't want to see." Sirius knew what he was talking about immediately.  
  
"I want to see everything." He insisted. "Please, Moony. I've already seen most of it."  
  
"It's... different." Remus' voice was quiet. "That was only quickly. They're disgusting."  
  
"No bit of you is disgusting." Sirius assured him. Remus was reluctant, but he let go of Sirius' hands. He looked unsure. His hands dropped to his sides in surrender. He was giving Sirius a lot of power over him right now, and Sirius hoped he didn't fuck it up.  
  
Sirius held eye contact as he leaned in, unbuttoning Remus's shirt slowly, letting him watch him. Eventually, Sirius started kissing down the chest that was being exposed to him. Remus let him, hand resting in his hair. He could tell he was nervous. As soon as all the buttons were dealt with, Sirius stood straight again, easing the shirt completely off him. Remus looked wary.  
  
He also looked beautiful, and the breath caught in Sirius's throat. The scars were a sight to behold, but they weren't disgusting. There were many, and they were layered. His skin was pale and freckled, and he looked strong. Sirius's eyes roamed his friend's body with awe and wonder. The scars were raised, jagged, thin and various different shades of pink. Some long healed, some with a little ways to go. Sirius liked them, although he hated how they hurt him. They proved how strong he was.  
  
"You're beautiful, Moony." He stated. "Thank you." He added. With a start, he realized he must not have messed it up, because he was being kissed. It was slow and tender, and Sirius understood what it meant. They broke apart, and Remus eased them both to his four-poster bed.  
 He looked at him like he was trying to decipher a puzzle.  
  
"This isn't something we can take back." He stated almost dreamily, voicing his thoughts.  
  
'I'm fine with that. You?"  
  
"Very."  
  
Sirius hopped onto Remus' bed before he could try and talk them out of it again, sprawling himself out, an invitation. He winked, and started unbuckling himself. His movements were sloppier than usual, flushed hot, more embarrassing than they should have been. He had never done it like this. It had always been fast paced nonsense in broomcupboards. It was different, the eyes he felt on him almost made him feel inexperienced.  
  
Remus Lupin was shy and courteous  right up until he wasn't. His eyes trailed unabashedly along the lines of Sirius' body, with a remarkable front of calmness. Infuriatingly, he looked as stoic and reserved as he ever did, like he could walk out any moment, and suddenly Sirius understood how he'd managed to keep his feelings a secret for all these years. Sirius arched up, tugging his jeans down to his knees. Finally, Remus had had enough and eased himself over him. He hovered, eyes asking permission. Sirius smirked, hands reaching for Remus' belt. Curiousity got the better of him, and he let his palm brush against the front. Remus let out a sharp gasp; Sirius swore he felt him twitch through the thin fabric.  
  
Suddenly there was no room for shy. Remus flipped them so Sirius was on top of him.  
  
Sirius' skin was soft and gentle, but they weren't bothering to be any of those things. They were uncoordinated, fumbling around in different positions and getting overwhelmed too easily.  
  
Remus couldn't seem to decide what to do with his mouth. He seemed to want to kiss everywhere, lips soft but rough with intention. He occasionally pulled back to steady himself, skin flushed. For a while it was like they were going to do something, and they would burst if they didn't, but it was too hard to transfer from imagination.  
  
Sirius bucked unintentionally into Remus, arching himself closer to the boy. They let out a shared moan at the contact, startling themselves. Looking into eachother's eyes, Sirius did it again, slower, with purpose. He felt his friend shiver and continued, carefully rolling his hips, rutting into his friend, whose pupils were blown wide, lips red and hair messed. He looked, finally, undone.  
  
"Sirius." Remus almost growled, and he realized that he'd stopped his torturous thrusting, their groins pressed close together, still covered in a thin layer of material that outlined perfectly how much they were affected. Sirius stared a bit too long, lips slightly parted, eyes half lidded, before it struck him: Remus actually really wants this. With me. Right now. He's been holding back the whole time.  
  
"No more holding back." Sirius whispered, a flash of heat flaring in his chest, "Give me what you want to. I can handle it."  
  
"You can't be certain what that entails."  
  
"I'm certain of you." He grinned, rolling his hips dramatically into the other teen, letting out a small hiss involuntarily. This time was different, their cocks lining up with eachother, sending a jolt of electricity through them."I trust you. 'S all I need."  
  
" _Fuck,_  Sirius. You have _no_   _idea_  what you do to me." Remus let out brokenly. Sirius silently rejoiced at the way his voice strained, his eloquance replaced with need.  
  
"Show me, then."  
  
* *

 

Sirius had always had a thing for dramatics. 

The first thing he'd done once he and Remus had made themselves presentable was head down to the Great Hall where everyone was enjoying their meals. Sirius bounced with each step, holding firmly onto Remus' hand, who was trying to ignore all the attention he was suddenly receiving. Sirius hopped directly on an empty spot on one of the tables, pulled an unwilling Remus up and pulled him by his tie into a kiss. Earning the shouts of surrounding diners, as well as many applauds and a lot of scolding, Sirius finally hopped down.

"I knew it!"  
  
"They've got to be putting on a show."  
  
"I thought they'd broken up?"  
  
His mission accomplished, Sirius bounded over to their usual spot, Remus in tow. They both sat down with satisfied expressions. James was waiting there, his face a mixture of shock and awe. Peter was plainly shocked, his beady eyes as wide as saucers, his food left forgotten. He hadn't thought they would get together just yet.  
  
"You're together now?" James balked. "But--- oh,  _Merlin_. Whose bed?"  
  
Sirius laughed, wrapping an arm around Moony smugly. "You'll just have to find out, Jamie-boy. Serves you right."  
  
James crinkled his nose. "Oh, Sirius!" He exclaimed, flailing his wrist.  
  
"Oh," Sirius stood up again. "I have to go find that little booger. One moment, boys." He placed a quick kiss on Moony's cheek. He already had his nose buried in a book as usual-- some things never change-- but he nodded, leaning into the kiss. Peter let out a squeal. He began searching the tables for that girl... Hm... Where's she gone?

  
"Sirius!"  
  
And of course _she_ found _him_.  
  
"Yo." Sirius felt awkward in her presence. "So, I just thought I owed you an apology."  
  
"Oh?" She smirked.  
  
"Shut up, kid." He chuckled, messing up her hair. "I'm sorry for shouting at you and everything. Moony and I are together now."  
  
"Mmhm." She smiled dreamily. "I know. No one missed your little show."  
  
"That was the intention."  
  
"I'll see you around, Sirius." She smiles. "Get back to your boyfriend."  
  
Sirius grins widely. His boyfriend. A grin spread across his face. In retrospect, it's not as if there had ever been any doubt. It seemed like they'd been the only two who hadn't known. Nonetheless, Sirius Black has a boyfriend, a family, and a home. He still didn't know exactly what the future held, and he still couldn't fix every wound. There were still going to be fights and awkward times and in some ways, nothing at all would change. But for once, he knew he was loved completely, wholly; in every way, and that was enough.  
  
All was well.  
  
THE END

 

 you can find me on tumblr!! cool beans. im naruto trash there [here](blahruto.tumblr.com)

**Author's Note:**

> i read an article that said apparently english people dony call them napkins??? they call them serviettes??? appaently napkins are entirely different things in england. i didnt know how this would translate over into wizard culture, obviously, and although in england they'll know what you mean when you say napkin i wanted 2 be extra careful nd also wizard culture. my papa says serviettes but i was always like wtf is that u nerd ( i dont call my grandpa a nerd)) 
> 
> edit: for the record ive been corrected on this like 9000000 times pls do not feel the need to also correct me thnk u
> 
> I WAS TRYING TO BE REALISTIC.....luckily i already spell shit with an unnecessary "u" because i'm from canada and canada and england are like bros. you know those friends who probably considered dating at one point but then were like "you know what we're gr8 the way we are i lov u bro we complete eachother" thats like canada/england irl like england was all "im going to war" and canada was like "IM GONNA SUPPORT U BABE" and canada even changed the colour of our mountie's uniforms to match england's troop's colours.......like brotp or what........ canadas like "i aint w/ u on the hats but ur jackets r tight af"  
> "great butt bro"  
> "i lov u"  
> "america sux amirite" and england's just like "ikr ugh peasants"  
> i basically should have written hetalia honestly
> 
> ok n this is just fuckin trash ass party
> 
> HEY LEAVE ME A REVIEW AND SHIT IF U LIKED IT THO PLEASE IT WAS SUPER LAME AND BORING AND HARD AF 2 END  
> ALSO I'M ASEXUAL SO SEX IS HARD AF 2 WRITE PRAY FOR ME
> 
> btw if theres interest i might write like. a second part?? maybe a first date or SIRIUS MEETING REMUS' PARENTS HOLY SHIT or maybe that nameless third year and her friends impersonating/putting on a play of the marauders bc i feel like that would be hilarious tbh  
> i'd definitely want to add sirius teasing remus about his "muggle erotica" and maybe even reading some together (cutscene 2 sex and sirius making horrible jokes and being a pompous dramaqueen tbh  
> Or even a year by year of Remus and Sirius' relation ship.... That would be a long though... or Remus this year....Id have to be so exact Tho i wtf
> 
> By the way it's canon that Hogwarts doesn't really have queerphobia because Wizards discriminate based on blood purity  
> its on the potter wiki page  
> (and Muggleborns would probably be too busy like "HOLY SHIT MAGIC!!!! MAGIC???? MAGIC!!!!" An even if they were homophobic they're muggleborn so theyre the odd ones out there??? honestly wizards dont care about queerness. they dont. spread that)  
> PLUS I ALWAYS HATE FICS WHERE THE MARAUDERS ARE QUEERPHOBIC LIKE ARE YOU SAYING YOU THINK THEY'D BE SUPER DANDY FINE WITH REMUS BEING A FUCKING WEREWOLF BUT THE IDEA HE COULD SUCK A COCK OR TWO IS A DEALBREAKER. BACK THE FUCK UP HOMIE
> 
> *also i made tonks and lupin be in the same year in this fic because like. i want.........headcanons.......... i always liked the idea metamorphagi would be super popular because they can literally CHANGE AND BE WHOEVER THEY WANT though they probably get walked all over sexually i feel like. but also tonks teasing remus omfg. sirius........jealous..........theyre friends but no remus/tonks here. sry but voldemort doesnt exist in this au so neither does that ship bc tonks and remus are never brought together and sirius is never DEAD which i mean. a pretty key element in remus not being with him probs I REFUSE TO ADMIt DEFEAT im only on book 4 tho so
> 
> UPDATE: wow this is old y r people still reading this it sucks dick lmao  
> in all seriousness tho? i wrote this so so long ago and it was before i learned about storyboarding and i just like holed myself up in my room and wrote for a week straight and this came out, im thankful everyone likes it so much?? i read every comment im sry i dont reply i have severe social phobia but i appreciate every one!! they always both make my day and make me super nervous when an alert pops up that someone commented bc im always worried someones gonna be like "HAH WTF THAT DIDNT MAKE ANY SENSE? THAT WAS WEIRD" snd iill be like "I KNOW BUT ITS STILL RUDE TO SAY" anyways thank u guys sry this suxx ily 
> 
> UPDATE 2: i'm planning to rewrite this just so y'all know......... I want to make a second part but i cant do that knowing how bad this one is ha........ its just like. one of my worse fics tbvh. i'm working on a drarry fanfic currently s well & another narusasu so........... It might take a while!! sorry!! ily all


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